Christmas Eve. Such endearing moments I have stored in my memory bank from this day over the past 45ish years (I don't remember my first few years) haha! In some ways, Christmas Eve was more precious than the coveted Christmas Day for me.
Oh my goodness, when I was a little bitty girl, my Christmas Eve memories, I will cherish forever. Our family back then was HUGE. Tons of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents. And the whole famdamily would emerge upon my Grandma Rose and Granny Shirley's house in Huntsville, MO. To this day I still have no idea how we all fit into that house, but we did. And it was the most magical night of the year. I can close my eyes right now and conjure up those old memories. I can put myself right back in that house. My uncle and aunts gathered around the family room in Grandma Rose's living room. Uncle George was playing the guitar and my grandma Margaret and aunt Shirley and aunt Hilda were singing Christmas songs. Eventually we would all join in. My cousins and I would be playing a game of some sort on the stairs that connected my great grandma's area and my aunt's area together. We were the older cool kids. The little ones were upstairs wrecking havoc on my aunts portion of the house, running and screaming and God only knows what else. Probably sneaking one of the hundreds of homemade treats from the table. We all ran on a massive sugar high most the evening. Eventually we would gather around the tree and the presents were, some years, almost as high as the tree. Everyone always got a gift. Once the gifts were opened someone would turn on the radio and we would start tracking Santa. We would all change into our pajamas because, of course, we would be falling asleep on our way home later on. Somewhere around midnight it sounded like good ole Saint Nick was making his way into Missouri and all of us kids were in a frantic begging state, we had to get home or else he wouldn't stop!! Hurry up mom and dad, we have to go! And with our final bit of pleading, the adults would finish up their card games and wrap us kids up from head to toe in our coats, hats and gloves and my daddy would carry my sister and I to the car. I'm going to estimate that at least 99.9% of the time my sister nor I made it to the highway before we were sound asleep in the car. We would get home and dad would once again carry us in the house. Frantically we would put out some cookies for Santa that we had, more than likely, made earlier in the week, and a glass of milk and carrots. And off to bed we would go. These are the Christmas Eves that will forever be ingrained in my mind as the best days ever. I loved these Christmas Eves in my early childhood.
In the later years, after grandma Rose passed on, we still had the same routine, but the family got a little smaller, and the gatherings became more rushed. But they were still magical nonetheless. It was one of the only times of the year when you still got to see your cousins and to visit and catch up on everyone's lives. And laugh.... Lord have mercy we laughed so much with each other back then. Everyone had stories and they were always hilarious. There were times I would leave there with a stomach ache, not because of all of the amazing homemade food, but from laughing so hard. One thing stayed the same, my sister and I would still be sound asleep by the time we got home. But we were too big for daddy to carry us in now, so we had to wake up and walk in.... Oh the tragedy! LOL!
Then eventually the younger cousins were married and having babies of their own, yours truly included. Gatherings were harder to plan but somehow we always seemed to make it work and whoever could make it was there. Most everyone always tried to be there. I think we all knew that we were living on borrowed time with our beloved Christmas Eve tradition. So we all made a point to make it as often as we could. I am so thankful and blessed that my baby boy got to experience as least a little bit of this fleeting magic.
It is said that the glue of the family is held together by our grandparent's generation. And once they are gone, the family as we knew it is no longer. No truer statement has been made. With the loss of my beautiful Aunt Shirley, also came the loss of our magical Christmas Eve tradition. The cousins are now spread far and wide and families are much too busy to get together like we used to. Seems so sad to me to let such a beautiful tradition die, but it is a sign of the times. I am so grateful to have been a part of that generation, as those were truly beautiful times.
The Christmas Eves since my aunt passed away have been spent at home with my ex. We had began our own traditions. Christmas pajamas and Christmas movies. And while it was not the same as Christmas Eves of my childhood and beyond, they were still good. Quaint, simple and just being together. Last year we even got the dogs matching pajamas. *sigh*
And now here we are.... Christmas Eve 2019.... It will go down in the Kristy memory bank as the very first Christmas Eve EVER not spent with some sort of celebration with family, either extended or immediate. Not a single plan today. Whew my pity party part of one was in full force today for sure! LOL But then I got to thinking, how very blessed I am to have had 47 years of fabulous Christmas Eves before experiencing a shitty one. Some people go through life never having the best Christmas Eves ever. And I've had 47! So this year I'm going to push the Christmas Eve reset button and next year at this very time when I am sitting in my bed writing in my journal, God willing, I can assure you that I will have a new Christmas Eve tradition in place and it will be, once again, magical!! Maybe it will involve some sand, sun and seascapes... One thing I do know all too well about this thing called life, you NEVER know what it has up it's sleeve for you!
Merry Christmas Eve to all and to all a Good Night 💚
Game Plan for The Great Fuck You Cancer Battle, Part Deux!
Well here we are again... as promised. Keeping you entertained and updated as best as I can on what's going on in the exciting life of Kristy Lee. Gosh it's been a while since my last update. I believe it was right after I found out that my cancer had indeed returned again. Since the last update there has been a PET scan, chemo classes, radiation consultation, and surgery. Oh yeah and lots of meltdowns, crying fits, but mostly massive denial. I think that in my sane mind I know what is happening, but in my insane brain I have decided that if I do not write it down, do not talk about, it is not and will not happen. But the throbbing pain that radiates down my arm from the giant slice across my armpit and the bandage covering the hole in my chest where my drain was poking out from just a few days ago both tell me otherwise.
I saw my therapist today for the first time since I found the lump and she reminded me of this... one of my greatest coping mechanisms with my last battle was to write and that I should again write often, openly and honestly and just let it all out. So here we go …. writing myself out of denial... maybe... haha!
First up ... PET scan. Something I did not have with my first go around. I'm now thinking that it should be protocol. Thinking I should have demanded it after I was given the "all clear". Maybe this shit would have been there then and we could have taken care of it then. But as with any tragic event in anyone's life you can what if yourself to death and drive yourself insane in the process. So I have to learn how to stop What Ifing and just accept this is how it is and it cannot be changed. I'm working on this. Haven't mastered it yet. I checked into the cancer center and was taken back into a room, secluded away from everyone. Yes, no one could be there with me because the nurse was about to pop an IV into my arm and proceed to shoot some radioactive shit into my body and apparently it's not good for, well anyone... BUT yep here they were putting it into ME! For those of you that know me well, know my anxiety was off the charts at this point. Thank God for Xanax. Not even joking... Sat there for 30 minutes until I was fully "radioactive". Then was escorted to the scan room where I was shoved in and out of tube for about 30 minutes or so, all the while praying like I've never prayed before that this shit had not gotten any further than my lymph nodes under my arm. I'm pretty sure I've never been more scared... up to this point at least.... Came out of the scan and went back to see my oncologist. I felt like I was walking the last mile to the death chamber. About to learn my fate. If it had spread it was going to be a very bad day. My ex was with me and, for a brief moment in time, it was like the "old" days. Back when I knew I had someone that loved me and had my back no matter what. God how I wish I had that person in my life now. It is so hard going through this without the love and support of a partner. I was hoping this was the beginning of going back to those days... but deep down inside I knew better. He wasn't coming back just because I was sick again. And honestly I didn't want him to come back just because I was sick again and he was feeling sorry for me. But for that brief moment in time it was nice and I was so happy he was there with me. My oncologist gave me the most amazing wonderful news. It looked like it was contained to the lymph nodes under my arm. Thank you God. Best case scenario! It's funny how when you get a cancer diagnosis there are times during your journey that you get excited because yes I have cancer, but it's not as bad as it could be. To a person looking from the outside in, you could possibly seem like a crazy person being excited. On this particular day we went to breakfast to "celebrate" …. Yes I have cancer and I am getting ready to go through hell, but not as much hell as I possibly could have been facing.... insanity! So next steps were discussed... Surgeon appointment made, chemo class scheduled, and radiation consultation scheduled. Gonna be another fucking fun year folks! Let's get it started ASAP. The sooner the better!
Saw my surgeon a few days later and got a game plan for surgery. Scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. Oh goodie, Thanksgiving in the hospital. This is shaping up to be a great holiday season once again for me. Ironically enough it was almost two years to the date from my last beginning of treatments. So yes folks, from here on out I'm guessing Thanksgiving/Christmas will be some major PTSD trigger times of year for this chick. I'm thinking beach trips for the holidays. Ha! Like I need an excuse to want to go to the beach :)
Had my chemo class. Yep this was fun. It was one meeting I thought would be no big deal. I went alone. Note to, God forbid, anyone that has to do this particular class... DO NOT do this one alone! My chemo nurse and I went over a book with about 50 pages of what to expect during chemo, how to's, hair loss, wig providers, etc. Everything you NEVER want to know about chemo and what it is going to do to my body. Next the chemo nurse wanted me to go to the wig room to pick out a wig. But I just couldn't make myself do it. In total denial that any of this was going to be happening to me. Instead I left there and went home and threw up and cried. I am still, today, in denial over the hair thing. I just cannot wrap my head around it. I cry every time I am drying my hair after a shower. I know that sooner than later I am going to have to suck it up and accept it, but as of today, still not there..... I have an appointment with a wig guy on the 23rd, so I guess that will be my acceptance day LOL or at least my forced day of acceptance.
Saw the radiation doctor the next day. After chemo class, this sounded like a vacation to Hawaii lol. Well not really but in comparison, he made it sound like no big deal. 5 weeks of radiating my whole left side of my chest and arm every single day. But the thing is, I know differently. I've seen the pictures of my fellow warriors who have gone through this. The blisters, the red burnt skin that looks like it's going to slide off the bones, the damage to other nearby organs, the heart in particular for myself since they will be radiating right over it. But I left that appointment with my denial glasses on and said yeah no big deal. At least today I didn't get a 50 page booklet telling me I would be shitting myself to death, or vomiting like crazy, or massive mouth sores, blood transfusions, ER visits, or 100 other terrible awful things from the day before.
Oh yeah and, speaking of glasses, I also went and got some new glasses as well. I haven't gotten new glasses in over 5 years. I wear contacts so usually see no reason to spend moolah on something I do not ever wear right?? Well one of the side effects of this particular chemo is that your tears and pee will be red! Yes RED.... AND it will "stain" your contacts if you wear them while on this shit. Are you fucking kidding me??? And yet, yes I am going to allow them to pump this poison into me 4x and pray to God it doesn't damage my body too terribly bad while trying to kill any rogue cancer cells left floating around in my bod. RED... tears and pee.... denial, denial, denial.... LOL! Too bad it's not Halloween time... I could scare the shit outta people just by crying baaahhaaa!
So here we are.... game plan in place, time for the Great Fuck You Cancer Battle, Part Deux!
I saw my therapist today for the first time since I found the lump and she reminded me of this... one of my greatest coping mechanisms with my last battle was to write and that I should again write often, openly and honestly and just let it all out. So here we go …. writing myself out of denial... maybe... haha!
First up ... PET scan. Something I did not have with my first go around. I'm now thinking that it should be protocol. Thinking I should have demanded it after I was given the "all clear". Maybe this shit would have been there then and we could have taken care of it then. But as with any tragic event in anyone's life you can what if yourself to death and drive yourself insane in the process. So I have to learn how to stop What Ifing and just accept this is how it is and it cannot be changed. I'm working on this. Haven't mastered it yet. I checked into the cancer center and was taken back into a room, secluded away from everyone. Yes, no one could be there with me because the nurse was about to pop an IV into my arm and proceed to shoot some radioactive shit into my body and apparently it's not good for, well anyone... BUT yep here they were putting it into ME! For those of you that know me well, know my anxiety was off the charts at this point. Thank God for Xanax. Not even joking... Sat there for 30 minutes until I was fully "radioactive". Then was escorted to the scan room where I was shoved in and out of tube for about 30 minutes or so, all the while praying like I've never prayed before that this shit had not gotten any further than my lymph nodes under my arm. I'm pretty sure I've never been more scared... up to this point at least.... Came out of the scan and went back to see my oncologist. I felt like I was walking the last mile to the death chamber. About to learn my fate. If it had spread it was going to be a very bad day. My ex was with me and, for a brief moment in time, it was like the "old" days. Back when I knew I had someone that loved me and had my back no matter what. God how I wish I had that person in my life now. It is so hard going through this without the love and support of a partner. I was hoping this was the beginning of going back to those days... but deep down inside I knew better. He wasn't coming back just because I was sick again. And honestly I didn't want him to come back just because I was sick again and he was feeling sorry for me. But for that brief moment in time it was nice and I was so happy he was there with me. My oncologist gave me the most amazing wonderful news. It looked like it was contained to the lymph nodes under my arm. Thank you God. Best case scenario! It's funny how when you get a cancer diagnosis there are times during your journey that you get excited because yes I have cancer, but it's not as bad as it could be. To a person looking from the outside in, you could possibly seem like a crazy person being excited. On this particular day we went to breakfast to "celebrate" …. Yes I have cancer and I am getting ready to go through hell, but not as much hell as I possibly could have been facing.... insanity! So next steps were discussed... Surgeon appointment made, chemo class scheduled, and radiation consultation scheduled. Gonna be another fucking fun year folks! Let's get it started ASAP. The sooner the better!
Saw my surgeon a few days later and got a game plan for surgery. Scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving. Oh goodie, Thanksgiving in the hospital. This is shaping up to be a great holiday season once again for me. Ironically enough it was almost two years to the date from my last beginning of treatments. So yes folks, from here on out I'm guessing Thanksgiving/Christmas will be some major PTSD trigger times of year for this chick. I'm thinking beach trips for the holidays. Ha! Like I need an excuse to want to go to the beach :)
Had my chemo class. Yep this was fun. It was one meeting I thought would be no big deal. I went alone. Note to, God forbid, anyone that has to do this particular class... DO NOT do this one alone! My chemo nurse and I went over a book with about 50 pages of what to expect during chemo, how to's, hair loss, wig providers, etc. Everything you NEVER want to know about chemo and what it is going to do to my body. Next the chemo nurse wanted me to go to the wig room to pick out a wig. But I just couldn't make myself do it. In total denial that any of this was going to be happening to me. Instead I left there and went home and threw up and cried. I am still, today, in denial over the hair thing. I just cannot wrap my head around it. I cry every time I am drying my hair after a shower. I know that sooner than later I am going to have to suck it up and accept it, but as of today, still not there..... I have an appointment with a wig guy on the 23rd, so I guess that will be my acceptance day LOL or at least my forced day of acceptance.
Saw the radiation doctor the next day. After chemo class, this sounded like a vacation to Hawaii lol. Well not really but in comparison, he made it sound like no big deal. 5 weeks of radiating my whole left side of my chest and arm every single day. But the thing is, I know differently. I've seen the pictures of my fellow warriors who have gone through this. The blisters, the red burnt skin that looks like it's going to slide off the bones, the damage to other nearby organs, the heart in particular for myself since they will be radiating right over it. But I left that appointment with my denial glasses on and said yeah no big deal. At least today I didn't get a 50 page booklet telling me I would be shitting myself to death, or vomiting like crazy, or massive mouth sores, blood transfusions, ER visits, or 100 other terrible awful things from the day before.
Oh yeah and, speaking of glasses, I also went and got some new glasses as well. I haven't gotten new glasses in over 5 years. I wear contacts so usually see no reason to spend moolah on something I do not ever wear right?? Well one of the side effects of this particular chemo is that your tears and pee will be red! Yes RED.... AND it will "stain" your contacts if you wear them while on this shit. Are you fucking kidding me??? And yet, yes I am going to allow them to pump this poison into me 4x and pray to God it doesn't damage my body too terribly bad while trying to kill any rogue cancer cells left floating around in my bod. RED... tears and pee.... denial, denial, denial.... LOL! Too bad it's not Halloween time... I could scare the shit outta people just by crying baaahhaaa!
So here we are.... game plan in place, time for the Great Fuck You Cancer Battle, Part Deux!
Sunny Sunday Funday
When you are facing what is more than likely going to be some of the shittiest months of your life, beginning in less than a week, you have two choices.... You can lay in the house in a pile of depression and misery and dwell on what terrible things are to come OR you can get your ass up and jump in the shower, brush your beautiful long hair for one of the last times, treasuring every moment of it, and make the most out of what is sure to be one of the last sunny seventy degree days for many months to come.
Today I chose the later.
When you think you have it bad, just look around, and I bet you will find someone who would gladly trade places with you.
We have an angel tree at work with tags for little kids who need someone to "adopt" them for Christmas. Their parents are going through some hardships and need a little extra help. I always chose two girls, usually between the ages of 4 to 6. Why you may ask. Well we have all boys in our family, so I've never been able to buy the adorable little girl clothing, bows, jewelry, or buy a baby doll or a kitchen set. All the fun things that little girls would love! When I woke up this morning, I realized I basically had today left to shop for my Angel Tree girls before my shit hits the fan. And I definitely didn't want to let them down.
I am so thankful that while I was raising my son, I was always able to provide for him. He never had to stress over where he was going to live or where his next meal was coming from. There are too many children in this world who deal with this problem every day. And even though it's not much, for one magical day I love helping a few kids have a happy moment in what is probably a very stressful life. This tradition has become my favorite thing to do at Christmas.
I pick one day and binge shop for my girls every year. Today was that day this year. It is so much fun and makes me feel wonderful and blessed to be able to help out, even if it's just a little bit. This is what Christmas is really about. And for 3 hours today I forgot about cancer, surgeries, chemo, and my problems, and just imagined these little ones faces on Christmas morning.
I then got home and unloaded my goodies and grabbed the golden boy and headed to the park. I met a woman walking her dog. Auggie, of course, needed to make friends. She and I chatted for a moment and Thanksgiving was brought up in the conversation. I am not sure why, but I was compelled to tell her where I would be on Thanksgiving (the hospital... yippee!). She inquired further and I told her my cancer story. She thanked me for sharing and asked if she could pray for me on Wednesday. Of course I said yes. This stranger then hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. The kindness of this woman filled my heart and soul today with happiness.
I don't know if it was the shopping earlier in the day, the sunshine and warmth of the day, the amazing kindness of a stranger, or the ecstatic way my dog ran like crazy when I unleashed him in the big field, but for the first time in several weeks I felt normal and happy. I think I was even smiling a real smile. Not the fake "I'm fine" one that has been glued to my face since I got the "C" word call again.
And today, for the first time in weeks, I felt like maybe I will be okay. Maybe I will survive all that is about to be thrown at me over the next 5 months. I have been feeling very hopeless before today.
I also know, all too well from the last battle, that this is a temporary feeling and that my emotions will be those of a giant roller coaster. You know the one …. it goes upside down, and spins and eventually you throw up. Yes that is how the next few months will be, but today was a good day! I believe this day was given to me to embrace so that in the months to come I will be able to pull my "sunny Sunday funday" from the archives of my mind and tell myself, you're going to be okay.
Today I chose the later.
When you think you have it bad, just look around, and I bet you will find someone who would gladly trade places with you.
We have an angel tree at work with tags for little kids who need someone to "adopt" them for Christmas. Their parents are going through some hardships and need a little extra help. I always chose two girls, usually between the ages of 4 to 6. Why you may ask. Well we have all boys in our family, so I've never been able to buy the adorable little girl clothing, bows, jewelry, or buy a baby doll or a kitchen set. All the fun things that little girls would love! When I woke up this morning, I realized I basically had today left to shop for my Angel Tree girls before my shit hits the fan. And I definitely didn't want to let them down.
I am so thankful that while I was raising my son, I was always able to provide for him. He never had to stress over where he was going to live or where his next meal was coming from. There are too many children in this world who deal with this problem every day. And even though it's not much, for one magical day I love helping a few kids have a happy moment in what is probably a very stressful life. This tradition has become my favorite thing to do at Christmas.
I pick one day and binge shop for my girls every year. Today was that day this year. It is so much fun and makes me feel wonderful and blessed to be able to help out, even if it's just a little bit. This is what Christmas is really about. And for 3 hours today I forgot about cancer, surgeries, chemo, and my problems, and just imagined these little ones faces on Christmas morning.
I then got home and unloaded my goodies and grabbed the golden boy and headed to the park. I met a woman walking her dog. Auggie, of course, needed to make friends. She and I chatted for a moment and Thanksgiving was brought up in the conversation. I am not sure why, but I was compelled to tell her where I would be on Thanksgiving (the hospital... yippee!). She inquired further and I told her my cancer story. She thanked me for sharing and asked if she could pray for me on Wednesday. Of course I said yes. This stranger then hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. The kindness of this woman filled my heart and soul today with happiness.
I don't know if it was the shopping earlier in the day, the sunshine and warmth of the day, the amazing kindness of a stranger, or the ecstatic way my dog ran like crazy when I unleashed him in the big field, but for the first time in several weeks I felt normal and happy. I think I was even smiling a real smile. Not the fake "I'm fine" one that has been glued to my face since I got the "C" word call again.
And today, for the first time in weeks, I felt like maybe I will be okay. Maybe I will survive all that is about to be thrown at me over the next 5 months. I have been feeling very hopeless before today.
I also know, all too well from the last battle, that this is a temporary feeling and that my emotions will be those of a giant roller coaster. You know the one …. it goes upside down, and spins and eventually you throw up. Yes that is how the next few months will be, but today was a good day! I believe this day was given to me to embrace so that in the months to come I will be able to pull my "sunny Sunday funday" from the archives of my mind and tell myself, you're going to be okay.
Here I Go Again....
Well this is a post I hoped I would never have to write.... But here I am, back at it again. I won the 1 in 8 lottery with my first breast cancer diagnosis... and the 3% of the population Lotto with BRCA2. And now the next lotto has been won.... the 1 in 3 breast cancer survivors that will recur. The word won is definitely being used sarcastically here! haha Looks like you will be tortured with my horror stories of the continued shitty life of Kristy Lee once again. Yes, it was originally named Kristy's shitty year, but we are now heading into year number 3. It seems I may never ever again get a break from whatever fresh hell is waiting for me next. Not sure what the hell I did to the universe but man it's pissed at me about something! LOL!
So here we go.... 1 in 3... How it began.... Thursday evening I was showering. Went to shaving my armpits like I always do. For those of you that don't know, after mastectomy and lymph node removal, you have no feeling at all in your chest area and a lot of time under your arms.... All the nerves have been cut. So when shaving you cannot tell if your getting it all or not so you sometimes have to feel around to make sure. And this was the moment that will no doubt define my next year, if not my forever. I felt a mass. I knew it was something. Not scar tissue, not a cyst, something was not right. I got out of the shower and got dressed for bed. But as expected, I did not sleep much at all. At 8:03 I had my oncologist on speed dial and luckily was able to get into see him at 9:00 that morning. Doc checked it out and said, "I don't think it's probably anything to be really concerned about, but let's biopsy it just to make sure". Uh, yes, lets. Better safe than sorry is my new rule. So out of the oncologist office with a 1:00 appointment for a ultrasound needle guided biopsy. If you recall my first go around with this shit, me and needles do not like each other at all. So needles shoved in armpit didn't sound like a fun day at all! But nonetheless here we go. PTSD through the roof at this point. Checked into the outpatient section, escorted back to put on my most favorite outfit in the world... the ugly gown LOL I am now flopped up on the bed with arms overhead and the first set of needles being shoved into my pit. Felt great! lmao! Thankfully this got me totally numb and all I hear are the clicking sounds of each piece of my armpit being cut out, 5 in all. Hum must have been a decent size. Bandage up and ice pack applied and out the door I was sent... We'll call you on Monday, leaving me alone with my paranoid thoughts for the whole long ass 2.5 days.
Today, Monday, phone call day. Except no phone call. So I finally decided to call, confident that at 2:00 in the afternoon surely everything was fine or they would have called, right... no news = good news right. The radiologist got on the phone and said the preliminary results were in and everything was benign, but due to my history they were going to do a few more extensive tests just to be 100% sure. She would call me back once they were done with those. Ha! Benign! Yes! Relief! Back to working and feeling okay. Escaped a tragedy. Whew! LOL LOL LOL.... silly me! An hour later my phone rings... it's the doctor again. "I'm very sorry, but the more detailed samples show cancer in the lymph node." What?? Wait... noooooo, you said okay, benign, safe. WTF!!! At that point the very same numb feeling over came my body that happened just almost 2 years ago when I got the first "you have cancer" phone call. The blood drained from my face. I almost threw up and passed out. Cried a little.
Here I am again, two years later. Getting ready to make plans to try to save my life from the awful C word once again. This time the oncologist included terrible words in our preliminary game plan. PET scan. To check the rest of my body to see if it has spread anywhere else. Then chemo. Then radiation. ALL of the things that, two years ago, I was so relieved I did not have to go through because my cancer was "not aggressive" and chemo and radiation would not make enough of a difference in my chances of recurrence. So we did not purse them. Yet here I am... recurring... I cannot explain how angry I am... at God, at the doctors, at fate. It's not fair! How much pain needs to be inflicted upon one human being in such a short time before they just finally give up???
So I'm not sure where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been.... lol.... We'll start off with a PET scan I'm assuming this week early. I am praying like crazy for this horrible awful shit to have not spread any further. Then we will get a game plan from there, but it is sure to include chemo and radiation according to my conversation with my oncologist today. I know it sounds trivial and ridiculous but losing my hair is going to be so devastating to me. I am so sad, mad, depressed and just in shock at this moment. And this year, unlike my last go around, it will be alone. My best friend, my partner in crime, my support person is not going to be here with me and that scares me a lot too. But I must go on! I hope that I can make it to the other side of this next massive trial I am about to go through! And no doubt, if I do make it out to the other side, will once again be a different person with more life experiences than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime.
So here we go.... 1 in 3... How it began.... Thursday evening I was showering. Went to shaving my armpits like I always do. For those of you that don't know, after mastectomy and lymph node removal, you have no feeling at all in your chest area and a lot of time under your arms.... All the nerves have been cut. So when shaving you cannot tell if your getting it all or not so you sometimes have to feel around to make sure. And this was the moment that will no doubt define my next year, if not my forever. I felt a mass. I knew it was something. Not scar tissue, not a cyst, something was not right. I got out of the shower and got dressed for bed. But as expected, I did not sleep much at all. At 8:03 I had my oncologist on speed dial and luckily was able to get into see him at 9:00 that morning. Doc checked it out and said, "I don't think it's probably anything to be really concerned about, but let's biopsy it just to make sure". Uh, yes, lets. Better safe than sorry is my new rule. So out of the oncologist office with a 1:00 appointment for a ultrasound needle guided biopsy. If you recall my first go around with this shit, me and needles do not like each other at all. So needles shoved in armpit didn't sound like a fun day at all! But nonetheless here we go. PTSD through the roof at this point. Checked into the outpatient section, escorted back to put on my most favorite outfit in the world... the ugly gown LOL I am now flopped up on the bed with arms overhead and the first set of needles being shoved into my pit. Felt great! lmao! Thankfully this got me totally numb and all I hear are the clicking sounds of each piece of my armpit being cut out, 5 in all. Hum must have been a decent size. Bandage up and ice pack applied and out the door I was sent... We'll call you on Monday, leaving me alone with my paranoid thoughts for the whole long ass 2.5 days.
Today, Monday, phone call day. Except no phone call. So I finally decided to call, confident that at 2:00 in the afternoon surely everything was fine or they would have called, right... no news = good news right. The radiologist got on the phone and said the preliminary results were in and everything was benign, but due to my history they were going to do a few more extensive tests just to be 100% sure. She would call me back once they were done with those. Ha! Benign! Yes! Relief! Back to working and feeling okay. Escaped a tragedy. Whew! LOL LOL LOL.... silly me! An hour later my phone rings... it's the doctor again. "I'm very sorry, but the more detailed samples show cancer in the lymph node." What?? Wait... noooooo, you said okay, benign, safe. WTF!!! At that point the very same numb feeling over came my body that happened just almost 2 years ago when I got the first "you have cancer" phone call. The blood drained from my face. I almost threw up and passed out. Cried a little.
Here I am again, two years later. Getting ready to make plans to try to save my life from the awful C word once again. This time the oncologist included terrible words in our preliminary game plan. PET scan. To check the rest of my body to see if it has spread anywhere else. Then chemo. Then radiation. ALL of the things that, two years ago, I was so relieved I did not have to go through because my cancer was "not aggressive" and chemo and radiation would not make enough of a difference in my chances of recurrence. So we did not purse them. Yet here I am... recurring... I cannot explain how angry I am... at God, at the doctors, at fate. It's not fair! How much pain needs to be inflicted upon one human being in such a short time before they just finally give up???
So I'm not sure where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been.... lol.... We'll start off with a PET scan I'm assuming this week early. I am praying like crazy for this horrible awful shit to have not spread any further. Then we will get a game plan from there, but it is sure to include chemo and radiation according to my conversation with my oncologist today. I know it sounds trivial and ridiculous but losing my hair is going to be so devastating to me. I am so sad, mad, depressed and just in shock at this moment. And this year, unlike my last go around, it will be alone. My best friend, my partner in crime, my support person is not going to be here with me and that scares me a lot too. But I must go on! I hope that I can make it to the other side of this next massive trial I am about to go through! And no doubt, if I do make it out to the other side, will once again be a different person with more life experiences than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime.
Salt... Salt... Where's the &%$# Salt???
There are very few creatures on this earth that can live in
both salt water and fresh water. Fish
that live in a salt water environment and then, for whatever reason, are thrown
into a fresh water environment will die, because they do not have the skills to adapt to the new environment.
These are the crazy thoughts that run through my brain
in the late/early hours of the morning when I cannot sleep.
On this particular morning I find myself comparing myself to
the beautiful colorful salt water fishes of the far away islands in the middle
of the ocean. I have snorkeled there
many times. I wish now I would have taken
in the beauty just a little longer while I was out there.
Me, like that beautiful fish in the ocean, was the most
confident, beautiful person I could imagine.
I had begun to love myself and who I was. My life was content and happy and I didn’t
have a care in the world.
Now, in the aftermath of my nightmare, I liken myself to how the beautiful fish must feel like if they were ever to be swept into
clear fresh water for the first time…. Unable
to breathe, unable to adapt to their new surroundings.
I have lost pretty much everything and am starting over from
the bare bones; physically, mentally, socially.
And at my age, it’s not going to be easy. I am terrified of the unknown. I do not like myself at all. I hate that I am weak and cannot force myself
move on.
In my salty beautiful life, I would have been able to bounce back. But I have instead been thrust into the clear
water, and it is drowning me. To be totally
honest, sobriety sucks. I hate it. With a passion. Some nights I can feel the urge of the need to drink to be overwhelming. Longing desperately for my old life. Who cares if it kills me… I already feel dead anyways… right?? But, for the moment, I am resisting, for the
most part, and I have yet to pour that fifth of Jack down my throat, like I really want to do so
badly! I guess I should be proud of myself for coming this far....
It is funny how you get so set in your ways and how
comfortable you become that when you lose everything you feel like you are
going to drown in the clear water and die.
In the past year and a half people I love have passed on, I
have lost body parts I was quite fond of, a few furbabies have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, a few friends I
thought were friends betrayed my trust terribly, and a few friends and a soul mate hit the road and disappeared, taking pieces of me with them. Thus, leaving this beautiful fish thrust from the salty ocean and into the clear water, unable to breathe without her old environment. She has been cast out of and placed into this new life with
no coping skills at all needed to survive the fresh water.
I’m trying like hell to get it all back. But some days it’s just too much to even comprehend. Everything that I have been through. I go to therapy, mediate, do
yoga, and yet I still can’t seem to make myself move forward. I sit in wait of the next awful thing to
drop. And seriously can you blame
me? About every 3 months since November
2017 something has happened in my life.
Just about the moment when I feel like I might be able to breathe in the new fresh water and start moving forward, bam, something happens again. Preventing me from being able to move
forward, once again.
So for now this "salty" girl will be treading that fresh water like hell until she finally learns how to live and breathe freely in it without choking.
So for now this "salty" girl will be treading that fresh water like hell until she finally learns how to live and breathe freely in it without choking.
Birthday Reflections
Birthdays.... A time to reflect. A time to hit the reset button for another trip around the sun. Most of my birthdays in my adult life have been somewhat mediocre. And after the last two years, I would pray for my birthday reflection next year to be if nothing else, mediocre!
As a child birthdays were always exciting times for me. I share my birthday week with my mother and my sister. We would always have a big family gathering and a giant birthday party with three cakes and tons of presents and lots of love from all the family. I had a great childhood. Lord some days what I wouldn't give to go back in time!
This birthday for me is a major time for reflection. Thanks to good ole Facebook memories, all the years from the past that pop-up on this day reminding me of things, at times, I definitely would prefer not to remember. For me the last six years of awesome birthday celebrations popped up and reminded me what I have lost this year.... Those damn memories sometimes have a tendency to punch you in the gut when you're not expecting them to. I honestly don’t know why I continue to look at them. I guess I like torturing myself. LOL!
The last 365 days have been anything but easy for me. I look back at my memories from last year on this day. I was in Kansas City to see Kenny Chesney at Arrowhead with my fiancé. He bought us sand bar tickets for the show because we both loved Kenny so much and he knew it would be a special birthday for me since it was my first one after my cancer surgeries. My birthday last year was full of celebration and excitement. I had just beat cancer and was finally starting to kind of bounce back from all of the torture that had been put upon my body and mind from earlier in the year. Last year‘s reflection was of grateful gratitude. I felt like I had been given a new lease on life and I was ready to go out there and live it! Little did I know the person in possession of my voodoo doll was not done with me and killed any hopes and dreams of getting back to some kind of normalcy after cancer.
For those of you that don’t know, two weeks after that concert, I was rushed to ICU and put in the hospital for a week with some pancreas problems. Since that day, for the last year, I have been battling the same pancreas problems. Going to doctor after doctor and test after test with no one really being able to figure out why I am sick. The only thing they have come up with is it was either one of the chemo drugs I had taken or one of my surgeries may have caused some trauma. I have had to get sober for the first time in my life. I have had to learn how to eat a totally different way. And for the most part I’ve had to do this alone. Through all of the struggles and challenges and painful events caused by this illness, paired with the cancer journey, I slipped into a deep depression. It was a very dark, emotionally painful time for me. And then to top it off, in May of this year, the man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, decided he no longer wanted to be with me. He left. No warning. Just gone. So as you can see the last year has been less than idyllic to say the least!
But this morning as I lay in bed doing my annual birthday reflections I know this for sure…
I am a very strong, independent, amazing woman who has emerged out of the most terrible two years, that I would not wish upon anyone, with yet another year of hope! I am sober, more comfortable with myself than I have ever been in my life, and am learning how to be at peace with everything that has happened to me. I am trying, day by day, to accept these things and not dwell on them. It is hard some days. The mind is an amazing thing that can make you cra cra!! I am grateful I am still alive and I have been given a second chance at life. I know I do not need anything at all except faith and love for myself to be able to make this next trip around the sun the best year I can possibly ever have. This will be the year of "me". Self love and care.
In the last two weeks I’ve taken an amazing trip with two amazing strong single women to Florida. And I have been out dancing, acting crazy and just cutting loose just like I used to…… without alcohol! What... Are you kidding... Yep. Me. Dancing. No booze. That's a first! And the silver lining... No hangover! I’m not going to lie, it is hard. It is so very hard to let yourself feel, to cut loose, and just be yourself in front of people. People are cruel and they judge you. But I have also learned that those same people are the ones who are afraid to let go and cut loose and just be themselves. They have no other way of thinking except to judge you because they are too afraid to see themselves in that light. So they are forgiven.
But if you learn to love yourself enough, you don’t care what anyone else thinks because you know your heart and you know who you are.
I have learned life is an amazing gift that you’re given every single day. I have learned to wake up every morning with gratitude and just live each day as if it was my last. Be crazy, be silly, have fun, live in the moment and just be yourself. Love yourself, because in the end, no one else is going to love you until you learn to love yourself first! I am working on this every single day. I have good days and I have very dark days. But I figure as long as I keep working on it, eventually I will see some light at the end of this VERY long tunnel.
So there you have it.... the birthday musings of a 48-year-old woman who has emerged from the fire and is ready to take this next trip around the sun and try to make it the best year of her life!
The First Sober Holiday
Ahhhh Memorial Weekend. The beginning of summer. Time to open the patios, the lake houses, the pools, and let the parties begin. Three day weekend full of parties and drinking....
For me, this was my very first Memorial Weekend, hell, probably my very first holiday I haven't, at some point, been plowed out of my mind. Then the hangover that proceeded after, which usually would then either 1) ruin the rest of your weekend, or 2) say screw it and go back at it again, hair of the dog... blah blah blah....Yep that was me!
But not this year. This year, another first. Stone cold sober the WHOLE Memorial weekend. Also stone cold bored out of my mind. I doubt it was intentional. But not one invite to do anything all weekend. No parties, lake trips, BBQs. Nothing. I'm blaming it on sobriety. She's no longer fun. She can't drink. Better not invite her. That is where my mental mind went. And then, I did get to attend a party after all... my own pity party LOL!
For the past 6 years my ex and I always found something to do on the 3 day weekend that signaled the start of summer. Both of us were always so sick of the winter that this was a great celebration... no more freezing to death, for at least a few months!! This year... no fiancé and no parties. Just me, alone with my thoughts and the furkids.
This holiday weekend was spent quite productive instead. Sobriety, combined with heartache and a holiday to boot, fueled the fire that made me clean like a mad woman. I'm pretty sure my house has NEVER been cleaner. The animals, I'm sure, are thrilled. They get to go to the dog park and go for walks every night. The guilt I now have when I do not walk the dogs or take them to the park, had eluded me during my years of drinking. I was too busy feeling like I might miss something at the bar to worry about how we were probably neglecting our "kids" at home.
But here we are. Tuesday, back to work. And I survived. My first sober holiday.
Going.... Going.... Gone....
My old life. My plans for the future.
Tomorrow the house will be sold. Tomorrow all of the hard work, planning, and saving for the future will be gone. And for what... I'm still not sure. I just know that it is sad.
In the perfect world, we were going to live in our house for the next 12 years. And on the same month as my retirement, the house would also be paid off. From there it would go on the market and we would pack up and head straight to a condo on the beach with the money from the sale of the house. Poof... in the blink of an eye.... gone. Back to being "homeless", broke, and broken and starting over again at 47. Still dealing with health problems that may or may not ever be resolved. But for the moment we are monitoring every 3 months and hopefully maybe eventually that pancreas will behave and I can get back to some normalcy, whatever the hell that is! haha!
Where do I go from here...... I do not know, but what I do know is this, I will bounce back and my future will be brighter than what it was going to be in my old life and my old future plans!
For now, my baby, my son, is buying the house and renting it to me so that I do not have to uproot and suffer through any more changes. I have had enough changes and challenges in my life in the last year and a half for a lifetime and I am grateful that through this shitty situation, I do not have to go through another one. I can stay put with my furkids and try to build back the pieces of myself that have fallen apart over the last couple of years.
I am, for the very first time in my adult life, living sober. I am finding ways to be comfortable with just being still and alone with me, myself, and I. I have never done this before. I believe it will help me to continue to grow to be a better person and to just be able to love myself first. I am learning how to be alone and to be okay with that. I am learning it's okay to show emotions, be vulnerable, and to let people love you and take care of you. I'm learning it's okay to demand love and respect and damnit I deserve to be treated with it. And when all of this happens, I will then be able to love someone else better than I ever have before. With all the love that my future partner deserves.
For the first time in my life I am not frantically searching for the next relationship. I am letting each day come at me and taking it in stride. I'm not planning for the future any more, because I have learned that plans can change in the blink of an eye and you never know what is going to happen. People get sick. People die. People leave. And you are then left with disappointment and heartache because life didn't turn out like you planned.
So for me, going forward, I am going to live one day at at time. I am going to get up every day and live my best life for myself. Live each and every day as if it was my last. I am going to love with everything I have, because you never know when that love will go away. I am going to work hard and make the most out of every pay check, because you never know when you may no longer be able to work. No one really knows what is going to happen today, tomorrow, next month, or next year. So why not live each and every day in the moment. By not planning ahead, with any luck at all and God's grace, you will eventually end up there anyways and then you can then look back and say hey I made it to where I "didn't plan on being".
For myself, I am "not planning" on still being on that beach in 12 years and 19 days come hell or high water. I hope to be married to the love of my life (I know he's out there!). And to live out the rest of my days walking hand in hand with him until the fairy tale is over. But in that time between now and then I will live life to the fullest, love with all my heart, and laugh at the craziness that is life, because let's face it you can either laugh or cry and well crying just ruins your makeup! haha!
So for now, onward and upward and live each day like there is no future to plan for!
One. Day. At. A. Time.
Tomorrow the house will be sold. Tomorrow all of the hard work, planning, and saving for the future will be gone. And for what... I'm still not sure. I just know that it is sad.
In the perfect world, we were going to live in our house for the next 12 years. And on the same month as my retirement, the house would also be paid off. From there it would go on the market and we would pack up and head straight to a condo on the beach with the money from the sale of the house. Poof... in the blink of an eye.... gone. Back to being "homeless", broke, and broken and starting over again at 47. Still dealing with health problems that may or may not ever be resolved. But for the moment we are monitoring every 3 months and hopefully maybe eventually that pancreas will behave and I can get back to some normalcy, whatever the hell that is! haha!
Where do I go from here...... I do not know, but what I do know is this, I will bounce back and my future will be brighter than what it was going to be in my old life and my old future plans!
For now, my baby, my son, is buying the house and renting it to me so that I do not have to uproot and suffer through any more changes. I have had enough changes and challenges in my life in the last year and a half for a lifetime and I am grateful that through this shitty situation, I do not have to go through another one. I can stay put with my furkids and try to build back the pieces of myself that have fallen apart over the last couple of years.
I am, for the very first time in my adult life, living sober. I am finding ways to be comfortable with just being still and alone with me, myself, and I. I have never done this before. I believe it will help me to continue to grow to be a better person and to just be able to love myself first. I am learning how to be alone and to be okay with that. I am learning it's okay to show emotions, be vulnerable, and to let people love you and take care of you. I'm learning it's okay to demand love and respect and damnit I deserve to be treated with it. And when all of this happens, I will then be able to love someone else better than I ever have before. With all the love that my future partner deserves.
For the first time in my life I am not frantically searching for the next relationship. I am letting each day come at me and taking it in stride. I'm not planning for the future any more, because I have learned that plans can change in the blink of an eye and you never know what is going to happen. People get sick. People die. People leave. And you are then left with disappointment and heartache because life didn't turn out like you planned.
So for me, going forward, I am going to live one day at at time. I am going to get up every day and live my best life for myself. Live each and every day as if it was my last. I am going to love with everything I have, because you never know when that love will go away. I am going to work hard and make the most out of every pay check, because you never know when you may no longer be able to work. No one really knows what is going to happen today, tomorrow, next month, or next year. So why not live each and every day in the moment. By not planning ahead, with any luck at all and God's grace, you will eventually end up there anyways and then you can then look back and say hey I made it to where I "didn't plan on being".
For myself, I am "not planning" on still being on that beach in 12 years and 19 days come hell or high water. I hope to be married to the love of my life (I know he's out there!). And to live out the rest of my days walking hand in hand with him until the fairy tale is over. But in that time between now and then I will live life to the fullest, love with all my heart, and laugh at the craziness that is life, because let's face it you can either laugh or cry and well crying just ruins your makeup! haha!
So for now, onward and upward and live each day like there is no future to plan for!
One. Day. At. A. Time.
Love + Kindness = Hope
Ahhh Summertime.... When Kristy emerges from her winter hibernation and finally removes her butt from the comfy recliner. haha! The last four days have been a crazy whirlwind. I did things that I did not really want to do because I would be doing them alone.... and without booze....alone for the first time in at least 6 years. I had almost talked myself out of several fun things because I am no longer comfortable going places and doing things by myself. I used to be able to drink a few glasses of wine before events and then I was okay. No more wine = Why don't we just stay home. But I forced myself out of my comfort zone. I am so very proud of myself and very glad I did. I came out of this weekend with a whole new attitude and outlook on life going forward.
From Thursday morning while sitting in the SLU waiting room waiting for my MRI, to this afternoon at Logboat for a CMHS event, love and kindness seemed to present itself around every corner, giving me hope for my future.
Thursday morning while sitting and waiting for my MRI, a mother was sitting in the waiting room with her son. He was probably my baby's age (26 for those of you that don't know) and was obviously nervous, although trying to act cool. His mom was there with him and helping him to fill out the forms and trying to calm his nerves without taking away his machoness. All the while I'm sure she was probably worried sick as well. In the same waiting room, an elderly man sat, looking obviously worried about his wife, who was getting ready to go back for her scans, holding her hand and smiling through his worry, telling her everything was going to be okay. Love was present in that room.
Thursday evening I had the honor of attending an American Cancer Society Day at the Ballpark Survivor dinner in St. Louis. The invitees were survivors and their caregivers. The unconditional love these people had for each other that surrounded me in the room that evening was amazing. There were men and women of all ages who had cancer at some point and their caregivers were right there by their sides, being their biggest cheerleaders. There were no looks of resentment on their faces, just love and relief that their person was still alive and with them. Unfortunately not everyone who goes through cancer makes it out to the other side with their relationships in tact. I wish my ex could have been there to celebrate with me, but our relationship is one that just didn't survive the ugliness that cancer inflicts on relationships. So while I was a little sad he was not there, the event made me open my eyes and realize there is hope. I had with me one of my very best friends since 6th grade, and 3 of my new "pink sisters" that went through an intense cancer retreat with me earlier in the year. I had love surrounding me at our table. And at that moment I realized love may have failed me in one way, but is still alive and well in my life in so many other ways. I realized I need to concentrate on the love and support that I do have and quit dwelling on the one that gave up on me.
Friday evening I attended the Relay for Life event in Columbia. Once again, survivors and their caregivers were invited around the track and then inside for a survivor and caregiver happy hour. I didn't know a soul who would be going. Tried to talk myself out of it several times. Wanted to drink so badly, but made myself go and do this new sober Kristy thing. And there it was, starring me right in the face, the love and support of amazing men and women who were there for their person. There were some husbands wore shirts that said "her fight is my fight". I'm not going to say I wasn't a tad big jealous of these people who had such a great and strong supporter by their side. But the love that was shown in the stadium towards everyone gave me, once again, hope. I ran into friends who had been fighting as well. I met new friends and learned about new support groups that I could join. My Healing Chair group was there as well. I was able to visit with them and I felt the massive amount of support these women were giving. Even though I had never even met some of them, I felt love from them immediately. Had I chickened out and not went, I wouldn't have learned about the support groups and wouldn't have met all of these inspiring women.
After the events of the past two days, yesterday morning, I got out of bed with a new attitude. No more concentrating on what I do not have or what I have lost, but to start being grateful for everything and everyone in my life who loves and supports me. Get up every day and do what I can do and LIVE. Just live. I may need a nap here and there and some days I may feel like shit and have to stay on the couch, but keep on LIVING! So I cleaned the garage out. I cleaned off the deck. I went and had lunch with my 95 year old grandfather. I generously received a new patio table and chairs, to replace the ones that were lost in the "divorce" and my payment will be tickets to the "Pets" movie. Here's a secret... that's not really a fair payment because I am a weirdo and LOVE that movie series. I'd pay someone to go with me anyways.... *wink* You know who you are! I went and listened to some live music and danced. Without alcohol. And people let me tell you what, this is so hard for me to do. It may sound easy to anyone who doesn't have a problem with social settings and alcohol. For me, it was rough. But I did it. And as with any time I see live music, the music healed my soul, even if it was just for a few hours. I miss my partner in crime terribly bad, but I am no longer going to let that stop me from living my best life and doing the things that I love. albeit sober....it will get easier, I have no doubt.
Today was up and at 'em. Day number two of no more mourning and feeling sorry for myself. I did the grocery shopping. Then went and bought flowers to brighten up my deck. I have always planted flowers in the summer and I was just going to forego it this year. I was just too angry and bitter. But my new outlook made me go and get my summer flowers. I grabbed the big golden boy and took him to the park for Art in the Park. He was bored with the crowds so we went walking. Along the trail I saw what seemed to be a mother and her son who was possibly a paraplegic. She had him wheeled up to the railing of the deck overlooking the lake. She was massaging his head and talking to him in a loving and calming tone. I thought how hard that must be for that mother to see her son like that. But she is still there, doing anything she could possibly do to make him happy in some way. I saw moms and dads with their kids swimming, playing on the playground, and making a new art picture for the fridge maybe. How loved those kids are. Some parents do not ever spend any time with their children and just put them in front of a computer or game. I then grabbed my other "kid" and off to Logboat we went to end the day with some food truck tacos and a visit with a few more friends. The event at Logboat was a Humane Society reunion event, where owners who adopted and saved a dog's life were there. And in my mind, through the events of today, it was presented to me once again... unconditional love and kindness. It is out there. From the mom and her son at the lake, to the parents and their kids playing and swimming, to the kind people who adopted these dogs so they wouldn't be killed.
So there you have it folks, Love and Kindness is around us every day. You just have to be willing to open your eyes and look around. You will see it. And when you do, you will have this overwhelming feeling of hope. Hope for our futures, hope for love. I am going to take the last four day's events to bed with me tonight knowing that no matter what my MRI results bring this week, or what the next phase in my sober journey brings, or whatever else that damn person playing with my voodoo doll may have up their sleeve, I am going to LIVE with this new found hope! Although it would be great if my voodoo doll holder would place it on a shelf... for just a little while! LOL
From Thursday morning while sitting in the SLU waiting room waiting for my MRI, to this afternoon at Logboat for a CMHS event, love and kindness seemed to present itself around every corner, giving me hope for my future.
Thursday morning while sitting and waiting for my MRI, a mother was sitting in the waiting room with her son. He was probably my baby's age (26 for those of you that don't know) and was obviously nervous, although trying to act cool. His mom was there with him and helping him to fill out the forms and trying to calm his nerves without taking away his machoness. All the while I'm sure she was probably worried sick as well. In the same waiting room, an elderly man sat, looking obviously worried about his wife, who was getting ready to go back for her scans, holding her hand and smiling through his worry, telling her everything was going to be okay. Love was present in that room.
Thursday evening I had the honor of attending an American Cancer Society Day at the Ballpark Survivor dinner in St. Louis. The invitees were survivors and their caregivers. The unconditional love these people had for each other that surrounded me in the room that evening was amazing. There were men and women of all ages who had cancer at some point and their caregivers were right there by their sides, being their biggest cheerleaders. There were no looks of resentment on their faces, just love and relief that their person was still alive and with them. Unfortunately not everyone who goes through cancer makes it out to the other side with their relationships in tact. I wish my ex could have been there to celebrate with me, but our relationship is one that just didn't survive the ugliness that cancer inflicts on relationships. So while I was a little sad he was not there, the event made me open my eyes and realize there is hope. I had with me one of my very best friends since 6th grade, and 3 of my new "pink sisters" that went through an intense cancer retreat with me earlier in the year. I had love surrounding me at our table. And at that moment I realized love may have failed me in one way, but is still alive and well in my life in so many other ways. I realized I need to concentrate on the love and support that I do have and quit dwelling on the one that gave up on me.
Friday evening I attended the Relay for Life event in Columbia. Once again, survivors and their caregivers were invited around the track and then inside for a survivor and caregiver happy hour. I didn't know a soul who would be going. Tried to talk myself out of it several times. Wanted to drink so badly, but made myself go and do this new sober Kristy thing. And there it was, starring me right in the face, the love and support of amazing men and women who were there for their person. There were some husbands wore shirts that said "her fight is my fight". I'm not going to say I wasn't a tad big jealous of these people who had such a great and strong supporter by their side. But the love that was shown in the stadium towards everyone gave me, once again, hope. I ran into friends who had been fighting as well. I met new friends and learned about new support groups that I could join. My Healing Chair group was there as well. I was able to visit with them and I felt the massive amount of support these women were giving. Even though I had never even met some of them, I felt love from them immediately. Had I chickened out and not went, I wouldn't have learned about the support groups and wouldn't have met all of these inspiring women.
After the events of the past two days, yesterday morning, I got out of bed with a new attitude. No more concentrating on what I do not have or what I have lost, but to start being grateful for everything and everyone in my life who loves and supports me. Get up every day and do what I can do and LIVE. Just live. I may need a nap here and there and some days I may feel like shit and have to stay on the couch, but keep on LIVING! So I cleaned the garage out. I cleaned off the deck. I went and had lunch with my 95 year old grandfather. I generously received a new patio table and chairs, to replace the ones that were lost in the "divorce" and my payment will be tickets to the "Pets" movie. Here's a secret... that's not really a fair payment because I am a weirdo and LOVE that movie series. I'd pay someone to go with me anyways.... *wink* You know who you are! I went and listened to some live music and danced. Without alcohol. And people let me tell you what, this is so hard for me to do. It may sound easy to anyone who doesn't have a problem with social settings and alcohol. For me, it was rough. But I did it. And as with any time I see live music, the music healed my soul, even if it was just for a few hours. I miss my partner in crime terribly bad, but I am no longer going to let that stop me from living my best life and doing the things that I love. albeit sober....it will get easier, I have no doubt.
Today was up and at 'em. Day number two of no more mourning and feeling sorry for myself. I did the grocery shopping. Then went and bought flowers to brighten up my deck. I have always planted flowers in the summer and I was just going to forego it this year. I was just too angry and bitter. But my new outlook made me go and get my summer flowers. I grabbed the big golden boy and took him to the park for Art in the Park. He was bored with the crowds so we went walking. Along the trail I saw what seemed to be a mother and her son who was possibly a paraplegic. She had him wheeled up to the railing of the deck overlooking the lake. She was massaging his head and talking to him in a loving and calming tone. I thought how hard that must be for that mother to see her son like that. But she is still there, doing anything she could possibly do to make him happy in some way. I saw moms and dads with their kids swimming, playing on the playground, and making a new art picture for the fridge maybe. How loved those kids are. Some parents do not ever spend any time with their children and just put them in front of a computer or game. I then grabbed my other "kid" and off to Logboat we went to end the day with some food truck tacos and a visit with a few more friends. The event at Logboat was a Humane Society reunion event, where owners who adopted and saved a dog's life were there. And in my mind, through the events of today, it was presented to me once again... unconditional love and kindness. It is out there. From the mom and her son at the lake, to the parents and their kids playing and swimming, to the kind people who adopted these dogs so they wouldn't be killed.
So there you have it folks, Love and Kindness is around us every day. You just have to be willing to open your eyes and look around. You will see it. And when you do, you will have this overwhelming feeling of hope. Hope for our futures, hope for love. I am going to take the last four day's events to bed with me tonight knowing that no matter what my MRI results bring this week, or what the next phase in my sober journey brings, or whatever else that damn person playing with my voodoo doll may have up their sleeve, I am going to LIVE with this new found hope! Although it would be great if my voodoo doll holder would place it on a shelf... for just a little while! LOL
When The Cheerleaders Disappear....
You have breast cancer.... It's been a little over a year now since I heard those terrible words. A giant whirlwind. Most of it I don't remember. Not sure if it was the good drugs or if my brain has chosen to forget the many painful moments.
I am now living in the "aftermath" of my personal Armageddon. What anyone who has not had the pleasure of going through a shitty cancer year does not know, is that the aftermath is more awful than the actual event. This is when you fall into the darkest place you have ever been in your whole entire life. A time when you should be seeing rainbows, but instead you are under a dark and lonely cloud.
In the beginning stages of the diagnosis out come the "cheerleaders". People you only knew as colleagues, people you didn't even really know they knew your name, and basically everyone you know surrounds you with love and empowering words of encouragement. "You Got This". "You're so Strong". You're so Brave".... you get the picture.... The cheerleaders visit you, call you, text you, follow your every moment. They cook for you and clean for you. And at this moment you feel so strong and brave that you feel like you can conquer anything! I was so blessed to have one of the best support systems out there! I challenge you to find one better :) Totally my biased opinion.
Then come the surgeries and treatments and recovery periods. The "cheerleaders" are still surrounding you with love and encouragement. And then all of a sudden you're "cured". You're well. You're alive! You made it! And you finally feel like you are going to get your life back and you can move forward as you were before the big C word was ever uttered.
The "cheerleaders" all head back into their own lives. The calls, texts, visits, well wishes become less frequent and eventually stop. And this is when it happens. You fall into the deepest, darkest place in your mind that you've ever been.
You see, just because treatment is over, doesn't mean the torture is over. No, it just means that there is a new kind of torture. It lies deep in any breast cancer survivors mind. Every single day. You think about breast cancer, every pain or ache you have makes wonder... Is it back?? Your body still hurts from all of the scars and nerves trying to connect. Yes... still one, two, even three years and beyond your chest still feels like a permanent sunburn has landed on that tender area where your beautiful breasts used to be. The mourning period for your breasts begins. The mental torture one inserts into their mind is unbearable. Most days are just a numb walk through with some glimmers of happiness and hope here and there. But it is always there.... in the back of your mind.... Is it back???
You can't help but obsess over it. Try as I may, the obsession is there. Friends disappear. I'm sure because they are sick of hearing about it. Hell so am I. I wish I could just shut the fuck up about it and move on. But my brain won't let me. I'm stuck. I tend to gravitate toward other survivors, other survivor events and activities. Leaving my old life and my old traditions and old ways of having fun far behind.
Back at work now, you walk down the halls... people look at you with pity. Some ask "how are you", and you can see the look in their eyes like "please don't tell me how you really are, I only asked out of politeness". LOL I know that look because I used to do the same thing. So you smile your fake ass smile and say "doing great"! When all you really want to say is "my life fucking sucks". But you definitely can't do that. They might send you to the funny farm or something..... haha!
The "aftermath" is a terrible dark place. So you if you know a breast cancer survivor, just know that because they are no longer sick, don't look sick, or are not in active treatment, they are more than likely still suffering some level of PTSD from their earlier years of hell. They probably still pray every single day, "please God, do not let that pain be my cancer back again". Because the odds have been preached to us. We know them backwards and forwards. We know what kind of cancer ours was and what percentage we have of it likely to come back. We know we were the unlucky #1 in 8 that got this shitty disease in the first place. We also know now our odds are a #1 in 3 that it's coming back to try to kill us again. 1 in 3.... that's pretty shitty odds. And we go to bed every single night praying that we are a #2 or #3 in this Russian roulette part of our journey.
So my words of wisdom for the day is just simply this...... Be kind to our fellow humans out there folks because more than likely they are going through something and a small act as simple as a smile or kind word in passing might make that person's day a little brighter in what might be an otherwise shitty day in their "aftermath". #bekind
I Didn't Cry Today!
Nope. Not one tear. That's good right? Or maybe my body just doesn't have any more tears left. My tear ducts are so swollen that they will not allow one more tear to be shed over this person. A person who obviously does not want me. So why in the hell would I want him. Sounds like insanity to me! But I miss him.
Today I was forced to shut the radio off in the car after a barrage of songs, one channel after another, played songs that were too hurtful to listen to. First the Eagles, then Buffett, and the last straw was Kenny. After all, we were just at the Kenny concert Thursday night. Yes, we, us, were together at a concert JUST Thursday night. Knowing now that all the while he was pretending with me, he was thinking about and texting the child. And I'm sure he was also wishing that it was her standing in my place, drinking and partying, like we used to do. Like she does. Like I can't. So for now, he has ruined my favorite music.
Will I ever be able to enjoy all of the things I love again and not cry? I assume I will. I have let him so far into my life that I allowed him to share all of the things I love the most, never thinking he would not be there to always share these. Never ever occurred to me that I would be left with nothing but thousands of memories of Us together in my favorite places, listening to my favorite music, doing my favorite things. He promised to love me forever. But he lied.
The place I want to retire to, is now jaded. Will I ever want to go back there again? Will I want to still retire there.
He has ruined it. ALL of it!!! Because I let him get to close. I let down my guard and let someone in again. It had been a very very long time since I had allowed such stupidity. Stupid me. NEVER again!
But I didn't cry today!
Today I was forced to shut the radio off in the car after a barrage of songs, one channel after another, played songs that were too hurtful to listen to. First the Eagles, then Buffett, and the last straw was Kenny. After all, we were just at the Kenny concert Thursday night. Yes, we, us, were together at a concert JUST Thursday night. Knowing now that all the while he was pretending with me, he was thinking about and texting the child. And I'm sure he was also wishing that it was her standing in my place, drinking and partying, like we used to do. Like she does. Like I can't. So for now, he has ruined my favorite music.
Will I ever be able to enjoy all of the things I love again and not cry? I assume I will. I have let him so far into my life that I allowed him to share all of the things I love the most, never thinking he would not be there to always share these. Never ever occurred to me that I would be left with nothing but thousands of memories of Us together in my favorite places, listening to my favorite music, doing my favorite things. He promised to love me forever. But he lied.
The place I want to retire to, is now jaded. Will I ever want to go back there again? Will I want to still retire there.
He has ruined it. ALL of it!!! Because I let him get to close. I let down my guard and let someone in again. It had been a very very long time since I had allowed such stupidity. Stupid me. NEVER again!
But I didn't cry today!
Sobriety and Heartbreak
There are pivotable moments in everyone's lives that are referred to as "before" and "after". For some there are several. Others just one huge life altering event that changes you forever.
For me "before" breast cancer, pancreatitis, and the aftermath of it, all of my "before" and "after" tragic moments seem like stupid trivial events that I should have just let go of, as they, after all, were not all that tragic. Just little curve balls in this thing we call life that shape the person you are when you go to your final destination. I had been, up to the point "before" breast cancer, been very fortunate that I had not had to endure some of the pains, heartaches, and personal true tragedies that others have had to endure. Life was pretty good. I sure wish I'd lived it better and more true to myself. But maybe that is why the "befores" and "afters" must occur. It is God's way of kicking you in the ass and saying, "wake up stupid, your life is passing before your eyes and you're not living your best one".
Breast cancer, pancreatitis, and the aftermath that comes with it is not for the faint of heart or for the weak. For the person going through it, it is hell and the struggle is one I do not wish upon my worst enemy. Both physically and mentally the toll is so great that more times than not, that person will do a complete 180 in every aspect of their life. I for one, have changed totally. It's hard to explain all of the ways, but the change is life altering for me. For the person who promises to love and never leave, who is standing beside and watching this happen to their loved one, sometimes can be just as hard for them. They do not understand what has happened to their "fun Kristy". They cannot comprehend how you have changed so quickly overnight. And they cannot handle it and they eventually leave. Leaving you with just another piece of your "before" cancer life that this terrible disease has stolen from you.
"Before" all of this fun stuff happened to me, when a relationship ended, the "before" Kristy would have went straight to the bar, drank enough to kill a small animal, and picked up the first willing victim and slept with them. I know, I know.... that is not how to handle "tragedy". But this is what I did. This is how I handled everything in my life that was too hard to face head on. Get drunk. That takes all of the feelings away and you do not have to deal with them. Because being emotional and showing raw feelings was just not acceptable to me in my mind. So I drank. I drank when I was sad, I drank when I was happy. I drank a lot. To me, at the time, it didn't seem like a lot. It was just a way of life. The "norm". At least 4 nights a week, and at least 4-5 drinks a night. No big deal. This is what everyone does. All of my "friends" are doing it. They're right there in the bar with me. Drinking, laughing, and forgetting. In reality, and in the light of day, and looking back into the "before", I would call myself a social alcoholic. I didn't see myself that way back then. I didn't drink all day. I didn't drink every day. But boy when I did drink I turned into someone that, looking back now, was a barely tolerable person in the moment of drunkness. My ex called me fun Kristy. Wanted to know where she went. He missed fun Kristy. But, that wasn't fun Kristy, or real Kristy, that was drunk Kristy. Kristy who was hiding all of her feelings and emotions so she didn't have to face them.
Sober Kristy... Or "real" Kristy as I say now is actually quiet, shy, and very insecure. I can look back now and realize I started drinking when I was in 8th grade, (yes... 8th grade!) about the time a person starts to feel like they need acceptance and will act out in any way to get attention. But being a very shy, quiet person, the only way I knew how to do that without feeling insecure was by drinking. So problem solved. Any time a social gathering would happen, so would a little drinky pooh. And from that moment on "fun Kristy" made her grand appearance and would be lingering for the next 30+ years. And as I got older, there were more social gatherings and then you add in life (because in 8th grade, lets face it, there's not much to be worried about). And then you add in all the little curve balls and each time you just add a drink. Until it became my norm. Drink and move on. No need to face it and deal with it. No need to accept any responsibility. Just have a drink and it all goes away.
It seems crazy to me because I thought I had to be drunk and drinking for people to like me. I thought I had to be that wild, drunk, crazy person to fit in. Come to find out that if a person truly loves you, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or sober, quiet or loud, they still will love you the same. And if they don't, then they probably never loved you to begin with.
So here I am, in the "after". Facing yet another bump in the road. My fiancé has left me for someone who could be his child. He does not love me any more, because of the "after" person that I have become. Because I am no longer "fun Kristy". And I am having to face this one head on. Sober. No booze, no wacky weed, stone cold sober. It was in this moment late last night that I realized all of the revelations above. Because all I really have wanted to do since Sunday was drink, and drink and drink. I wanted to forget every moment of the final moments of that morning. I wanted to forget every trip, every big life event, everything we had ever done. Because memories HURT! And the only way to do that is to drink or get high. I am no longer allowed to partake in either, or I could die (per my lovely doctor and my pancreas). So here I am doing all the feeling, hating, loving, missing, someone who has been the biggest part of my life for the last 6 years, knowing that it is over and I will have to get through this somehow. Even now I'm not sure how I'm going to get through. I just want to drink it all away! I've cried so much my eyes are screaming, STOP. I've cried in public, in front of people. For those of you who know me well, know that NEVER happens. To let someone see my emotions, no way. Another effect of the "after". When you are sober, everything comes at you hard and clear and there's no running away from your feelings. You just have to let them happen and feel them. This is the only way to heal.
So here I am......... The "after" Kristy. Single at 47. Starting over .... AGAIN. Sober. Quiet. Shy. Insecure. And not a clue in the world how I'm going to make it through this, but I just know that I have to. The alternative isn't an option. Friends say you've got this. You beat cancer. You can get over a stupid boy. But right now I do not have this and he wasn't just a stupid boy. He was someone that I love. And when you lose someone you love, whether through breakup or death, it's still a loss. A loss that I will be reeling from for many many many months to come.
Heartbreak and Sobriety ..... someday I will be referring to this as another "before". That is how life works. Throwing pivotal moments at you to mold you into the person you will be in the end.
For me "before" breast cancer, pancreatitis, and the aftermath of it, all of my "before" and "after" tragic moments seem like stupid trivial events that I should have just let go of, as they, after all, were not all that tragic. Just little curve balls in this thing we call life that shape the person you are when you go to your final destination. I had been, up to the point "before" breast cancer, been very fortunate that I had not had to endure some of the pains, heartaches, and personal true tragedies that others have had to endure. Life was pretty good. I sure wish I'd lived it better and more true to myself. But maybe that is why the "befores" and "afters" must occur. It is God's way of kicking you in the ass and saying, "wake up stupid, your life is passing before your eyes and you're not living your best one".
Breast cancer, pancreatitis, and the aftermath that comes with it is not for the faint of heart or for the weak. For the person going through it, it is hell and the struggle is one I do not wish upon my worst enemy. Both physically and mentally the toll is so great that more times than not, that person will do a complete 180 in every aspect of their life. I for one, have changed totally. It's hard to explain all of the ways, but the change is life altering for me. For the person who promises to love and never leave, who is standing beside and watching this happen to their loved one, sometimes can be just as hard for them. They do not understand what has happened to their "fun Kristy". They cannot comprehend how you have changed so quickly overnight. And they cannot handle it and they eventually leave. Leaving you with just another piece of your "before" cancer life that this terrible disease has stolen from you.
"Before" all of this fun stuff happened to me, when a relationship ended, the "before" Kristy would have went straight to the bar, drank enough to kill a small animal, and picked up the first willing victim and slept with them. I know, I know.... that is not how to handle "tragedy". But this is what I did. This is how I handled everything in my life that was too hard to face head on. Get drunk. That takes all of the feelings away and you do not have to deal with them. Because being emotional and showing raw feelings was just not acceptable to me in my mind. So I drank. I drank when I was sad, I drank when I was happy. I drank a lot. To me, at the time, it didn't seem like a lot. It was just a way of life. The "norm". At least 4 nights a week, and at least 4-5 drinks a night. No big deal. This is what everyone does. All of my "friends" are doing it. They're right there in the bar with me. Drinking, laughing, and forgetting. In reality, and in the light of day, and looking back into the "before", I would call myself a social alcoholic. I didn't see myself that way back then. I didn't drink all day. I didn't drink every day. But boy when I did drink I turned into someone that, looking back now, was a barely tolerable person in the moment of drunkness. My ex called me fun Kristy. Wanted to know where she went. He missed fun Kristy. But, that wasn't fun Kristy, or real Kristy, that was drunk Kristy. Kristy who was hiding all of her feelings and emotions so she didn't have to face them.
Sober Kristy... Or "real" Kristy as I say now is actually quiet, shy, and very insecure. I can look back now and realize I started drinking when I was in 8th grade, (yes... 8th grade!) about the time a person starts to feel like they need acceptance and will act out in any way to get attention. But being a very shy, quiet person, the only way I knew how to do that without feeling insecure was by drinking. So problem solved. Any time a social gathering would happen, so would a little drinky pooh. And from that moment on "fun Kristy" made her grand appearance and would be lingering for the next 30+ years. And as I got older, there were more social gatherings and then you add in life (because in 8th grade, lets face it, there's not much to be worried about). And then you add in all the little curve balls and each time you just add a drink. Until it became my norm. Drink and move on. No need to face it and deal with it. No need to accept any responsibility. Just have a drink and it all goes away.
It seems crazy to me because I thought I had to be drunk and drinking for people to like me. I thought I had to be that wild, drunk, crazy person to fit in. Come to find out that if a person truly loves you, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or sober, quiet or loud, they still will love you the same. And if they don't, then they probably never loved you to begin with.
So here I am, in the "after". Facing yet another bump in the road. My fiancé has left me for someone who could be his child. He does not love me any more, because of the "after" person that I have become. Because I am no longer "fun Kristy". And I am having to face this one head on. Sober. No booze, no wacky weed, stone cold sober. It was in this moment late last night that I realized all of the revelations above. Because all I really have wanted to do since Sunday was drink, and drink and drink. I wanted to forget every moment of the final moments of that morning. I wanted to forget every trip, every big life event, everything we had ever done. Because memories HURT! And the only way to do that is to drink or get high. I am no longer allowed to partake in either, or I could die (per my lovely doctor and my pancreas). So here I am doing all the feeling, hating, loving, missing, someone who has been the biggest part of my life for the last 6 years, knowing that it is over and I will have to get through this somehow. Even now I'm not sure how I'm going to get through. I just want to drink it all away! I've cried so much my eyes are screaming, STOP. I've cried in public, in front of people. For those of you who know me well, know that NEVER happens. To let someone see my emotions, no way. Another effect of the "after". When you are sober, everything comes at you hard and clear and there's no running away from your feelings. You just have to let them happen and feel them. This is the only way to heal.
So here I am......... The "after" Kristy. Single at 47. Starting over .... AGAIN. Sober. Quiet. Shy. Insecure. And not a clue in the world how I'm going to make it through this, but I just know that I have to. The alternative isn't an option. Friends say you've got this. You beat cancer. You can get over a stupid boy. But right now I do not have this and he wasn't just a stupid boy. He was someone that I love. And when you lose someone you love, whether through breakup or death, it's still a loss. A loss that I will be reeling from for many many many months to come.
Heartbreak and Sobriety ..... someday I will be referring to this as another "before". That is how life works. Throwing pivotal moments at you to mold you into the person you will be in the end.
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