One Year ... I'm Still Here!!

 June 1st marks ONE YEAR, 12 whole months of my bonus life! 

I'm going to try to celebrate just a tad, without jinxing the whole thing!  

For those of you who haven't been on the crazy train for the full four years of fun, 18 months ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  I asked my oncologist (mistake BTW), how much time do I have.  He replied very matter of factly "3-6 months".  That was 18 months ago.  Anything past that 6 month mark is referred to as my "bonus months".  What an amazing gift those months have been. 

With that as my background, I feel like I am worthy of giving some advice.  When I hear the song by Tim McGraw, "Live Like You We're Dying", I tear up a little bit.  I am living that song and I would definitely download it and listen to the words and think long and hard about what it says and means to you. I have, in the past 18 months, learned a lot about life, love, time and God and I would love to share some of my insight and lessons I have learned during this life altering year.

First and foremost, get your shit together.  No seriously, I know the thought of dying is not a top priority nor something you want to think about AT ALL!  But I'm telling you right now, if you really think about it and put yourself in my shoes, things will come to mind you never ever thought about before.  The first few months after my diagnosis I was a mad woman, checking off a list like crazy, trying to get everything I wanted done..... Before.  Of course there is the practical things, such as TOD, POD and naming beneficiaries on your vehicles, bank accounts, retirement accounts and life insurance, and taking care of getting the house put in a joint name.  If you google the subject there are very helpful checklists and websites to guide you through this process.  That was the easy part.  Something everyone over the age of 18 should do.  Then the thought process kicked in and there wasn't a list from the internet for the next step.   I bought a plastic file folder and files, then I  had a good long cry and a brainstorming session with myself.  What do I want in my "death" box.  What do I want my family to read, see, have, if the horrible doctor's prediction were to come to true. When you really check in and get real with yourself that list will be a mile long.  I worked for 3 months checking things off the brainstorm list.  This is not a bucket list mind you, these are just words you do not want left unsaid and things you do not want to go unseen, items important enough to be in that small plastic box.  Special gifts for your unwed children on their wedding day, possibly a gift for a grandchild who has not made it into this world yet that you may never meet, letters to the most special people in your life, videos, books, etc. all "just in case".  These first three months, and this first step, was the hardest thing I have ever done, but at the same time it was the most freeing thing as well.  I did the hard work and got my "shit" together.  It was sad but at the same time very liberating, as I now know that most of what I want said and seen are completed and I will not be left with I wish I would have said or done that. My family and friends hate it's name, but isn't that what it is?  This whole first process helped to me to move on and be able to LIVE my life without always thinking about things that need to be put in the box.  I honestly think everyone, sick or well alike, need to take this journey and prepare a "death" box, or whatever you chose to name it haha!  You will be amazed at the peace you will find when it is completed.  Of course as the months and years go on, I do think of things to add to it, but for me, I am at peace knowing it's there and finished.

Next came the "bucket" list.  Moving into month 4 of the unknown, I made my bucket list, knowing quite well I would not be able to check several of them off, not just because of a time frame, but because I am not a wealthy person.  Just paying the deductibles and co-pays every year eats up most of my "extra" money.  But I still made the list and put every single thing on there I could think of.  Mind you, at this point that 3-6 month time frame was still fresh in my mind and I was on month 4, but just having everything on the list and saying "someday" makes me feel hope that there will always be a "someday"  to those outlandish items on the list! Hope is one of the drivers of my persistence to never give up.  As long as there is hope, there is life!  It is amazing how many of the items I have actually been able to check off the list and what is more amazing, how the list and my priorities have changed in the last 18 months!  What was once seemingly very important now seems like wasted time.  

Time..... There is absolutely nothing more important than time.  Wanting and craving more.  And spending every single second loving the fact that I am alive.  No longer do I moan and groan over obligatory dinners, lunches, attending events.  I now know that I GET to do these things and I am BLESSED enough to be able to do everything that I do with either close friends or loving family members.  There is nothing in this world more special and being able to spend time with people who genuinely love you!  Over the past year I have been gifted time.  Time with a group of women who I couldn't love more if I tried.  We have really pushed the envelope and opened our calendars up over this past year in order to spend so much more time than we have in the past.  I had an amazing realization this past weekend at one of these special lady's daughter's wedding.  Our group, as we coined this weekend, the "fabulous five", have been friends since grade school.  Have we had our little confrontations, absolutely!  But somehow our love for each other has stood the test of time like no other.  One of the husbands said "I've really never seen anything like it".  And he is right, I don't think there is anything like the love we have amongst the "fab five".  I've always been quite open about my lack of luck in the love department, but it hit me this weekend, that love comes in all shapes and sizes and I'm pretty sure that we have hit the jackpot in the love department!  I'm not sure why I haven't noticed this before.  Maybe it took an outsider who attended the wedding with me, seeing his realization of our great bond, made me realize it for the first time just how amazing and special this thing is we have!  I hope and pray every day for more time with them, trips, lunches, dinners, weddings, etc.  All the things that we once all seemed a little less committed to but if nothing else, this thing of mine, taught us all how to open up the calendar and give a little more time.  

Then there is time with family.  This one gets me a little choked up, as there was so much, I mean a massive amount, of time wasted.  Wasted on sitting in a bar drinking instead of spending that precious time at family gatherings, ball games, concerts, or hell just visiting every once and a while.  I think this one eats at me the  most.  It's one of my regrets.  It's one of the biggies that I allowed alcohol to take  from me.  If you have a loving family and they are trying desperately to connect with you, make time for them!  Clear the calendar.  Make a "family date night" if you have to and put it on the calendar.  My sister and I, for probably the first time ever, are so close and I love her so much.  I have been absolutely blessed beyond measure to have had these bonus months to spend time with her and her family.  I believe things happened in the past few years happened so that we would have the time to become close like sisters are supposed to be.  Also time with my mom.  She stays with me and we have had a year of bonding and bickering (LOL) that has been amazing.  I've seen my daddy and talked to him more than ever in the past year as well. Family time with my extended family.  This year for New Years Eve I spent it with them, for the first time since I was little.  It was such a fun night!  In the past I was too busy getting drunk somewhere else and ignoring the fact that time was racing by and the chance to form these amazing and loving bonds were racing by as well.  I'm again so amazingly blessed to have given this time to make up for some of those many missed family bonding opportunities.  So if you get the chance to spend time with loving family or amazing beautiful close friends, don't put it off, clear the calendar and just do it!  

Pictures and Videos........ Here is my two cents, take all the pictures!  I know I drive people insane with my "let's take a picture".  But I promise you, one day you will be saying "I am so glad we took all of those pictures".  Be that person!  "Let's take a picture"!  Because one day that will be the very last picture you took of someone and it will become the most cherished photo ever.  And you never know when that may be, so again... Take All of The Pictures!  Be that pest!  Someone will thank you someday.

Faith....  I was raised in a small Southern Baptist church in Clifton Hill, MO with my full family always present on my dad's side.  I loved those Sunday's when my grandma and grandpa would load my sister and I up in the old pickup after church for lunch and a day of fun with them.  As we got older we transferred to a local church in Moberly, MO where I spent most of my junior high and high school years in the church with my youth group or the nursery rocking babies.  I always attended church camps, and in fact that was where I was saved.  Sweet Springs Baptist Church camp.  And I was baptized in that church.  My relationship with God after I left home became further and further away, until I meet a man and he was a very devout Catholic church goer.  After we dated a while I started attending the Catholic church with him and his family.  While I didn't understand much of that religion, I loved the after church lunch with the whole family, which took place every Sunday.  After we divorced, I went back to my non-church ways, began drinking even more than ever and pretty much shut religion out of my life.  When people talked about it I ignored it.  Then I was placed in a position at work which put me in direct report of two men.  Both are very Godly men.  I listened a little but didn't think much of it.  But I came to have immense respect and admiration for my direct boss.  He let me vent to him.  He talked to me about God but not in a pushy way but just matter of fact in that was what he believed.  When he retired and I was diagnosed with my second breast cancer diagnosis he gifted me a beach daily devotional.  He was good.  He knew how to get my attention - the beach.  I was at a point in my life where I was needing some major prayers and I started reading the devotional.  Then I started daily prayer and meditation.  I was finding my way back to my faith and then the devastating diagnosis and time frame.  I could have blamed God but instead I embraced faith over fear and anger and began asking for prayers.  I now have a whole army of prayer warriors on my side and I know that the power of prayer works miracles.  I am grateful for the bonus months which allowed me to find my way back to my faith.  

I had blood work done this week for my monthly check.  The important CA19 number that should be below 34, and at one time after chemo was a 9, has been increasing steadily every month since January of this year.  I fully expected the number to increase again, which means the cancer is "waking" up.  But by some miracle the number went down this time!  The first time since January that it hasn't increased.  It only decreased by about 10, but I'll take this as a WIN!  Thank you to all of my prayer warriors for your many prayers!  My next scan is June 28th.  Another big one of course, as they all are at this point.  But I would, as always, appreciate any prayers you can spare on that day.  

Here's to (HOPEFULLY) another 12 bonus months to come and more adventures with the ones I love!