One Year ... I'm Still Here!!

 June 1st marks ONE YEAR, 12 whole months of my bonus life! 

I'm going to try to celebrate just a tad, without jinxing the whole thing!  

For those of you who haven't been on the crazy train for the full four years of fun, 18 months ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  I asked my oncologist (mistake BTW), how much time do I have.  He replied very matter of factly "3-6 months".  That was 18 months ago.  Anything past that 6 month mark is referred to as my "bonus months".  What an amazing gift those months have been. 

With that as my background, I feel like I am worthy of giving some advice.  When I hear the song by Tim McGraw, "Live Like You We're Dying", I tear up a little bit.  I am living that song and I would definitely download it and listen to the words and think long and hard about what it says and means to you. I have, in the past 18 months, learned a lot about life, love, time and God and I would love to share some of my insight and lessons I have learned during this life altering year.

First and foremost, get your shit together.  No seriously, I know the thought of dying is not a top priority nor something you want to think about AT ALL!  But I'm telling you right now, if you really think about it and put yourself in my shoes, things will come to mind you never ever thought about before.  The first few months after my diagnosis I was a mad woman, checking off a list like crazy, trying to get everything I wanted done..... Before.  Of course there is the practical things, such as TOD, POD and naming beneficiaries on your vehicles, bank accounts, retirement accounts and life insurance, and taking care of getting the house put in a joint name.  If you google the subject there are very helpful checklists and websites to guide you through this process.  That was the easy part.  Something everyone over the age of 18 should do.  Then the thought process kicked in and there wasn't a list from the internet for the next step.   I bought a plastic file folder and files, then I  had a good long cry and a brainstorming session with myself.  What do I want in my "death" box.  What do I want my family to read, see, have, if the horrible doctor's prediction were to come to true. When you really check in and get real with yourself that list will be a mile long.  I worked for 3 months checking things off the brainstorm list.  This is not a bucket list mind you, these are just words you do not want left unsaid and things you do not want to go unseen, items important enough to be in that small plastic box.  Special gifts for your unwed children on their wedding day, possibly a gift for a grandchild who has not made it into this world yet that you may never meet, letters to the most special people in your life, videos, books, etc. all "just in case".  These first three months, and this first step, was the hardest thing I have ever done, but at the same time it was the most freeing thing as well.  I did the hard work and got my "shit" together.  It was sad but at the same time very liberating, as I now know that most of what I want said and seen are completed and I will not be left with I wish I would have said or done that. My family and friends hate it's name, but isn't that what it is?  This whole first process helped to me to move on and be able to LIVE my life without always thinking about things that need to be put in the box.  I honestly think everyone, sick or well alike, need to take this journey and prepare a "death" box, or whatever you chose to name it haha!  You will be amazed at the peace you will find when it is completed.  Of course as the months and years go on, I do think of things to add to it, but for me, I am at peace knowing it's there and finished.

Next came the "bucket" list.  Moving into month 4 of the unknown, I made my bucket list, knowing quite well I would not be able to check several of them off, not just because of a time frame, but because I am not a wealthy person.  Just paying the deductibles and co-pays every year eats up most of my "extra" money.  But I still made the list and put every single thing on there I could think of.  Mind you, at this point that 3-6 month time frame was still fresh in my mind and I was on month 4, but just having everything on the list and saying "someday" makes me feel hope that there will always be a "someday"  to those outlandish items on the list! Hope is one of the drivers of my persistence to never give up.  As long as there is hope, there is life!  It is amazing how many of the items I have actually been able to check off the list and what is more amazing, how the list and my priorities have changed in the last 18 months!  What was once seemingly very important now seems like wasted time.  

Time..... There is absolutely nothing more important than time.  Wanting and craving more.  And spending every single second loving the fact that I am alive.  No longer do I moan and groan over obligatory dinners, lunches, attending events.  I now know that I GET to do these things and I am BLESSED enough to be able to do everything that I do with either close friends or loving family members.  There is nothing in this world more special and being able to spend time with people who genuinely love you!  Over the past year I have been gifted time.  Time with a group of women who I couldn't love more if I tried.  We have really pushed the envelope and opened our calendars up over this past year in order to spend so much more time than we have in the past.  I had an amazing realization this past weekend at one of these special lady's daughter's wedding.  Our group, as we coined this weekend, the "fabulous five", have been friends since grade school.  Have we had our little confrontations, absolutely!  But somehow our love for each other has stood the test of time like no other.  One of the husbands said "I've really never seen anything like it".  And he is right, I don't think there is anything like the love we have amongst the "fab five".  I've always been quite open about my lack of luck in the love department, but it hit me this weekend, that love comes in all shapes and sizes and I'm pretty sure that we have hit the jackpot in the love department!  I'm not sure why I haven't noticed this before.  Maybe it took an outsider who attended the wedding with me, seeing his realization of our great bond, made me realize it for the first time just how amazing and special this thing is we have!  I hope and pray every day for more time with them, trips, lunches, dinners, weddings, etc.  All the things that we once all seemed a little less committed to but if nothing else, this thing of mine, taught us all how to open up the calendar and give a little more time.  

Then there is time with family.  This one gets me a little choked up, as there was so much, I mean a massive amount, of time wasted.  Wasted on sitting in a bar drinking instead of spending that precious time at family gatherings, ball games, concerts, or hell just visiting every once and a while.  I think this one eats at me the  most.  It's one of my regrets.  It's one of the biggies that I allowed alcohol to take  from me.  If you have a loving family and they are trying desperately to connect with you, make time for them!  Clear the calendar.  Make a "family date night" if you have to and put it on the calendar.  My sister and I, for probably the first time ever, are so close and I love her so much.  I have been absolutely blessed beyond measure to have had these bonus months to spend time with her and her family.  I believe things happened in the past few years happened so that we would have the time to become close like sisters are supposed to be.  Also time with my mom.  She stays with me and we have had a year of bonding and bickering (LOL) that has been amazing.  I've seen my daddy and talked to him more than ever in the past year as well. Family time with my extended family.  This year for New Years Eve I spent it with them, for the first time since I was little.  It was such a fun night!  In the past I was too busy getting drunk somewhere else and ignoring the fact that time was racing by and the chance to form these amazing and loving bonds were racing by as well.  I'm again so amazingly blessed to have given this time to make up for some of those many missed family bonding opportunities.  So if you get the chance to spend time with loving family or amazing beautiful close friends, don't put it off, clear the calendar and just do it!  

Pictures and Videos........ Here is my two cents, take all the pictures!  I know I drive people insane with my "let's take a picture".  But I promise you, one day you will be saying "I am so glad we took all of those pictures".  Be that person!  "Let's take a picture"!  Because one day that will be the very last picture you took of someone and it will become the most cherished photo ever.  And you never know when that may be, so again... Take All of The Pictures!  Be that pest!  Someone will thank you someday.

Faith....  I was raised in a small Southern Baptist church in Clifton Hill, MO with my full family always present on my dad's side.  I loved those Sunday's when my grandma and grandpa would load my sister and I up in the old pickup after church for lunch and a day of fun with them.  As we got older we transferred to a local church in Moberly, MO where I spent most of my junior high and high school years in the church with my youth group or the nursery rocking babies.  I always attended church camps, and in fact that was where I was saved.  Sweet Springs Baptist Church camp.  And I was baptized in that church.  My relationship with God after I left home became further and further away, until I meet a man and he was a very devout Catholic church goer.  After we dated a while I started attending the Catholic church with him and his family.  While I didn't understand much of that religion, I loved the after church lunch with the whole family, which took place every Sunday.  After we divorced, I went back to my non-church ways, began drinking even more than ever and pretty much shut religion out of my life.  When people talked about it I ignored it.  Then I was placed in a position at work which put me in direct report of two men.  Both are very Godly men.  I listened a little but didn't think much of it.  But I came to have immense respect and admiration for my direct boss.  He let me vent to him.  He talked to me about God but not in a pushy way but just matter of fact in that was what he believed.  When he retired and I was diagnosed with my second breast cancer diagnosis he gifted me a beach daily devotional.  He was good.  He knew how to get my attention - the beach.  I was at a point in my life where I was needing some major prayers and I started reading the devotional.  Then I started daily prayer and meditation.  I was finding my way back to my faith and then the devastating diagnosis and time frame.  I could have blamed God but instead I embraced faith over fear and anger and began asking for prayers.  I now have a whole army of prayer warriors on my side and I know that the power of prayer works miracles.  I am grateful for the bonus months which allowed me to find my way back to my faith.  

I had blood work done this week for my monthly check.  The important CA19 number that should be below 34, and at one time after chemo was a 9, has been increasing steadily every month since January of this year.  I fully expected the number to increase again, which means the cancer is "waking" up.  But by some miracle the number went down this time!  The first time since January that it hasn't increased.  It only decreased by about 10, but I'll take this as a WIN!  Thank you to all of my prayer warriors for your many prayers!  My next scan is June 28th.  Another big one of course, as they all are at this point.  But I would, as always, appreciate any prayers you can spare on that day.  

Here's to (HOPEFULLY) another 12 bonus months to come and more adventures with the ones I love! 

The Relevance of a Moment in Time

Today is Cinco de Mayo. The relevance of this day used to be huge for me. I would take off work early, AND if you were really lucky, it fell on a Saturday! What? A whole day of hanging out with "friends" and hitting every Mexican place in town for a few tequila shots and of course, margaritas. Back then I thought there would never ever be a Cinco de Mayo I would not participate in and celebrate! Boy how times change. Today I didn't even realize it was Cinco de Mayo. Didn't even give it a thought until I started seeing all the photos on social media of people celebrating. No, today I will be finding out if my life will be extended or not. I sure would love to go back in time for just one more carefree Cinco de Mayo celebration. *sigh* 

 My carefree days have been few and far between over the last 3 years, as most of you know, through the journey here on my blog. At the time I started this "book", it was just a way to let everyone know about my first breast cancer journey, which I thought would be short and sweet. HAHA.... joke was on me huh? Here we are almost 3 years later still writing. I will admit it helps me a lot to get things off my mind when I write. It somehow helps my brain to process the pain I suppose. 

 These last two years have seemed like a giant series of ironical events, as I have mentioned in several of my previous posts. Today is absolutely no exception at all. Two years ago today my fiancé came home after staying out all night and announced that he was in love with someone else and was leaving me to be with her. The same fiancé who, a year earlier, after we had been together for 7 years, got down on one knee and proposed right after my first breast cancer diagnosis and said "I want you to know that I've heard this is going to get really hard and I want you to know I will never leave you no matter how hard it gets". A year later, I guess it just got too hard. I didn't celebrate Cinco de Mayo that year either. I only bring this up to make a point. In this moment two years ago I thought that was the worst day of my life. That things could not get any worse. I was absolutely devastated and if I'm being honest, still working on getting over it. But that was the relevance of that moment in time. 

 Six months after he left I found a lump in a lymph node and was told my breast cancer had returned. All of a sudden being dumped and left alone was nothing compared to what I was about to go through. Over that next six months I went through surgery to remove lymph nodes, chemo, and radiation. At this moment in time, this was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to face, but after all was said and done, I was deemed cancer free and I felt like I had gotten another chance at life. I bought a Jeep, started dating again and felt like I was finally free of my past demons and could go forward living a life of peace, sobriety, and was hopeful for another chance at love. I was ready to start over and do things right .... finally! 

 Six months later I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was given 3-6 months to live. April 25th was the 6 month mark and I am still here! And yesterday, May the 4th (be with you) HAHA, I walked into the cancer center for another PET scan. This moment in time is a big one folks! I have just finished 6 months of the most grueling chemo there is out there (so I'm told) like a champ, I might add. The current chemo has left me with no feeling in my toes at all and was starting to work on my feet as well as my fingers, so definitely hoping for a break in this regimen. This PET scan will tell the doctors if the chemo has worked or if the tumors are growing and spreading. The hope is that there is either shrinkage or stable results and nothing has grown or spread. Usually you get your results right away when you have a scan, but the cancer center has a new process in place and now you have to wait a day for results. Those 24 hours seemed like an eternity! I spent the evening at a winery with a friend participating in a paint class, painting a beautiful tropical scene, of course. This at least kept my psycho mind at bay for a few hours and my picture is not totally a wreck, so that was a good night in my books. 

 Today is the day. It was finally here. One that I really thought I would dread and be distraught with thoughts of what had happened two years ago, compounded with the scan results, but instead I did not think about that day two years ago at all except maybe once or twice, and then quickly shook it off. I had other things, way more important things, to think about today. Will I get to add more months to my life or will I be preparing for the end of it? The relevance of a moment in time.... No, two years ago was not the worst day of my life, I just thought it was, because up to that moment it was. Time moves on, things happen, and you forget how much it, at one time, hurt so badly. I begin every single morning with the Serenity Prayer and end my morning prayers with a little meditation. Sometimes I repeat this routine several times throughout the day. I pray every single day that this will just be another painful moment in time and that someday way into the future I can look back at and thank God he spared me. That is my hope and prayer. Although I am not naïve at all and I know the statistics and the chances of that are slim. As of right now there is no cure for PC, but only to contain it and extend life some, yet I still have hope and I still believe in miracles! If they can find a Covid vaccine so quickly, maybe the scientist and doctors out there are on the cusp of a new drug to help all of us suffering from this awful diagnosis! 

 Today in I go to the center. Blood draw first, as always. Feeling like I'm going to barf, cry, scream, yet all I do is sit there waiting for Dr. I to come in and give it to me straight. And yes, drum roll, today my scan showed a 50% reduction in the pancreatic tumor from the beginning of my diagnosis in October. The scan also still shows no growth or new tumors anywhere else. This is what we have been praying for at this stage of the game! So now I will begin a daily chemo pill call Lymparza. It is pretty new to the treatment scene a VERY new to the treatment of pancreatic cancer. While this pill is only effective in about 50% of the people, it was developed to target people specifically with the BRCA mutation. Hey look everyone FINALLY the BRCA gene gave me something positive to look forward to! HAHA! So I am very hopeful that this pill will work on me. Please say prayers for me that it will. The doctor told me that if it does work, it could possibly buy me 6-9 more months and then when it quits working, back to the chemo room for hopefully more time. Side effects seem to be, from people I have talked to that are taking it, exhaustion and some nausea, but I'm hoping for minimal side effects. But, if I have to have side effects and it works, I'll take it.... anything to extend my life, hopefully long enough for someone to discover a cure! 

 Thank you to all of you who are supporting me any any way and my prayer warriors! Please keep me on your prayers lists indefinitely, as this is just one battle won in this moment in time with a very long  (hopefully) war ahead! Much love to all of you!

With Friends Like These....

 ....  You'll NEVER Feel Sad or Lonely!  They say people come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime, but I'd like to add Forever to that statement.  This post is dedicated to my Forevers! You know who you are! 💓  I will love you all Forever! 

Most people are lucky if they have one or two Forever best friends; And I know that I have at least 5, if not a few more than that! But I have been BFF's with this particular group of beautiful amazing smart sexy women for at least 40 years.  We are truly blessed to have each other! And our Fabulous Five Oh trip was the biggest blessing that not only I needed, but I feel like in everyone's own ways all needed this trip badly.  We were talking one evening and all of us said it should not have taken one of us getting a terminal diagnosis to have made this trip happen.  But as everyone knows, life gets in the way and before you know it we're all fifty and STILL fabulous.  Terminal or not I am so happy we got to take this trip.  I love you ladies.... Forever!  

I started out my trip last Wednesday morning on a shuttle to St. Louis to catch my airplane into Tampa. I have never traveled alone, so was a little nervous, but I knew it was going to be great when the bus driver started playing the Eagles live during our drive.  Ironically the last time I traveled was a girls trip to Vegas in October 2019 to see the Eagles live in concert.  I never ever take a shuttle, but mom was a little worried about me driving alone to St. Louis, since my chemo has caused some dizzy spells lately.  So I relented and took the bus.  And that music was my way of knowing this was what I was supposed to do.  

Had an easy great ride to the airport and an easy flight as well.  My driver was waiting for me in Tampa to take me to, what I could only describe as a mansion on the beach.  We pulled up and I was in awe before I could even get into the giant house! One of my wonderful friends, Tara, had found us this house and booked it for us.  As I went inside and explored the three levels of pure beauty, I thought I might be in a dream.  I have never been in a house like this, let alone stay in one for 5 days!  It had 3 levels with a freakin elevator ya'll.  Craziness!  Each of us had our own bedroom, bathroom, and balcony and the bottom level was a giant pool and hot tub and patio.  At one point while exploring I thought I must be dreaming, for reals!  I arrived about 6 hours before the rest of the gang, so I changed out of my Missouri clothes and into my Treasure Island clothes and down the beach I went for my daily walk and then grabbed some dinner at my favorite beach restaurant, Caddys.  Then back to the "mansion" for a little Netflix and down time before the girls arrived.  I was pretty wiped out from the all day travel session.  The girls made it in around 11 and we stayed up talking until 2 a.m.  Something I haven't done in YEARS!!  Then off to bed where I left my balcony door open so I could hear the sounds of the ocean all night long.  Best sleep I've had in at least 3 years or more!  There is absolutely nothing more soothing than sleeping to that sound, in my opinion.  

Day number two started off with a short walk to breakfast and a walk on the beach.  My typical Treasure Island routine.  Then headed out for our Tiki Bar water tour.  Another thoughtful gift by a new friend on the island.  We loaded up the vessel and headed out into the bay.  We saw an amazing display of dolphins dancing right around our boat.  It was magical and beautiful.  Had a great lunch at a cool brewery and the rest of the day/night we just sat around our pool and hot tub telling stories, gossiping and just getting caught up on each other's lives.  It had been so long since we had all taken time out of our busy schedules to do this and I truly believe we all needed this trip badly!     

Day three was more of the same; breakfast and beach walk in the morning and talking and gossiping around the pool in the afternoon.  I  had a huge surprise for the girls for this night.  I hired a professional photographer to do a sunset photo shoot for us to always remember this trip.  We all got dressed up and headed out for a nice fancy seafood dinner, which was delicious.  We then met our guy for our photo shoot.  There are no words to describe how fun it was.  We laughed and hugged and maybe shed  few tears.  I cannot wait to get the final copies, as I know they are going to be something to be cherished forever by all of us.  As we were coming to the end of our shoot something so exciting happened; two manatees came up near the shore and were "getting it on" during our photo shoot.  Our photographer went out into the water waist deep and began shooting the giant creatures and the end results were some beautiful photos of these animals with the pink sky in the background.  He said he had never seen anything like that before and I think he was as excited as we all were to witness such beauty.  Definitely a divine intervention.  I think God put them there for a reason, for us to see the beauty in everything around us.  The most ironic thing about this moment was that an hour before the photo shoot began it looked like clouds were rolling in and it might rain.   He called me and asked if we wanted to cancel and try another night.  But I said no let's go for it.  I know now I was meant to keep that scheduled as the sunset was absolutely gorgeous after all and the manatees were there for us.  

The rest of the trip was more eating, talking, hugging, crying and supporting each other as everyone has things going on in their lives that we, as women, feel like we have to be strong and not talk about.  That it may somehow make us weak or too vulnerable.  But we all let it all out this week and I believe we all helped each other even if it was in the smallest ways.  I truly believe these girls are my soul mates and we will always be together no matter how near or far we are from each other.  The love we have is something that most people never get to experience in their lives and for that I feel like the most lucky girl in the world!  

Back to reality though after an AMAZING girls trip!  Irony at it's best....  We left beautiful white powder that makes people happy and joyful and woke up Tuesday morning to the kind of white powder that makes people grumpy and irritated.... Especially at the end of April.  Are you kidding me right now.  Thanks mother nature for your cruel joke! LOL  

Then yesterday was back in the chemo chair.  You never know what the blood counts are going to do, but I was feeling lucky after my trip and blood counts allowed the chemo.  Once again thanks to God's grace.  I think this trip and all the love I received from the girls has given me the strength to push onward and to face whatever challenges hold for me in the next few months.  The game plan right now is to finish this chemo (#12) and then I am scheduled to have a PET scan on the 4th and will find out on the 5th of May if the chemo is still working and continuing to shrink the tumors.  The hope and prayers are that there are no new tumors anywhere, and that the current ones have shrunk some more or at least have remained stable.  If so, we will talk about a new regimen and to possibly give me a break from this harsh chemo.  So please be saying some big time prayers for me that this is the case and I get a good report on the 5th!  Thank you to all my prayer warriors who continue to support and encourage me.  You are what gets me through this journey with a positive outlook and attitude!  Love to all!  Hopefully will be updating in a few weeks with some good stuff to report! 

February......

 A single person's nightmare.  The universe's big middle finger to single people everywhere.  Everywhere you look there are ads for love and what you must buy to keep that love or win a new love.  We are inundated with it from February 1 until the 14th.  The big romantic day.  

On the rare occasion that I have been single on VD, and this is by no means me bragging, but a testimony to my co-dependency issues I've had my whole life apparently, which was not brought to my attention until my most recent break up with my fiancé, two years ago.  I realized that most of my life I have had a relationship of some kind, jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend, never really letting myself be alone and learning anything about "ME"!  

This will be my second year that I am one of those single people getting the big F you today by all the adorable people "in love".  But I am okay.  For the first time in my life I have been single for almost two years now.  And guess what?  I am OK!  It's in your darkest moments that you truly learn who you are and what you are capable of.  

In the past, the only way you would know about the lucky ones getting valentines were three ways.  Yes for all you yougins out there, we did not have social media back in the day.  So we found out things the old fashioned ways.  One.... the small town rumor mill.  "Did you know that Johnny got Sally flowers for Valentines day"?  "That rat bastard, he said he was my valentine"! LOL....   Two.... as we got older, and had jobs in an office, the entourage of people being called to the lobby to get their obligatory flowers from the husbands and boyfriends who obviously had no romantic spirit or creative minds, streamed through the halls all day long. All the while you sat and watched as the desks filled up around you while yours stood empty.   Three.... the phone call from your BFFs, whom you are genuinely happy for when they call to say the guy they've been crushing on just stopped by with gifts, but at the same time, jealous as hell!  haha!  But now we have social media and it is in your face 24/7 from 2/1 thru 2/14.  Today I will be taking the social media break.  Why fuel the already irritated fire, right?  

As stated above I've had my share of valentines, so I do not feel like I'm missing out on much.  It's just another reminder to me today that I have probably had my last love affair.  My last love was probably my last love.  I have come to accept the fact that the market out there for a single gal in her late 40's who is terminally ill probably isn't that great.  And that's okay.  I do get sad about it some days, but I have dealt with that demon and have put it to rest.  Love comes in many ways and the love that has been showered over me these last 3 months has been nothing short of amazing.  I plan on living out my days here on earth loving and living it up with the people who truly love and care for me, and that will be my biggest blessing.  

And I have had 3 great romantic loves in my life.  Ones that were truly amazing and that I will cherish the rest of my life.  I feel very fortunate to say that, as some people never really find that one true love and I've had three! How lucky am I?  Very fortunate I would say.  

But the BEST part of my life and the best part of February is the fact that the greatest and most amazing love of my life happened in this month.  God gave me my son in February, so that no matter what, I will always have a valentine and love! I believe this was done with God's purpose.  I hadn't seen my boy since Christmas due to covid complications, but this last Tuesday I got to get out of the house and take my boy for a birthday dinner.  It was the BEST night I have had since Christmas, as every time I get to spend any time with him is what keeps me going and fighting this uphill battle with the beast! And as long as I have him and his love I'll keep on fighting! 

Also this last week I had my first scan since my diagnosis and it was not bad.  It showed reduction in the main pancreas tumor and the liver tumors remained stable with no further spread!!  It seems the chemo may be working and can buy me some more time on this precious earth with the people I LOVE!  I will continue with this chemo as long as I can handle it for at least 3 more months.  So right now we have a game plan.  I truly believe it is with all of your prayers and the blessings of medical science that is making this possible and would ask that you keep me in your prayers.  On this Sunday Valentines day, that is the best way to show LOVE for someone.  Pray for them if you know they are in need and have a burden.  

And how could I forget my furbabies, one who was also born in February as well.  Born on February 13, another furever Valentine blessing, my sweet 3 year old Golden, Auggie.  And my loyal little Yorkie Poo who is 10 years old, Sophie.  Lord have mercy there is not better and greater love and devotion than those babies.  They sure have been life savers over the last 3 years especially.  

So it seems as though cupid has missed his mark with me again this year, I think he actually hit the nail right on the head and brought me the best valentines week I could possibly have with getting to spend time with my son and a good scan report and thousands of people praying for me daily, I'll take that over some flowers and candy any ole day!  

And my wonderful sister knew it would be a day without any valentine spirit so she sent me a WHOLE box full of fun from Springfield that mom and I can dig into.  Maybe I'll even model my valentine outfit late for ya'll.  LOL  Meanwhile I'll be on the couch in my PJ's and eating my box of candies from my sissy and watching my most favorite Valentine movie....  Valentines Day, of course.  The scene where she beats the shit out of the piñata NEVER gets old!  LMAO

Happy Valentines Day everyone and I hope you find your LOVE, however it may come to you today and keep them prayers coming! 

Irony and Inauguration

 I know my irritation of  people and their taking for granted their lives gets old at times as I voice my irritations, but I'm just trying to open people's eyes before it's too late.  I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass, although I know I'm good at that at times haha!  I only have recently figured it out myself.  

Three years ago today I was getting ready to chop my boobies off.  I had also chosen to not have any kind of reconstruction, as a mastectomy and reconstruction is not the boob job most people think it is.  I knew the risks involved; recurrent cancer hiding below the implant going undetected, your body rejecting the implants, many surgeries and possible infections galore, and if the skin is so thin the implant can actually bust through the skin at any time.  Therefore, I chose no boobies.  I was devastated.  Thought it was possibly the worst day of my life.  I was losing part of my womanhood.  And it took me a few years to accept my new body.  And life went on.  

Ironically, one year ago today I lost the last of my hair from the toxic chemo that I was taking for my breast cancer recurrence.  Now I was boobless and yes, bald as a baby's ass, and my fiance of 7 years had just left me for another woman.  And again I was devastated and thought it was the worst thing in the world and life couldn't get any worse.  But I got used to my bald head and wearing my turban hats and once again life went on.  I healed and bought a Jeep and was ready to live my new life.  Thankful for a third chance and forever changed by what I had been through over the last two years.  

Today we ushered in a new President of the United States.  Half of my friends and family on Facebook and in my own house spent the day bitter and still convinced the election was stolen and spewed hatred and hateful comments.  The other half were elated and happy and thrilled with today's pomp and circumstance and pagentry.  The statements "not my president", "we're doomed", "just wait and see" were just a few of the non-positive statements I saw.  I was actually absolutely amused as these same statements came out of the mouths of the elated and thrilled folks just four short years ago and they were ridiculed then for making these statements, yet here they were doing the same.  You see folks were all alike.  We are all human.  And most importantly what makes us all unique is our ability to think for ourselves and form our own opinions.  And what makes us adults is being able to have conversations and thoughts without hatred.  And let's all be totally honest EVERY SINGLE politician has been groomed and are all basically the same at the level we ushered in today.  They don't give a rats ass about you, only their popularity and wallets.  The results are not going to affect your every day life.  As witnessed through this pandemic, you should be more worried about your local government and their power as they are the ones calling the shots in each state, not the big dogs in Washington, who again, could give a rats ass about you.  

I only make the above statement because there was so much energy over the last few months regarding the above.  Energy you could have been focusing on your family and friends.  Forming new bonds.  Volunteering.  Doing your part to make the little part of your world a better place and spreading love and friendship instead of mean and hateful things towards people who think a feel differently than you.  

Here's the punch line folks......... There is absolutely NOTHING that bad to cause such stress and rifts between friends and families, nothing......... EXCEPT when the doctor walks into that office and says I'm sorry there's not a cure for this.  You have 3-6 months to live and you should get your things in order.  Now that there is what I call a shitty devastating life altering day.  Everything else is just distractions and stress causing bumps in the road.  One of my high school best friends ex was diagnosed this weekend with my exact diagnosis.  He still has two teenage boys at home and works in the restaurant industry.  Please add him to your prayer list as well.  This disease is beginning to attack younger and younger people and the doctors are baffled at the alarming rate.  It makes me so angry sometimes.  I watch older people on TV and on Facebook and I cry and get angry and say why me and it's not fair.  But as we all know, life is definitely not fair! 

Today is the anniversary of an amazing friend who lost his son in a car wreck 8 years ago today.  He was getting ready to graduate from high school.  Life is short.  And not fair.  This folks is life changing.  Not an election and a new President.  

So tonight, try to go to bed with a forgiving and renewed heart and give this new administration a chance and try to share and post less items that haven't came from your beautiful minds! And pray you never have to experience what really is the worst thing that can possibly happen to you.  I feel ashamed for some of my friends who have focused so much energy on worrying about this that it has affected their mental health and how they are functioning in life.  It has taken away their happiness.  I pray our country can start healing and everyone goes into the next year with positive thoughts and forgiveness.  Spend more time with your families and friends and less time worrying about what the big rich ass holes in Washington are doing because they sure as hell are not worrying about you! 

I say a prayer every day for our country to heal and for God to grant me a miracle of health and extended life.  I would welcome everyone to join me in these prayers and I would feel blessed to have any and all of the prayers! 

Just remember without your health you have absolutely nothing, please take care of yourselves out there my wonderful prayer warriors!  

Terminal in Coronaville

 While most people are celebrating at home this year with small gatherings due to the pandemic and they are celebrating the fact that 2020 is going out the door and 2021 is being welcomed in with open arms with a new hope of the upcoming year to be much better than the past year, there is a small community of us that are not quite as excited about rolling over into a new year.  

You see there is a group of terminally ill folks around the world that, in the last few months, have been given an expiration date that will more than likely, unless God intervenes and gives us a miracle, happen to us in 2021.  I was reading a post today from another pancreatic cancer fighter and she posted something close to my thoughts above and it finally hit me why I was so angry about this day and all of the happy new year wishes and posts today.   I too have been given an expiration date that is supposed to happen in 2021.  So if I've been a little grumpy, sad or aloof these past few weeks, this is the reason.  And while I will never give up and wholly plan on being here to welcome in 2022 next year, I am very aware of the statistics and the giant deck stacked against me.  So I have foregone the NYE celebrations or TV shows or anything associated with welcoming in a new year that may take my life.  Instead mom and I watched Christmas Vacation and forgot it was the new year as much as we could.  

The double edged sword of this diagnosis in the middle of a pandemic is horrible.  While, in the past, when someone had been given a terminal diagnosis they were able to travel, go to dinner with friends, visit friends and family and live out their last days checking their bucket lists and surrounded by their families.  But in the middle of a pandemic, none of that is possible.  Instead it is a very lonely and sad existence.  So while tonight, if it was not the middle of Coronaville, I might be out with friends at least celebrating what may possibly be my last new years eve and doing it up right with my friends and family.  This pandemic is ruining what could be the last days of my life and things I want to accomplish before I leave this earth.  I guess in a way it will push me even harder to fight to stay alive to see another Birthday, Christmas and NYE and celebrate these milestones with a bang! Hopefully soon Coronaville will be a thing of the past and I can start checking that bucket list off!  

For now, I will be working, and going to chemo and praying 100x a day for a miracle.  And praying that Covid calms down so I can go to the beach with my family and friends and something even as small as going to diner with family and friends.  

I dreaded Christmas for weeks.  Cried daily thinking it could be my last.  But I prayed to God to give me peace and calmness to enjoy Christmas without worry of it being my last one.  My prayers must have worked because Christmas with my family gave me a new strength I needed to get through a few more months. I needed that gathering of all of us and love and happiness.  Something I haven't felt in months.  I was truly blessed to be with all of them this year.  I took a chance on Covid and thank goodness it looks like it paid off and all is well with my family.  I am so glad that I did.  

Monday I will have a very important call with an Oncologist from the Mayo Clinic and praying he will agree to take me on as a patient.  Hopefully I will be traveling to Rochester at some point in the next couple of months.  I believe that will give me the best chance at trials and a lot more expertise as well.  So Monday will be a big day for me for sure! 

In four short months it will be spring and I pray I am thriving and I can start to get back outdoors with friends and family for dinners, walks in the park, and just enjoying life outside, even if Covid is still here.  Hopefully I am too! 

For now I am blessed to have all of my prayer warriors and people who love and care about me.  Please do not stop the prayers because I believe that will be my way toward beating this ugly beast and hopefully will buy me some more years on this earth! Love you all! 

Let's Add Some Purple.... Why Not?

 Teal, Pink, and now some Purple added to my ribbon collection.  Definitely not the kind of collection I would wish upon anyone, but someone's gotta take it on huh?  So I guess that's me in the great world of statistics.  I get to be the 1 in ....  whatever number each of those ribbons represents.  I've finally quit asking why me, because there just isn't an explanation anyone can give.  Instead I've accepted this is my fate and my path and realize it is all out of my hands and what will be, will be.  

It has taken me almost a month to update and actually put these words into writing.  I'm pretty sure I'm still actually in shock, but each day it becomes more of a reality and I think I'm finally ready to at least make it official and to vent a little bit.  This is the first step of my acceptance of what is surely to be my final battle with the ugly "C" word.  I have to wonder why they make pancreatic cancer a pretty color like purple?  Although honestly I've never liked purple.  Probably has something to do with a little PTSD from the hours upon hours of non-stop Barney cartoons when Britton was a little guy.  Oh Lord I could recite every word to every Barney episode there was back in the day LOL  Anyways, I think the pancreatic ribbon should be coal black.  It is the most aggressive awful cancer with no chance of a cure.  Most of the other cancers out there you have a little bit of a shot of possibly getting better, but when the doctor utters the words pancreatic cancer, statistics say you have been given a death sentence.  And thus far, I haven't read or heard many stories to the contrary.  

Most of you know, along with battling breast cancer over the last 3 years, for the last 2.5 of those years I have also battled what, at the time, was told to me was chronic pancreatitis.  From my first attack in July of 2018, I have never felt that they had this diagnosis right.  Something was off.  But with trying to battle through the breast cancers and dealing with the loss of my fiance leaving me, I put this feeling on the back burner.  I did, however, seek out what I thought through all of my research, was a top pancreas doctor in Missouri who also dealt with BRCA genes.  I felt very lucky I was able to get into him and put my full trust and faith in this man to treat me very aggressively and closely since BRCA has a high risk for pancreatic cancer also.  I have had many MRI's in STL and they have always been the same diagnosis.... chronic pancreatitis, nothing more.  This specialist was supposed to be watching and taking care of me.  And I didn't ever question him.  This is where I went wrong.  I should have pushed harder, sought out other opinions, made sure he was following through.  I did none of this because I put my faith in this man to do his job, that he did not do.  His name is Dr. Jason Taylor and please do not ever see this man, as I believe he is the cause of what will surely eventually be my demise.  

In September I had another acute pancreatitis attack and could not get into my STL doctor.  Desperate for more answers I made an appointment with a GI doctor I had seen before here in Columbia.  I got an appointment 2 weeks later.   He immediately ordered an EUS scope and colonoscopy, things the STL doctor should have done a year ago, as there had been a mass in my pancreas for at least that long, which had shown on all of the MRI's the Columbia doctor received from STL.  I went in on the 30th of October for my EUS scope.  During this procedure they put a scope down your throat to view the back side of the pancreas.  Then if need be, they do what is called an ECRP, which is a more detailed scan of the pancreas.  And if they see something suspicious, they then attach a needle to the scope and go through your stomach from the inside and into your pancreas and take a biopsy of the suspicious area.  Unfortunately this is the procedural route that was taken with me that day.  When I woke up from the procedure, Dr. Halsey was standing over my bed with a look I'd seen before and I knew before he even spoke what was suspected.  He told me had to do the ECRP and took a biopsy and it did not look good.  Believed it would come back as cancer.  I could not believe it.  This doctor in STL that was supposed to be the best, that was supposed to be watching me so very close, had never, not once indicated anything remotely resembling what he thought was cancer, even though each time I saw him I asked him, "so you do not think I should be worried that anything could be cancerous".  His answer was always no.  I should have pushed harder.  I should have sought other opinions.  So for the next 3 days I prayed and prayed thinking there is no way this could be cancer, the "specialist" told me no way.  But I received the call and was told that it was pancreatic cancer and immediately had an appointment with my oncologist and a pancreatic oncology surgeon, as they thought if it had not spread I would be a good candidate for surgery to remove the tail of my pancreas and spleen and we would just move on with our life.  So not a great prognosis, but at that time at least a cure.  The big thing is that it HAD to not have spread, which we were all very positive and hopeful because the idiot in STL had just done an MRI in August.... YES August, and there were no indications of cancer anywhere else at that time.  So I went in for an MRI, CT scan and oncologist visit that next Friday, feeling pretty good that they would find nothing else, since my MRI in August had been clear.  Unfortunately the news was awful and it had indeed spread to my liver over those short 3 months.  Again, just 3 short months before folks, I could have been saved, had this "specialist", the best, would have questioned what was clearly a mass in my pancreas on the MRI in August!!!  Three months....  So that was when the words, which still ring in my ears, that I am still pretty sure I am in partial denial about, were spoken.  Terminal.  3-6 months.  We put a game plan together and I was to get a PET scan to make sure that it had not spread anywhere else and would start chemo that same day as the PET scan which was the next Wednesday.  

Wednesday came and the PET scan was done and unfortunately it showed a few more spots than just the one on my liver.  But thank goodness no where else.  A very small victory, but a victory none the less.  Then over to the chemo room to begin a new regimine of chemo.  This chemo, as I was told by my oncologist, is so toxic that just the toxicity sometimes kills patients, some patients actually shit themselves to death, and some patients just cannot tolerate it or it just does not work at all on the tumors.  So we started off with our first round at half dose, just to make sure I wasn't allergic and could tolerate the half dose before going all in.  The first 4 chemos are given at the center and this process takes 6 hours.  Thanks to covid, we are there alone as you cannot have someone with you right now.  6 hours is a long time to be in a chemo chair alone.  Then the 5th chemo is given through a machine and pump hooked up to your port in which you wear home and for 48 hours it pumps that chemo into you.  Then two days later you go back to have it removed.  This is when I got pretty sick and felt pretty awful for about 5 days.  But today I am feeling pretty good and in fact the last two days I felt well enough to take my beautiful babies to the park and let them run and just enjoy watching their joy at mom feeling well enough to be at the park with her and enjoying the beautiful weather. I was only for 30 minutes, but a small victory these days.  These days I will cherish.  

Wednesday I will go for my second dose of the new chemo at full force.  Not gonna lie pretty nervous and scared.  Happy Thanksgiving to me huh?  haha....  Praying for little side effects! Wednesday I will also meet my new oncologist as my current one who has been with me through all of my journeys thus far is retiring and his last day is Tuesday.  I am devastated.  He was the best and most caring and I am going to miss him greatly and my oncology nurse, who also left, greatly.  I am praying for a good match and that I love my new one just as much! I am also praying this new oncologist will fight with me and know that I am not willing to accept the words 3-6.  And I am going to fight like hell and I am going to need someone who is willing to go into this battle with me to do so and help me navigate all options to be able to fight.  Because 3-6 just doesn't work for me! 

This morning I prayed harder than I've ever prayed, for at least one year.  One year to get to see each season one more time.  One year to take in everything in a new and more observant view of what is important.  One more year to bond with people and nature and to just embrace every moment.  One year to see a sunset on the beach one  more time.  Because 3-6 just isn't acceptable! 

So there you have it.  I've put it in writing.  It's now real and my first step to acceptance.  

I would ask for anyone and everyone to please pray that same prayer for me, add me to prayer chains, church lists, and share my story.  Please, please, if you feel like something isn't quite right listen to your body and fight like hell to make these doctors listen to you.  Keep looking until you find one that will.  I wish that I had! 

Pinktober = PTSD

Well here we are again. October. Breast cancer awareness month. Where everywhere you look you cannot escape those damn pink ribbons, pink shirts, pink ads.  EVERYTHING pink.  And while, to an outsider, someone who has not had first hand experience of the nightmare that is breast cancer, the pink overload may seem like just a sweet gesture to honor those of us who have had to endure pure hell.  I know some beautiful warriors embrace the pink.  But I know of a lot more that start getting PTSD the closer October gets every year.  We cannot look anywhere for a whole month without being reminded of our nightmare.  I am one of those people.  My Facebook feed is full of every other ad showing something to buy that pertains to breast cancer.  Every where you go shopping there are signs and displays to remind you of that time in your life when you wasn't sure if you would be alive in a year. A time in your life you would love to never be reminded of again. 

For me, a now 2x survivor, it only enhances my PTSD.  Also both of my diagnosis came in November, two years apart, so in general this time of year is very hard on me.  And then to look around every corner of my life and see the pink shit thrown in my face, almost as if taunting me.  You beat me twice.... think you can do it again?  That is my daily demon.  Will it come back again.  If so, the odds of beating it that 3rd time are not real great.  Of course this time they said they got it.... again.  Just as I was told they got it all three years ago as well.  So you just never fucking know.  And this, my friends, is the reality of a breast cancer survivor.  Not pink ribbons, bright shiny happy colors, or anything that resembles any sort of fun. 

Breast cancer survivors have been through more surgeries than most people have in a lifetime.  We have been ran through every scan machine and have sat in more doctor's offices than we care to count.  Sitting there praying to God that the cancer is gone, or hasn't spread, or just isn't there at all.  We have had multiple poisons put into our bodies to kill the cancer and hope that it doesn't also kill us in the process.  We have been burnt so deeply that more than likely there is some type of permanent damage to the bones, skin, heart, or other organs, along with the massive nerve pain that may never resolve.   We have lost our hair, our breasts, and in some cases our reproductive parts as well, due to our cancer being hormone fed.  Thus the need to remove anything in our bodies that could possibly produce hormones to feed the beast. 

This October for me has been extremely hard.  With the combination of just finishing up treatments for my second battle in the midst of Covid, while getting sober, it has been the loneliness time in my entire life.  I now, for the first time in my life understand people who feel hopeless and alone and like no one cares or understands.  I am living it.  I am very thankful for my mom and my sister.  And I get it.  People have their own lives. As we grow older, people have their husbands and children to rely on. Most people's friends are now their spouses and children. Friends are for people in their 20's and 30's.   I neglected my relationships and family a lot in my life to nurture friendships when I should have been doing the opposite and I may not be alone now  This is a lesson I have learned the hard way and now I have to learn how to make a new life for myself.  And I know now what relationships are worth nurturing.  Life is hard right now.  I live alone, I work alone, sobriety voids a lot of friendships and invitations, although I am okay around alcohol, it seems to make other people uncomfortable. And you add Covid to the mix and it's a perfect storm. I know it will get better.  But I also know that I am going to have to make some hard decisions and changes. 

I left town two weeks ago to just get away.  Off the grid and a much needed change of scenery.  I just returned home and I realized I only missed my big bed and TV in the bedroom LMAO!  There was absolutely not another thing that I missed in two weeks about this town.  This tells me I am ready to move on.  Being here seems to no longer benefit my mental health.  There are a few things that were holding me here.  One was my oncologist that I love.  I returned home to a letter in the mail  stating that my oncologist is retiring at the end of November.  As if 2020 wasn't bad enough, I'm now losing my one doctor I had full faith in.  So staying for my oncologist is now not an obstacle.  My last obstacle is of course the most important, my job.  But I have been working from home for almost a year now with no problems at all. Hopefully that may continue to be an option for me.  But right now those are still conversations that will need to be had if I truly decide it's time to move.

So 13 more days of  Pink PTSD and we can move on to the holidays, which is usually a whole another type of PTSD. LOL  But thankfully, not this year!  The whole fam bam will be on the beach this year for Christmas and I couldn't be more excited for a real vacation!

ISN’T IT IRONIC…. FULL CIRCLE… AGAIN??

Gosh, it seems like forever ago since I was told I could stop chemo early and begin radiation.  And since I was told I was exposed directly to the Rona.  Yet it has only been a month and a half!  This quarantine routine is definitely making me insane.  You guys know I’m a very social being and it’s taken all of my strength to obey the rules.  But I would rather be insane in my house than sick with the Rona, since my immune system is still compromised, so I stay put!

Before I began my radiation treatments, I was approved to go ahead and have a Corona test to make sure I didn’t have it before starting radiation. So yep, I’ve had the brain tickler.  Haha!  I am happy to say I was negative and I began my radiation treatments on March 30^th.   Every week day for the last 5 weeks I have ventured to the cancer center to receive daily radiation on a very large portion of the left side of my upper body.  I find it hilarious that throughout my whole adult life I have avoided the sun, slathered sunscreen on my body like a psycho, to make sure I didn’t get burnt and increase my risk of skin cancer.  But here I am, yes, now I’m volunteering to have my body burnt to a crisp, all in the name of trying to make sure the cancer stays away from me this time!!  Craziness I tell ya!   And true to everyone’s account of their experience with radiation, it wiped me out.  I am so exhausted with fatigue by about 5:00 I cannot hardly remove my ass from the recliner.  The burns started out minimal.  And I thought well hell this isn’t that bad.  Haha, I know better than that right?  The 4^th week I began to really burn and blister pretty good.  And yes here I am week number 5.  My final treatment day is tomorrow!!!  My skin started falling off of my chest on Monday in layers.  Needless to say this is VERY painful and without the pain meds and salve I don’t think I probably would have made it through!  But here I am!  They did say it would take a few weeks to a month to recover from the radiation and for my burns to heal, but ONE more and I am DONE!  Time to get my immune system, body and routine back to some sort of normalcy!

Here is where the irony of it all begins.  Almost two years to tomorrow's release date, I was released by my oncologist after my first battle.  I had had multiple surgeries, biopsies, tests, blood draws, and had finally been deemed cancer free with a 3% chance of recurrence.  I was released, after 5 months of hell, back into my “normal” life and was told to go live.  That it was gone.  And after a few months, I was indeed easing back into my “new normal” and starting to get comfortable.  I was living life to the fullest. 

Irony Part Deux….  This coming Tuesday it will be exactly one year since my life fell apart in the worst way and the future I had planned died.  After surviving cancer and finally feeling like I was getting my life back on track, my fiancé left me for someone else.  I was heartbroken like never before.  My heart was shattered into a million pieces.  Some days it feels like it was 100 years ago and some days it still seems like it was just yesterday.  I really cannot believe it has already been a year.  The first few months were horrible and I thought I may never recover.  But the days turned into months and I was finally starting to feel like I might be ready to jump back into that old dating cesspool that all of us single people know it to be LOL….  But instead I got a fun surprise and found out that my cancer had returned, yes almost two years to the date of the last diagnosis.  So dating and living had to be put on hold again and I had to return to fighting for my life. 

Throughout this new cancer journey over the last 6 months of hell, I have found strength in myself I never knew was there.  I had to reach inward and pull parts of myself out that had been hidden away from even me.  I am still dealing with my heartbreak, but I am a lot better now than I was a year ago.  I am also dealing with insecurities with myself regarding my body, my looks, and who I am, as well as my alcoholism.   I now, however, have a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  Although I may forever anticipate and be a little afraid of the months of May and November haha!    

So maybe tomorrow when I walk out of that cancer center (sore as fuck LOL) at 3:30 and I am once again thrust back out into the world with my next “new normal”, I will have FINALLY come full circle on this long and painful journey towards finding me.  I have learned so much about myself over the last two years.  Maybe this was God’s way of helping me to find my pathway to peace through all of the pain, heartache, and trials and tribulations that I have faced.  And with any luck, maybe my voodoo doll holder has been killed and my next blog entry will be about dating and love or dating disasters, anything but stupid CANCER!  Watch out boys.... the next blog may be about you!  LOL!!

Early Parole..... But Wait... There's More...

As I sit here this afternoon, 11 days into my self quarantine routine, still trying to process everything that has went on in my life in just one short week.  It's amazing when you're sick and going through a lengthy illness how things can change so quickly day by day, making your life impossible to live normally for any length of time.  It has taken me several days to try to process everything that has happened this week to even give an update, as I am still not sure how I am feeling about it all.

When I last wrote, I was getting ready to start my new round of a different kind of chemo.  A new drug with, what I was told to be a piece of cake, compared to what I had just gone through.  Told there shouldn't be many side effects and I should just breeze through those 12 weeks.  HaHaHa… for those of you who have followed my whole two year journey on here, you know those words were too good to be true.  FYI... Voodoo doll holder still on Kristy's Most Wanted list!  LOL

Week number one - New chemo, new routine.  Basically I added to my prior routine tons of steroids 6 and 12 hours prior to my infusion and I had to now soak my fingers and toes in ice baths during the infusion.  The ice baths are to help prevent something called neuropathy, which basically is a painful numbing sensation in your hands and feet that could possibly last forever.  I was told the ice baths prevented this.  Therefore, I was willing to do anything if it might help.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I am cold ALL OF THE TIME, so the ice bath procedure was not a pleasant thing for me. With this particular chemo you could have an allergic reaction where your body turns hot and your head looks like a tomato.  They said if it was going to happen it would happen within the first 15 minutes of the first infusion.  So they hooked me up and away we went.  Waiting for my head to turn red.  But all went well and out the door we went.  Looks like this would be okay.  I'm not going to react.  Thank goodness.  Side effects with this infusion turned out to be just very tired and the most awful upper GI pain ever.  Felt like my esophagus down was raw.  I took OTC and prescription anti acids with zero relief.  But all in all it seemed like it was going to be no where near as bad as the other chemo regimine.  

Week number two - Normal chemo morning routine.  No pre-meds this time since I didn't have a reaction.  Pack my ice booties and trays, put on my port numbing cream and off we go.  Check in... $20 bucks lol lol.  Then to the lab.  Then to see the oncologist to go over blood work.  White counts were extremely low but not low enough to postpone the infusion, so off to the chemo room we went.  Everyone on the same page, if you were going to have an allergic reaction it would be with your first infusion so you should be good to go.  Hahahaha! About 15 minutes into this infusion I looked at my sister and said "I feel funny".  She looked at me and yelled for the nurses.  All three of them came running over and started pumping shit into me to calm the reaction.  Apparently my head looked like one of those cartoon characters where it turns so red and then explodes.  Awesomeness!!  The nurses quickly got the reaction under control and I was able to do the rest of the infusion without any further issues.  At home during the week side effects were basically the same, extreme exhaustion and the GI issues.

Week number three - Due to the allergic reaction the week before I had to take the pre-meds again as I did during week one.  So basically this week was pretty much the same as week one.  All went well and had my infusion without any issues and was home resting well that evening.  The key word to that sentence is WAS...  haha...  I was sitting on the couch and all of a sudden I felt that same hot feeling I had felt when I had the allergic reaction the week before.  I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and my face was as red as a tomato.  I called the cancer center after hours number and was told to head immediately to the ER.  Have any of you been to the ER at 9:00 at night.  Just that itself is a nightmare, but now add tons of sick people everywhere waiting, which we now know was the beginning of COVID-19.  These people were SICK!  Some of them sitting in the waiting room with oxygen.  I'm sure they were COVID positive but of course then the US wasn't worried about it that much.  I did ask the nurse if these people were being tested for Covid…  she just laughed and said "There are no tests".  This was just two weeks ago folks.  Things have escalated quickly.  But those tests should have been here way before they were!!!  And I had to sit in the waiting room for three, yes three, hours with these people with my compromised immune system from the chemo.  Thank God none of us caught anything from there.  It really is a miracle.  I finally got called into a room and was given tons of steroids, Benadryl, and something to help me sleep and off we went... 3 hours later.  That was a very long night!

Now here's where things get real fun.  On Thursday of that week my doctor's office called and cancelled my normal Monday infusion.  Said that my doctor wanted to see me regarding the allergic reactions.  And scheduled me for Wednesday of last week.  My doctor had been to Africa on a safari and was due back in on Wednesday.  I figured they were going to switch me to a new chemo at that time.

I checked in on Wednesday with my chemo bag and had prepped as if I was getting chemo that day.  Had my labs drawn as usual and then headed back to my doctor's office.  He came in and was masked as a precaution since he had traveled.  He checked my blood work and then we began to discuss the allergic reactions.  Then he said it....  We're done.  No more chemo.  Let's move on to radiation.  I was in shock.  I'd only had 3 and am supposed to have 12.  What if it didn't kill it all.  But I trust my doctor and he assured me that stopping would be okay and that the chemo I had (7 rounds) should be enough.  From that moment until even right now I'm still not sure what to think.  I'm still in shock kind of.  I'm very happy I do not have to have any more chemo, but I'm also terrified I didn't do enough.  But this is where my faith in the higher power and my faith in my doctors will have to guide my fear into acceptance and peace.  I'm still working on that part.  With that being said, I'm done with chemo!!!  Radiation to start in a week.  I will go every single day for 25 days.  I went back to the cancer center last Thursday and got my new tattoos for radiation.  I am now the proud owner of 5 new freckles on my chest to go along with all of my other scars.  They say scars on the body shows how much a person has lived.  Boy have I lived A LOT in the last two years.  I have so many I've lost count!  haha!! So I left the cancer center on Thursday and headed back home to isolation to heal my body as much as I can before we start radiation as my white count was very low on Wednesday, making me more susceptible to all illness, and even more so to this now quickly spreading COVID19.

Saturday afternoon....  vegging on the couch watching TV.  My phone rings.  It's the cancer center.  I could not even imagine why they would be calling and on a Saturday....  It's my oncologist.  My first thought, they changed their minds and I'm going back to chemo.  Ummmm… nope.  He wanted to let me know that he has tested positive for COVID19 and since he had just seen me on Wednesday he had to let me know.  Soooooooooooo…. I am now on COVID19 symptom watch due to direct exposure.  Taking my temperature every hour and every cough I about shit myself praying it's only a cough.  I have a sore throat, but praying that it is just allergies.  You see folks this shit is real.  For those of you that know me... it has now hit close to home.  Stay at home and just veg out and keep the spreading to a minimum people.  I did EVERYTHING I should to not be exposed.  I haven't left my house in 11 days nor have I allowed anyone in.  The only place I went was to the cancer center where they were taking massive precautions, yet here I am sitting, waiting, and freaking out and praying I did not contract it.  Today is day 5.  I have 9 more days and will be in the clear.  Please today say a quick prayer for me and also my doctor and his nurse and anyone else in the office that day!  #shitjustgotreal #rollercoasterride #weekfromhell

Screw Waterboarding.... Give 'em Chemo!

This is what one of my favorite comedians, Karen Mills, once said about her time in the wonderful land of chemo.  And no truer words have ever been spoken!  Strap them SOB's in a chair and fill them with this shit and I guarantee within 48 hours they'll agree to tell you whatever you need to know, just make the pain and nausea stop! haha!

Last time I wrote, I was just 1 round in and my hair had not fallen out yet, but the clumps were coming.  I couldn't really talk chemo because it was so horrible and I was still processing it and how to deal with what was coming.... 15 more rounds....

This morning, I am almost 3 months into my 2nd cancer journey.  Beginning with surgery the day before Thanksgiving, and now am coming out on the other side of my 4th and final round of AC chemo.  I say coming out on the other side, because there is really no other way to describe what happens between infusion day and the day when you finally feel like you may actually live again each time.  My infusions thus far have all been pretty much the same, for that I can be thankful.  At least I know what's coming, right?  Although some days I'd really rather not know.

So let's talk chemo.  How it goes and the process of how I get to where I am this morning every other fucking week....  As I sit here this morning and think about Monday, I could almost start sobbing at the thought.  But I try not to think too far ahead and just take one day at a time, to concentrate on the week ahead in which I will maybe feel halfway human for at least parts of the days during my "rebound" weeks.  These are the middle weeks in between hell.  I try to go have fun and do as much "normal" stuff these weeks as possible without wearing myself out too much.  Four hours is about my limit however.

Infusion day....  Usually goes something like this.  Wake up at around 3:00 a.m. because my mind is already in full panic and insane mode.  Have a little coffee and some pills to start your chemo week regimen.  Play with the dogs and do any last minute chores.  Because you know for the next 5-7 days you will not feel like doing much of anything at all.  Then shower... because again, a shower for a few days is not a feat that will likely not happen.  Hell you can't even get out of bed at some points.  Then from there you put on your port numbing cream and put some saran wrap over it and tape it down with a couple of band aids.  This cream helps to numb your port.  This way when they go to access it with the needle to put your chemo in it won't sting quite as much.  Bet I only forget that shit ONE time!! LOL  Pack your "chemo" bag with all the crap you think you might need for a few hours of fun (blanket, snacks, ginger chews for nausea, Xanax, etc.) And off you head to the cancer center for your infusion day.

Once you arrive at the cancer center you go to the check in desk and pay your $20.  Yes if you've followed me through my whole journey on this blog, you will chuckle at the $20 reference.  When you are sick, you will go broke $20 at a time! LOL  Then you get your folder and head down to room A.  This is the lab where they draw your blood each time to make sure your counts are high enough to even get your infusion that day.  And yes you always pray they are ok because no one wants this shit delayed any longer than necessary and low counts mean at least a week delay most of the time.  I am 4 down and have been lucky so far my counts have not dropped so low that I had to be delayed.  Once the blood has been drawn you take your little folder and head for room B.  This is where they take your vitals and escort you to see your oncologist before infusion.  He will go over your blood work and just check to see how you are feeling.

Once in the exam room, the anxiety ramps up to about a million, as you know the next step is the infusion room.  Everything is a blur and you really don't hear or see anything that is going on.  You are now in infusion mode.  Because once that shit goes into your body, the next week is nothing short of a living hell I would not wish upon ANYONE!!! And at this point you know that is what is coming next.  Most of the time I want to just run out and say fuck it I'm not doing this any more.  But instead I smile and follow my oncology nurse down the hall to the infusion room.  Because well the only other option is in the ground.  And I'm not ready for that yet either!! haha

What happens next over the next few hours is, most of the time, a blur for me.  Yes I am a pussy and need a little happy juice to get over the anxiety hump.  So you pick a chair of your liking and the next nurse comes over and gets your prepped for your rounds.  First is the prick to the port to get access to your veins.  Then comes the saline flush, followed by steroids, and then the good shit, Adivan.  Oh yeah folks, if you haven't tried it out, it's good LOL  Usually after that I'm a little groggy.  The nurse then brings over the "red devil" (yes it is red) in a tube and puts it into you, followed by the 2nd kind of chemo which drips through the bag. And then before you leave they strap the tic tac box of hell onto your arm. Neulasta.  The sheer word makes me wince and cry.  One tip, if you must do chemo, go in the morning.  They usually have some yummy breakfast choices for you!  haha  My sister always gathers me all the snacks and we have a feast hahaha!  After a few hours you're all done and ready to go home.  Or in my case usually, thanks to the Adivan, carried out, but not before a little chemo dance around the infusion room.  LOL  Yes, the Adivan makes me loopy as a drunk girl on prom night.  We be ready to par te'!  haha

Once at home day one is a blur... thank you Adivan for giving me one day of peace! haha.  Day two is the day of waiting.  Sitting around waiting for the fresh hell I know is about to come on day 3-4.  About 17 hours after infusion the tic tac box of hell beeps and at that moment you know the drugs inside of it are pouring into your body and in about 9 hours you will be sicker than you've ever been in your life.  It is a double edged sword, this drug, as it probably prevents you from having to have a blood transfusion, but man it makes you feel like you are dying for two days.  Once the box empties out, my sister then grabs her gloves and proceeds to remove the box from my arm.  Usually it bleeds a little bit from the needle that had been inserted to distribute the medicine. This medicine makes your bones make bone marrow and regenerate white blood cells at a high rate of speed because the chemo they just gave you is killing them all at a high rate of speed.  Generally speaking at about 4a.m. you wake up with what feels like someone beating the shit out of your entire body in your bones and you're so dizzy you cannot open your eyes and moving at all hurts so bad you just want to cry.  You start pumping the nausea pills and pain pills, but they just barely take the edge off.  And for about 48 hours you do not know where you are or how in the hell you're going to actually live to see the next day.

Luckily come about Friday you start to see the light and feel like you may live again.  You head into the rebound week thinking I'm not going back there.  I'm not doing this again.  Fuck it, I'll just die.  But somehow by the next Monday you're always sitting in that damn chair ready for another week of hell.

This coming Monday I will be starting a new round of chemo.  Different from the last four, and what I've been told, easier.  God I pray that is true. Although the side effects sheet they gave me is enough to scare the shit out of anyone and definitely doesn't sound like it's going to be any easier.  This will be 12 rounds every single Monday, so no rebound week.  Three solid months of pumping poison into my body every week so that I can hopefully live a long and happy life.  I sure hope it's worth it and the cancer stays gone for good this time!  I think that is my greatest fear, that I put myself through all of this only for it to return again.  But I believe this is normal and it is most survivor's greatest fear as well, so I know I am not alone.

So Monday here we go, another step closer in being finished with this part of my journey.  I am 1/4 of the way finished and even though I cannot even begin to see the finish line yet, I am one step closer.  One day at a time.

The Trifecta of Hell

Heartbreak.  Alcohol Addiction.  Cancer.

I have been struggling terribly emotionally since my new diagnosis.  I cannot seem to understand why, this time, I have had such a hard time dealing with this latest setback in my life.  Trying to stay positive is getting more difficult for me as I go through this long and painful process.

This week I had a full week alone in my house.  It has been the first time since Thanksgiving I've had the house to myself and it gave me a lot of processing time that I had, up to this point, not had.  I thought it would be wonderful and give me freedom and peace.  Instead, it left me feeling terribly alone and forced me to look at myself and to figure out why I wasn't dealing with all of this positively like I had in the past.  Thursday I had a major mental breakdown and cried for 8 hours straight. I figured a few things out about myself and what was really going on.  This is when I realized I am not just going through a cancer relapse, but I am still grieving the breakup and loss of what I thought was going to be my partner for the rest of my life.  And trying to maneuver this horrible ordeal alone without him this time.  I also realized I am grieving the loss of my go to escape friend, alcohol, as well.

Before my recurrence back in the fall, I was finally making some major progress on the heartbreak front.  I was feeling more like myself and thought I was close to being able to possibly date again.  I was beginning to look forward to the future and finding "my one" for good this time.  Then I was suddenly thrust back into cancer world.  My future became cloudy.  And the healing process for my massive heartbreak was put on hold and in a lot of ways went backwards.  I had the support and love of my fiancé during my first go around with the beast and it made a huge difference in healing and attitude I am finding out.  This go around, without that support it is devastating and so hard.  Being sick, weak, alone and bald, the self esteem goes out the window and you're left feeling ugly and embarrassed to be in public. He's not there by my side holding on to me and telling me no matter what, you're beautiful.  Other people say that out of niceness, but it's just not the same.  I have pushed through and forced myself out a few times, but there is not a single second that is comfortable.  Will my wig fall off? My God I would die of absolute embarrassment.  And that stupid wig.  It's uncomfortable, itchy, heavy and kind of hurts your scalp.  When going through chemo your scalp is pretty sore and feels somewhat like you have a permanent sunburn on your head.  And when you're wearing a turban and not wearing your wig, the stares of pity are unbearable.  I do not want pity, I just want to be a normal person living a normal life, but that is not going to happen for a very long time it feels like right now.  So while I have the great support of a few people, without having him beside me it has been quite the rough road for me.  I realized this week I am not only going through horrible chemo and cancer treatments, I am still going through the grieving process of losing him as my main support person and cheerleader as well, making this process for me 100x harder.

Then there is the other elephant in the room.  The fact that I had been trying to get sober for almost a year.  And the fact that right before the recurrence I had fallen off the wagon big time and landed my stupid ass back in the hospital for another round of pancreatitis.  I thought I had it under control.  I had even told a guy that I had been out on a couple of dates with that I could drink wine and be okay as long as I stay away from the shots and hard liquor. LOL  silly girl   I had myself convinced that was true.  In reality there is not a single type of alcohol that is "ok" to drink at any time when you have an alcohol problem.  That wagon tips over way to easy.  You can only imagine how badly I wanted to go drink myself into oblivion once I heard those you have C words again and so many times since then.  But I haven't.  That last bout in the hospital, once again, shook me to the core and I vowed "this time" I'm done.  Today I am 74 days sober, without a single drop of alcohol.  And I can honestly say I haven't even wanted a drink.  I believe it's probably largely in part due to the fact that the side effect of this chemo I am on right now mirrors the very worst part of drinking.  It feels like that worst night of pouring whiskey and shots down your throat for hours, only to come home and lay down in your bed and the bed to begin spinning like a top.  Which then forces your drunk, weak and stumbling body to the toilet where you lay all night praying to that porcelain god.  And just when you think you've survived, you wake up to the most unbearable pain and exhaustion you've ever felt.  Well played God, well played.  If this is what it takes to make me never want to drink again, then so be it.  Because I can honestly say that after I am finished with this next round of this type of chemo and one more dance with the red devil gods next week, I do not EVER want to feel this way ever again! But as any addict knows there will be hurdles as I try to stay sober after this nightmare is over with, but I believe this experience will give me the strength to persevere through this hurdle as well.

So through my alone time this week, I realized I was not only battling cancer and chemo, but also heartbreak and addiction as well.  And this trifecta has made it that much more difficult to maneuver through this season of my life I am going through now.  No wonder I had a breakdown.  And no wonder I'm having a hell of a time dealing with it.  I had a great friend come rescue me Thursday night and gave me the best advice.  Be kind to yourself and allow people who want to love you during this to do so and don't worry about the people who do not.  This is hard for me to do, but going forward I am going to try to do better at loving myself.  I am going to try to give myself permission to be sad, to grieve, to heal and to also let people who want to love me do so.