Game Plan for The Great Fuck You Cancer Battle, Part Deux!

Well here we are again... as promised.  Keeping you entertained and updated as best as I can on what's going on in the exciting life of Kristy Lee.  Gosh it's been a while since my last update.  I believe it was right after I found out that my cancer had indeed returned again.  Since the last update there has been a PET scan, chemo classes, radiation consultation, and surgery.  Oh yeah and lots of meltdowns, crying fits, but mostly massive denial.  I think that in my sane mind I know what is happening, but in my insane brain I have decided that if I do not write it down, do not talk about, it is not and will not happen.  But the throbbing pain that radiates down my arm from the giant slice across my armpit and the bandage covering the hole in my chest where my drain was poking out from just a few days ago both tell me otherwise.

I saw my therapist today for the first time since I found the lump and she reminded me of this... one of my greatest coping mechanisms with my last battle was to write and that I should again write often, openly and honestly and just let it all out.  So here we go ….  writing myself out of denial...  maybe...  haha!

First up ... PET scan.  Something I did not have with my first go around.  I'm now thinking that it should be protocol.  Thinking I should have demanded it after I was given the "all clear".  Maybe this shit would have been there then and we could have taken care of it then.  But as with any tragic event in anyone's life you can what if yourself to death and drive yourself insane in the process.  So I have to learn how to stop What Ifing and just accept this is how it is and it cannot be changed.  I'm working on this.  Haven't mastered it yet.  I checked into the cancer center and was taken back into a room, secluded away from everyone.  Yes, no one could be there with me because the nurse was about to pop an IV into my arm and proceed to shoot some radioactive shit into my body and apparently it's not good for, well anyone... BUT yep here they were putting it into ME!  For those of you that know me well, know my anxiety was off the charts at this point.  Thank God for Xanax.  Not even joking...  Sat there for 30 minutes until I was fully "radioactive".  Then was escorted to the scan room where I was shoved in and out of tube for about 30 minutes or so, all the while praying like I've never prayed before that this shit had not gotten any further than my lymph nodes under my arm.  I'm pretty sure I've never been more scared... up to this point at least....  Came out of the scan and went back to see my oncologist.  I felt like I was walking the last mile to the death chamber.  About to learn my fate.  If it had spread it was going to be a very bad day.  My ex was with me and, for a brief moment in time, it was like the "old" days.  Back when I knew I had someone that loved me and had my back no matter what.  God how I wish I had that person in my life now.  It is so hard going through this without the love and support of a partner.  I was hoping this was the beginning of going back to those days... but deep down inside I knew better.  He wasn't coming back just because I was sick again.  And honestly I didn't want him to come back just because I was sick again and he was feeling sorry for me.  But for that brief moment in time it was nice and I was so happy he was there with me.  My oncologist gave me the most amazing wonderful news.   It looked like it was contained to the lymph nodes under my arm.  Thank you God.  Best case scenario!  It's funny how when you get a cancer diagnosis there are times during your journey that you get excited because yes I have cancer, but it's not as bad as it could be.  To a person looking from the outside in, you could possibly seem like a crazy person being excited.  On this particular day we went to breakfast to "celebrate" ….  Yes I have cancer and I am getting ready to go through hell, but not as much hell as I possibly could have been facing....  insanity! So next steps were discussed...  Surgeon appointment made, chemo class scheduled, and radiation consultation scheduled.  Gonna be another fucking fun year folks!  Let's get it started ASAP.  The sooner the better!

Saw my surgeon a few days later and got a game plan for surgery.  Scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving.  Oh goodie, Thanksgiving in the hospital.  This is shaping up to be a great holiday season once again for me.  Ironically enough it was almost two years to the date from my last beginning of treatments.  So yes folks, from here on out I'm guessing Thanksgiving/Christmas will be some major PTSD trigger times of year for this chick.  I'm thinking beach trips for the holidays.  Ha!  Like I need an excuse to want to go to the beach :)

Had my chemo class. Yep this was fun.  It was one meeting I thought would be no big deal.  I went alone. Note to, God forbid, anyone that has to do this particular class... DO NOT do this one alone!  My chemo nurse and I went over a book with about 50 pages of what to expect during chemo, how to's, hair loss, wig providers, etc.  Everything you NEVER want to know about chemo and what it is going to do to my body. Next the chemo nurse wanted me to go to the wig room to pick out a wig.  But I just couldn't make myself do it.  In total denial that any of this was going to be happening to me.  Instead I left there and went home and threw up and cried.  I am still, today, in denial over the hair thing.  I just cannot wrap my head around it.  I cry every time I am drying my hair after a shower.  I know that sooner than later I am going to have to suck it up and accept it, but as of today, still not there.....  I have an appointment with a wig guy on the 23rd, so I guess that will be my acceptance day LOL  or at least my forced day of acceptance.

Saw the radiation doctor the next day.  After chemo class, this sounded like a vacation to Hawaii lol.  Well not really but in comparison, he made it sound like no big deal.  5 weeks of radiating my whole left side of my chest and arm every single day.  But the thing is, I know differently.  I've seen the pictures of my fellow warriors who have gone through this.  The blisters, the red burnt skin that looks like it's going to slide off the bones, the damage to other nearby organs, the heart in particular for myself since they will be radiating right over it.  But I left that appointment with my denial glasses on and said yeah no big deal.  At least today I didn't get a 50 page booklet telling me I would be shitting myself to death, or vomiting like crazy, or massive mouth sores, blood transfusions, ER visits, or 100 other terrible awful things from the day before.

Oh yeah and, speaking of glasses, I also went and got some new glasses as well.  I haven't gotten new glasses in over 5 years.  I wear contacts so usually see no reason to spend moolah on something I do not ever wear right??  Well one of the side effects of this particular chemo is that your tears and pee will be red!  Yes RED.... AND it will "stain" your contacts if you wear them while on this shit.  Are you fucking kidding me???  And yet, yes I am going to allow them to pump this poison into me 4x and pray to God it doesn't damage my body too terribly bad while trying to kill any rogue cancer cells left floating around in my bod.  RED... tears and pee.... denial, denial, denial....  LOL! Too bad it's not Halloween time... I could scare the shit outta people just by crying baaahhaaa!

So here we are.... game plan in place, time for the Great Fuck You Cancer Battle, Part Deux!