It's not a Merry Christmas until....

 I know everyone has their own ending, but for me, this year, it's until "the radiologist calls and says your CT shows the tumor is stable with no sign of current metastasis"! That ya'll is my Christmas miracle!  I don't need or want another thing except for my family and friends to all be together at some point this holiday season. 

Most of you who have followed my journey may or may not realize, but this is the FIRST Christmas in four years I have not been just finished or getting ready for a surgery, or in the middle of or getting ready to start a harsh chemo. Four years of me hating and despising this season.  Christmas has been a very hard time for me, along with pretty much every day these last 4 years. Maybe finally it's my turn for a little break. 

For the record, these scan results I've been getting are nothing short of a miracle, but the truth of the matter is I will always have stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  It will always be lurking. But I have high hopes and expectations for this chemo pill I am currently on. I take 4 chemo pills for the pancreatic cancer and 1 chemo pill to keep the breast cancer away per day. I don't ever feel great, but I suck it up and live my best life! 

 

This year even before my scan, I decided we're doing Christmas like we used to.... BC.... Before cancer and before covid! I got the tree up and dug deep in the boxes for the old decor, the stuff that memories are made of. Handmade homemade handed down ornaments adorn the tree, along with old ornaments from the World War Era. Nope it's not a fancy tree, might even look a little gaudy, but I really don't care! Every time I look at it, a new memory pops into my head. I think it's perfect! 

 

We also, BC, did stockings for everyone. That hasn't been done in years! I dug them all out and this year all of the stockings will be hung with care and filled. Just another tradition we were letting slip away. Nope not this year. This is the year of saving the traditions. I hope my son and nephews remember them and keep them going. Having that scan in the back of my mind, thinking this could be my last Christmas, by golly it was going to be a "normal" one!  Just like the ones I used to know.... I'm trying to make sure it's a Smith traditional Christmas none the less! 

 

I pulled the names for my angel tree little girls and shopped till I dropped for them. This is the biggest blessing for me every year. I wish I had money and could do more! But I know every year I make two little girls happy which makes my heart happy! 

 

I also have finished my shopping and the presents are wrapped and already under the tree for fears that the scan was going to show the worst and I wouldn't have the energy to shop or put up a tree or anything else if I were to have had to start the hard chemo again. 

 

I've already been to Christmas parties, light seeking at Logboat, Veterans United, the Clydesdale farm, my favorite, Shelter Gardens, the Shelter tree lighting and the Symphony of Toys.  I've definitely stayed busy to keep the scan way back in the farthest corner of my mind! 

        

 

BC I used to make tons of candy and chex mix. I don't like to brag but the chex mix was so good I made a shit ton of it and sold it one year. That is the one thing I haven't quite gotten my strength up to do yet this year. Lordy when Britton was little we would make cookies and he would decorate them and help me with the candy. I cherish those memories so much! I just hope I'm here someday to do that with my grandbabies (hint hint hint) LOL!  Maybe I'll get some made this weekend #goals.  But don't hold your breath LOL. 

 

I am so very happy I went ahead and embraced the holiday spirit, even with that scan in the back of my mind.  Now I can sit back for the next 11 days and just enjoy everything, since I finished up early "just in case" and knowing that for the next 3 months with God's grace I am free again!  Thank you to all my prayer warriors. I know this miracle is not possible without you all!! Merry Christmas my friends and I pray for a happy healthy new year for all! 

        

About Last Night.....

 Life is sometimes really shitty. But then there is crazy and beautiful and amazing. God places you in situations where you are supposed to be.  I cannot even begin to tell you how many times this has been true since sobriety and since I have found my faith again. Last night... Mind blown. 

 I had two events I really really wanted to go to last night. I had to make a choice. Which is rare that I would even have one thing to do these days. There was a live music event back home with a lot of old friends and then there was a sobriety celebration and fund raiser that a friend of mine so generously offered me tickets to.  Normally there would be no question and I would have chosen to hang out and gossip and dance with my best friends. But for some reason I was being pulled in the other direction. For the last few years I've been following these impulses as they have seemingly always lead me to a place I needed to be. Therefore I chose to attend the celebration fundraiser.  Most of you know that I am now two years sober. I also felt a great need to reach out to a great friend who is also in recovery to see if he would go with me. So I asked and he said yes. For some unknown reason I believe both of us needed to be there last night. 

 

We arrived and checked out the silent auction items and had a nice meal. There was also a hot chocolate and gourmet coffee bar to substitute for a real bar of course since this was a sobriety event no alcohol was involved. This made it easier to relax and enjoy without having to worry about temptation. We hung out and visited and did all the goofy things you do at fundraisers… The photo booth (which is my favorite thing!), the live auction, music and dancing etc. 

 

I was visiting with an amazingly generous man and filing him in on my journey since the last recovery event 2 years ago where I was just beginning my sobriety and my next cancer journey.  And somehow my friend and I ended up with two Trek bikes from Walt's!  How exciting right? My friend and I were ecstatic and feeling amazingly blessed!  I thought at that moment wow maybe that's why I was pulled here. 

 

Towards the end of the evening as we were gathering our stuff and talking about heading out I noticed a girl with a cool disco ball phone plug in and commented on it. At this event they just place people randomly at tables where you can mingle and meet new people. The cool disco girl had literally been sitting at our table all night and this was my first interaction with her. We started chatting and somehow pancreatic cancer was brought up in our conversation. She told me her sister had passed away a year ago from pancreatic cancer. She looked young and I knew that her sister was probably young as well. I told her that I had just been diagnosed a year ago and from that conversation we went into the fact that I also was a breast cancer survivor. She then opened up to me that she had the BRCA2 gene, and her sister and her mother. I couldn’t believe it. I really felt like, at that moment, her and I were supposed to meet and this was not by accident. She then went on to tell me that she was going to be having her prophylactic hysterectomy and mastectomy in the next month to prevent the cancer from invading those two parts of her body, because with BRCA2 it’s not if you’re going to get the cancer but when. I then told her that I had had a double mastectomy and a full hysterectomy as well and we then chatted a while about BRCA2 and all the shitty things that goes along with it. She told me she was raising her sister's children and had just moved here from Arizona after her sister had passed away. I asked her how long her sister had made it with from diagnosis and she said two years. That is a lot longer than most people who are diagnosed with it live, so that gave me some hope that maybe I’ll make it at least two years or even longer. We exchanged Facebook friend messages and I let her know that she could call me or message me at any time if she needed anything at all. I know these surgeries are scary and doing them prophylactically is a very very brave thing to do. I’m not sure if I was in her shoes before a cancer diagnosis if I would be so brave. But she is doing this for her children and her sister‘s children as well, so she can be around for a long time to take care of them all. 

 

So here we are, two people placed at a table, randomly put together at an event that I normally would have not chosen over the another event and we both have the BRCA2 gene and her sister had passed away from pancreatic cancer. And she is getting ready to go through what I've been through and I feel like I can be a friend and help her out through her journey. 

This was not a chance meeting nor was it accidental. I believe God placed her there for me to help through these surgeries and to be a support system and to share my story. It was an amazing night and I’m still kind of in shock over the way God moves in his mysterious workings in my life since I have gotten sober and found my faith again.  I hope my friend also found some strength and positivity by going along with me. He probably doesn't know it, but he helped me to feel comfortable in an always uncomfortable situation of being around new people. Since I have gotten sober that has been the hardest part for me.... Being sober and social. But having a friend along made it a great night!  I am getting better at it every day! Just having the strength to ask someone to go with me is a win in my books! 

 

Here's to a beautiful Sunday and being thankful for all of my blessings and a reminder that nothing happens by accident. For  my prayer warriors.... Thank you always! Extras on 12-8!

Torn Between Two Colors

 Today is National Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Day.  The WHOLE month of November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month.  

We are now halfway through the month of November, PanCan Awareness Month, and I have yet to see (other than on my pancreatic cancer support pages) ANY purple ribbons.  Not one awareness sign in any of the stores, not one commercial on TV, no fund raisers, nothing, anywhere, promoting pancreatic cancer awareness.  And I must admit, up until this last year, I was unaware of the total lack of any type of promotions, fund raising attempts, or even any type of awareness campaigns for any other type of cancer besides the almighty pink breast cancer.  This is where I am torn and feel a bit guilty for being angry about it all, being a 2x breast cancer survivor and a now a new pancreatic cancer fighter.  Please know I am so very grateful for all of the awareness (which leads to funding for a cure) for breast cancer, but cannot help but be angry that none of the other cancers get any attention at all.  Pancreatic cancer is one of those cancers that STILL has no cure and very few treatment options even!  Why isn't the attention being shifted from Pinktober to Purplevember.  We need a cure, or at the very least some viable life extending treatment options!  

Think about it yourselves....  The whole month of October you were inundated with pink everything everywhere! Believe me, I am very aware of how massive it is because, to be honest, at times, it's too much for me. For 31 days every year there is a constant reminder of the hell I have endured. For 31 days a fund raiser or awareness event popped up on my Facebook calendar.  You couldn't walk into a store or watch TV without it being thrown in your face.  And then November 1st, BAM, nothing.  Not even pink.  Which on some level this even pisses me off.  Breast cancer is a 24/7, 12 month disease, yet it seems like some type of weird ass celebration for one month in October and then everyone just forgets about it as well, and pink goes back to being just another color.  But at least it gets the 31 day fund raising and awareness campaigns, which has pushed breast cancer to one of the highest funded cancers.  This makes it more accessible to funds to find a cure, while all of the other colors are left behind.  Without awareness, funding and money to find a cure has less of a chance, obviously, because us purple people are still waiting!

There is a pretty decent theory regarding the reason behind the lack of a huge purple push in November.  Very sadly the average pancreatic cancer patient only lives 6 months after diagnosis, and rarely more than a year.  Therefore, there are not enough survivors that are around long enough to even begin any type of movement for awareness events in November.  I am a unicorn and I pray like crazy every single day to keep my unicorn status!  And since I have, so far, surpassed the odds thrown at me, I'm going to make a little noise today.  I know one person cannot do a lot, but one is better than none, right?  I've challenged my Facebook family to wear something purple today and post it up to show support and raise awareness.  I hope this will make a small but powerful statement!  My wonderful workplace is turning our fountain out in front of our building purple today at my request.  Hopefully people will drive by and wonder why the fountain is purple and maybe google it.  A little bit more awareness! I hope to be around for a long time to shake things up, to start a purple movement like the pink one.  Our purple community needs a CURE! I'm sure Pinktober started with just a small movement as well and well, look what it has turned into.  

I also hope that through awareness movements people stop and check into the organizations they are donating to (no matter what color).  Make sure the money is going directly back to the cause and not into big corporations who already have huge pockets.  The corporations that, during October, profit greatly on generous people who think if they buy something with a pink ribbon on it, it's going to help us.  But in reality they are just using your sympathies to make more money.  When donating to a cause, please try to donate local, where you know the money is going back into the community you live in to help actual patients.  Again, before my diagnosis, I had no clue as to where my money went when I was trying to be generous, only to find out now, sometimes it wasn't helping anyone in need.  

Well enough of my soapbox.  Hopefully someday there will be no need for any color ribbon! 

Update on myself.....  My last blood work again went up a couple of points.  I don't like this at all, but my doctor told me not to worry unless it trends so far up that it goes out of range again, and then we will worry.  So I'm trying not to freak, but if you know my whole story, you know I will always be freakin' the F out!  LOL  My next scan is set for December 8th.  I know I always say this, but this one is another biggie!  I just surpassed my one year mark, and per the stats above, you know that is HUGE! Please to all my prayer warriors out there, throw me up some prayers on the 8th of December for a clean, non-changed scan.  I have aches and pains and it scares me all the time.  Even though I know I just lifted a 30 pound bag of dog food, or walked 5 miles, or something silly that would obviously make your muscles sore.  But alas I still freak out and worry.  I still take my 5 chemo pills per day and have to admit they seemingly are making me a little more nauseous lately.  I know that is a side effect, so I just pop a barf pill and go on with my day.  I tell myself to suck it up and be grateful for I am still alive!  The world lost a beautiful soul this week who was a huge inspiration to me throughout my journey.  This, of course, was a reality check for me and threw me into panic mode.  I am so grateful to my four legged park walking buddy and my friends who talked me down off of the cliff and got my mind back to positive thinking!  

Thanks ahead to all my prayer warriors.  Please keep me on your prayer lists, especially for the 8th!  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your friends and families and remember to love every minute, take tons of photos and be thankful for your health!   

Emotional Tug O' War

 Halloween.... I love it! It's probably my favorite holiday.

I remember all the years of dressing up my little boy and taking him to the costume contest in downtown Moberly and trick or treating afterwards, stopping at all the grandparents first, of course. Each year we would spend weeks before Halloween deciding what we were going to be. Yes, we, because each year I dressed up as well, either to match my little goblin or to match my husband. Oh my, him and I had some awesome costumes and had some of the best times at his sister and brother in-laws Halloween parties. Treasured memories. Even once my mom got in on the fun when her and I were Thing 1 and 2 and Britt was Cat in the Hat. I miss those days of my little goblin dressing up. Maybe someday I can take my grandbabies (hint hint to someone).  But even after he was grown, I still dressed up every year. It's so fun for one night to be someone totally different and just let loose and have fun!

Two years ago I was in the hospital over Halloween for a suspected pancreatitis attack (we now know differently huh). That was the first time probably in my life I did not get to dress up for Halloween and it was a giant bummer!

Then last year on October 30th I went in for what I thought would just be a routine ECRP scope to try to figure out why I was having all of these pancreatitis attacks, as I had just spent another week with another one. They had been happening annually since July 2018, my first one. So I went to the hospital and got all hooked up and got my happy night night juice and I was off to la la land, not really concerned. Was just hoping they could fix the attacks.

What I wasn't prepared for was my doctor standing at the end of my bed (which if you've had any procedure like that it's not good for the doctor to be waiting for you to wake up). He basically told me he was 99% sure it was pancreatic cancer and everyone knows what that means. Basically I was told 3-6 months. And being alive a year later is pretty much unheard of.

So yesterday when this memory popped up I had two options.... And what a dilemma it was. My emotions were pulling me in two different directions, leaving me on emotional overload for most of the day. I could have climbed into my pj's and been depressed and obsess over everything OR put my Halloween loving big girl lighted boobies on and go dance the night away with friends and celebrate me beating the current odds in front of me. I chose the latter! I truly believe the positive attitude is partially what has gotten me this far on this crazy journey I am on and I will continue choosing to live one day at a time as a grateful blessed fighter!

                                                       

Tonight, for the first time in years, I'm going to dress up and sit outside on this beautiful fall day and hand out candy and just enjoy that I GET to do it! In past years I've shut off the lights and left the house, usually to go drink somewhere. How crazy. I love Halloween and seeing all the kids dressed up, yet I ran away from it to go drink and deprive myself of something that makes me happy. Craziness! If you're lucky enough to be headed out there tonight remember to enjoy every single second. Time flies by way too fast!

Happy Halloween ya'll and as always please keep me in your prayers  !

Fall Definitely Has More Than One Definition

 Today is the first day of fall and it seems like just about everyone is excited about it.  I woke up this morning and let the dogs out and the feeling of the coldness of a cool fall morning stung my skin.  I was not prepared for that! I am used to opening the door to a beautiful summer warm morning.  I then realized my house was freezing also and I had to go dig out my favorite sweater.  These events irritated me and halfway made me mad.  Summer seemed to fly by and I am not ready to let it go, but alas I guess I must.  I don’t really mind fall, in fact, I somewhat like it.  What I don’t like is the reminder that after fall comes the winter and I’m sure by now everyone knows how I feel about that!  HaHa! Then factor in that for the last 4 years in a row fall has seemed to lash out at me and for some unknown reason punish me.  Maybe because it knows that I curse it every year when I feel it coming on in late September.  When something horrible happens, as it has for me, you tend to start trying to blame anything and everything on the never-ending question of WHY ME?!  Even the most absurd reasons. 

 Some of you have been with me from the very beginning of my blog and my many physical “falls”, which all have seemed to occur right in the middle of a Fall season.  From my very first cancer diagnosis in the fall of 2017 with my breast cancer battle.  This lead to a discovery that I have a genetic mutation where I am very susceptible to several cancers, including breast, ovarian, pancreatic, and skin.  This mutation is called BRCA2.  With my breast cancer battle, I had a double mastectomy in January, 2018.  Then due to the BRCA mutation, a full hysterectomy in May, 2018. Add a severe pancreatitis attack in July, 2018 which landed me in the ICU for about a week, and then I rounded out the fall of 2018 in November with a knee surgery for a torn meniscus.  Needless to say 2018 was a terribly rough year for me, as other family and personal issues were there along with the cancer and surgeries.  But I felt like I rose out of the ashes and started January, 2019, full of hope and renewal for a new year and a new me.

 In the fall of 2019, I was showering one morning and felt a lump under my left arm and knew right away without even a thought that it was cancer.  I just had a feeling.  I called the appropriate doctors and was on the biopsy table the next day. Sure enough, my next “fall” was about to take place.  My breast cancer had spread to a lymph node and I would have to have another surgery to remove the lymph nodes from under my arm, 16 of them in all, then chemotherapy called the red devil.  That sounds fun huh?  LOL  It was great!!  After chemo, then 25 straight days of radiation.  Also at the beginning of 2019 is when my fiancé left me and my self-confidence went straight into the toilet.  I remember him saying one night that I looked just like a 10 year old boy.  Let me tell you what ya’ll, after losing your breasts, your ovaries, etc., tons of weight, and your hair, I’m really not sure how I didn’t just give up at that point.  My self-confidence was already in such a place that no one ever wants to visit and then to be told this was just enough to push me about over the edge.  And then 2020 hit and I spent almost a year alone in the house, just my mom and I.  I was too sick to go out from the chemo and radiation and even if I wasn’t feeling terrible, my white counts were so low that I could not risk being around anyone for fear of getting covid.  I seriously thought about giving up more than one time that year. While other people were growing close to their families and significant others and coming together from being locked in, I became more and more depressed and isolated and some days it was almost too much.  Finally in the late summer of 2020, Covid slowed down and my hair started growing and I was ready to slowly get back out there again.  I once again pulled myself up out of the ashes and said, ok God, I get it.  And I started over.  I felt like a brand new person.  More gratitude and love.  I learned how to love and how to show love.  And I knew then what was really important and was going to do the rest of my life with a renewed hope and pathway.  I was dating, going to AA, hanging out with friends and family and just really, for the first time in a very long time, enjoying my life and accepting what had happened to me.  I was ready to give back and join groups and help other women who had gone through the same things I had.  I also received my 1 year sober coin during this time.  My goal for 2021 was going to be to try to start a non-profit branch for BRCA positive peeps who needed some direction on how to navigate this diagnosis and what it all meant.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it, but I had a vision.

 But alas that would not happen.  Instead, in the fall of 2020, after feeling bad and having pancreas problems for almost two years, and seemingly getting worse, and the “fall” of 2021 began.  I was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer, which is cancer in the pancreas that had spread to my liver.  I left the oncologist office the first of November being told to get my affairs in order that I would have no more than 3-6 months to live.  Let me tell you what ya’ll that’s a hard ass pill to swallow.  Especially after all I had already been through.  And yes, the why me’s started and continued for several days.  I started chemo right away.  Gathered as many prayer warriors as I could and we prayed, and prayed, and prayed.  With each chemo session and bloodwork and scan appointments, I seemed to be reacting well to the regime, which was for 6 months, every other week, 56 hours straight of some pretty harsh chemo.  Definitely was no fun at all!  But if it was working I’d take it in a heartbeat.  It meant more time here on earth.  Give it to me doc!  I am now 5 months into what most PC patients call their “bonus time”, which is any time you are alive after the doctor told you that you wouldn’t be.  I am so thankful and I still pray every single day and am still absolutely terrified every single day!  If you see me out and I look like I’m okay, I’m probably not……… but I’ve gotten really good and letting myself forget for just a little while when I’m with friends and family, that my time here is probably a lot shorter than I’m praying for.  But you never know, this chick still believes in miracles!! 

 Now here we are, the first day of fall, 2021.  I just don’t think I can handle one more “fall”.  I am praying for this to be my year of staying upright.  No more physical “falls”, only pumpkin spice, bon fire, sweatshirt wearing Falls!  This, however, is where I get a little scared.  When I was told 3-6 months, my first prayers to God were to please let me at least see all four seasons once again.  To embrace each one and soak in every aspect of that season (even the one I dislike) haha!  And I have done that.  I have lived life like I was dying for the last year and loving and respecting every single season, embracing each one like it would be the last time.  But I’m not ready to go.  I want more seasons and I hope that God hears my prayers when I ask for a miracle to let me live on and to teach others how important it is to live and love like I have this year.  I definitely have learned absolutely what is important and how differently I look at the world and life and for that I am grateful for this journey.  I hope and pray every person learns this lesson in their lifetime, without the consequences I had to face, in order for me to open my eyes to all the beauty on our earth and in all people! I appreciate each of you and please keep me on your prayer chains and lists.  I definitely still need them all to keep fighting this one! Love you all!

The First Day

 Ahhhhh....  this week is one of my all time favorite weeks in Facebookland.  Everyone is posting their children in their first day of school outfits leaving for the first of many first days or the first of the last day of their school years.  

As I scroll through Facebook today, I find myself reminiscing a little more than usual.  I've even shed several tears thinking about that little bitty boy who walked into his first day of kindergarten for what seems like a thousand years ago.  And then thinking about him walking out the door each August after that first one, knowing with each year it seemed to go a little faster.  Some years as I dropped him off I would pray that time would slow down.  For me, it's been 8 years since I've done the back to school dance (counting college, which was a whole different kind of mental breakdown) I bawled for one week straight when I dropped him off for college.  And honestly I still don't know what to do with myself without him here.     

        


The advice I would give all parents out there is take the pictures, make the memories, go the games, plays, band concerts.  Enjoy every minute of every single event because before you know it, you're sitting in your chair looking through old first day of school pictures wishing like hell you had them back, for just one more year!  Instead you sit and wait for that once a month or so visit from them and cherish the fact that you get at least that.  They really have no idea how much you love them and would give anything to have those days back, even though you might have acted like it might have been a giant pain in the ass at the time.  I guess maybe someday when they have their own children they will realize how much you love them and that they are your whole life; the one and only that can bring a smile to your face like no one else in the whole world can.  

        

Maybe I am more melancholy, reminiscent and a bit more teary eyed this year due to my current health situation.  I seem to be more teary eyed in general since my latest diagnosis, so I'm sure that is the reason.  Time has a way fleeing from you without even realizing it, and for me, more than likely, it's sprinting.  The summer has flown by and we are entering into fall.  In a few months will be coming upon my 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis.  If you know anything at all about pancreatic cancer, that is pretty much unheard of.  I continue to fight like hell and always will for that little boy and to keep living this beautiful wonderful thing we call life! 

I know I had said I would give an update on my Facebook post after my scan 2 weeks ago.  I've been trying to figure out how to update as I am still trying to figure it out myself.  I will say that I am going to be in and out of several scans and doctor appointments beginning next week.  After these appointments I should have a LOT more to tell I hope and pray!  Please please keep praying for me as this could possibly be the miracle that myself and everyone else has been praying for.  I am DEFINITELY in no way getting my hopes up because PC just doesn't work like that, but I would appreciate tons of prayers especially on 08/31 and 9/1 and 9/3 for sure!  

In the meantime, I am leaving tonight for Boston!  Going to get my mind off of next week (hopefully!) and check some more of those bucket list items off.  I'm sure I'll post way too many pictures, but this is how I'm rolling these days.  Making tons of memories with the people that mean the most to me, so in the end I will have no regrets, just memories of an amazing life! 

Love to all of you my prayer warriors and See ya'll in Boston!  

I Made It!!

 The big 5ohhhh!  Who knew a year ago, when I was celebrating my last year in my 40's, this day would mean so much? That I would pray every day to see 50 and it would be more than just the "normal" milestone for me.  I sure didn't.  When the doctor told me in November that I had 3-6 months, that meant that April would be my last month here on earth and I knew then I was going to fight like hell and beat those odds.  And with tons of prayers and thousands of prayer warriors, along with new medical miracles, I made it to the big 5ohhhh!  And as you've probably seen through my photos on Facebook, I've been celebrating the whole week!  And the week isn't over yet!  So sorry to say, you will probably have to tolerate more photos!  haha! 

                         

My birthday started last weekend with my school girlfriends having a party for me at Kim's beautiful house.  I am so very grateful to these ladies.  They have made this last year so amazing for me, just being there and reconnecting in a way that I wish every person could experience.  Through 43 or so years we still love each other so much! We sat by the pool  and hung out and gossiped about old and new news. Yes we're female, we gossip!  haha! We looked through old yearbooks and pictures of us growing up over the years and had tons of laughs at our big 80's hair! I fell in love with her puppy and kitty of course, and I think they were ready to come home with me too.  I am the animal spoiler. haha  I think Barb loved them too (LMAO)!  We went to dinner Saturday evening on the "Hill" and had the best meal.  I'd never been there, so another box checked off the list!  I then headed home Sunday morning, after a stop for breakfast with a special new friend, feeling refreshed and happy and healthy!  You don't realize how much you need a get away, until you actually just make the plans and do it!  It is so good for the soul.  My advice, don't wait.  You do have time if you make the time.  

                    

Today began with a trip to the oncologist....  yippie (yes on my birthday..... happy birthday, you get a needle stuck in you!)  Aren't I the lucky one haha!  But the beautiful ladies in the lab all sang happy birthday to me and that made my day!  Then I relaxed some and headed out for dinner with friends and mom and my boy💝.  Another great night of family and friends and catching up.  Then headed to Dogmaster for a few more friend visits.  Then home to crash into bed.  I'm pretty sure I was asleep in 10 minutes!  A great and amazing birthday with people I love!  And the birthday wishes via text, messenger and Facebook - HOLY COW!  Thank you so much, they all made my day!  

            

As far as the big "C" journey goes, I am into month 2 of the new chemo pills.  I am taking 4 per day and so far the only side effect I have experienced is some severe exhaustion at times, which the doctors say is normal.  Otherwise we're trucking along and praying daily that these little grey pills are working to keep the cancer at bay.   I am still awaiting the tumor marker numbers from today and praying they are still steady and low.  I should hopefully get them by the end of the week so I can relax until my scan.  I will have a scan on August 11th to see if the pills are working and to make sure nothing is growing or nothing new is showing up.  This is a BIG scan ya'll.  HUGE!  So on August 10th or 11th, or both, if you would throw a giant prayer up to the big guy I would sure appreciate it.  I know you will, as my prayer warriors have been absolutely amazing!!  Your support through texts, messages, and posts on Facebook have made my journey feel much less lonely for sure.   

I read through my last two birthday posts today and the one thing that stood out to me more than anything is how much I have grown in the last two years.  I have reached a certain point of peace which I have never known in my life.  I have grown in my faith and have grown in my perspective of how you should live and what is truly important. I am grateful for every single day and every single moment I can be with the people that I love. I have found that being with the people (including the four legged ones) I care about is the only thing that truly makes me happy and is what matters the most in my life.  Physical items no longer matter.  Money in the bank does not matter.  Making tons of memories with the people I care about  is what matters and is how I'm going to spend the rest of my time on this beautiful earth.  

While reading the two prior birthday posts I actually hardly recognized the lost and unhappy person that was writing those entries.   I was definitely not at peace with life and seemed very lost.  It is so crazy the paths life takes you to come to the point of total peace.  I am choosing this year, on my big five oh, to let it all go.  What happened in the past is the past.  And "What If's" are a huge waste of time, because there will never be a way to find out, so I'm going to let it go.  And future "What Ifs" need to be shoved aside and to be put into God's hands and the hands of medical science for a cure for this terrible disease so many fight every single year.  It's time to join the land of the living, happy and at peace with whatever life may bring to me in the coming years!  Cheers to 50 MORE! God willing!   

What's Your Later?

I recently returned home from a family vacation.  Now mind you this vacation was as special as the one I was on a month ago with my girlfriends.  Another first.... another "later".  Our whole family (minus my daddy) went to Florida for a week (mom, sister, her 3 boys and husband, and best of all my boy and I).  The reason this was so special you ask?  We have NEVER been on a family vacation before, since before Autumn and I were little.  We were always going to get to it "later".  

We had the best time.  Some days we just did nothing but walk on the beach collecting shells while the boys played football or frisbee in the ocean and some days we ran ourselves ragged with an activity that was on one of our bucket list.  We snorkeled with live manatees! It was amazing. The girls did a glass blowing class where we made some beautiful flowers and a heart.  Boy that kiln was HOT!  I know... morbid thought... but I figured that would be how hot it would be when I get stuck into one of those when the time comes...  Terrible, yes I know, but that's what goes through a terminal person's brain versus a regular non-sick person.  The boys went on a private 4 hour fishing charter and caught tons of fish and even brought it home and cooked it for us for dinner.  They said it was pretty cool and they all said that was the highlight of the trip. 

One evening we had a sunset family photo session with a professional photographer.  He is so good and made everyone comfortable and we laughed so much.  The pictures are perfect and I couldn't have asked for anything better!  Afterwards we all went to a restaurant and had key lime pie while the boys played bags.  

I am so glad my family got to see my place of peace and comfort and maybe now they know why I love it there so much, as I'm sure they could all see the difference in Missouri Kristy and Treasure Island Kristy.  I am a Cancer (ironically LOL).  A water sign.  And I believe the ocean is in my soul for that is where I find peace and comfort.  

P.S.:  If my sissy ever tells you I peed my pants... well she's lying!  I made it to the ocean, so that doesn't count sissy!  Baaaahhhaaaaa!  Maybe someday you'll hear that story in full, LOL, but I doubt it!

But all wonderful things must come to an end and we headed home the following Saturday taking a million memories with us. As I drove over the bridge leaving my happy place one more time, I had to wonder if that would be my last and got a little teared up as I boarded the plane that day.   

I watched a movie on the airplane on the way back home Saturday night.  I know I shouldn't have, as it hits way to close to home, but it drew me in and I'm glad I watched it.  The opening of the movie began with these words: 

"The average person lives 27,375 days. That's all we get, if we're lucky.

27,375

At first, I thought it didn't really seem like a lot of time. But then again, how many days do we really remember anyway? Most days pass by unnoticed, unremarkable, unmarked. Because we only remember the days when we feel something happened. Something beautiful or tragic. Most days will pass in a blur. So many of mine did. They were lost in routine or work or both. 

I didn't notice my life was becoming a series of forgotten days. Everything was being saved for later. You make that money, honey. Live spontaneously, later. Travel, later. Find love, later.

But everything can change in a day.

And what might be missing... becomes so very clear."

My question for you.... What's on the list of "laters" for you?  Don't wait until later! Do them now! It should not have taken me to get a death sentence for these trips to happen... But life happens and it does.  I'm just trying to share my side and how I wish I would have been healthy for these trips and not had dying on my mind.  I wish these trips would have happened when I was carefree and happy.  Take it from me.... do it now! 💗

I am trying to cram 40 years of laters into what will realistically probably be a year to a year and a half, if I am one of the lucky ones.  My next milestone I am trying to reach is my 50th birthday!  Most people dread the big 5-oh, but I am praying that I reach it July 14th!  Some of my laters I'm terrified to even think about because I know they are just too far out of reach.  Some of them are just timing.  Will I see my son get married?  Will I get to meet my grandbabies?  These are things that cannot be forced.  But the things that you can see right in front of you.  Things you say every day, "I'd like to try that" or I'd like to go there".  No matter how small.  Do it!  All of that money and savings.... you can't take it with you, but you can make memories now that will go with you and your children, family and friends.  That is what life is really about.  Making as many memories and impressions upon people that you can while you are here on this earth, so that they may take the memories with them after you're gone and continue living with those memories in their hearts and minds. What memories have you made together and left for your loved ones?   Later is now my friends! 

Love to you all and please keep praying for me my prayer warriors as I need them every day! 

The Relevance of a Moment in Time

Today is Cinco de Mayo. The relevance of this day used to be huge for me. I would take off work early, AND if you were really lucky, it fell on a Saturday! What? A whole day of hanging out with "friends" and hitting every Mexican place in town for a few tequila shots and of course, margaritas. Back then I thought there would never ever be a Cinco de Mayo I would not participate in and celebrate! Boy how times change. Today I didn't even realize it was Cinco de Mayo. Didn't even give it a thought until I started seeing all the photos on social media of people celebrating. No, today I will be finding out if my life will be extended or not. I sure would love to go back in time for just one more carefree Cinco de Mayo celebration. *sigh* 

 My carefree days have been few and far between over the last 3 years, as most of you know, through the journey here on my blog. At the time I started this "book", it was just a way to let everyone know about my first breast cancer journey, which I thought would be short and sweet. HAHA.... joke was on me huh? Here we are almost 3 years later still writing. I will admit it helps me a lot to get things off my mind when I write. It somehow helps my brain to process the pain I suppose. 

 These last two years have seemed like a giant series of ironical events, as I have mentioned in several of my previous posts. Today is absolutely no exception at all. Two years ago today my fiancé came home after staying out all night and announced that he was in love with someone else and was leaving me to be with her. The same fiancé who, a year earlier, after we had been together for 7 years, got down on one knee and proposed right after my first breast cancer diagnosis and said "I want you to know that I've heard this is going to get really hard and I want you to know I will never leave you no matter how hard it gets". A year later, I guess it just got too hard. I didn't celebrate Cinco de Mayo that year either. I only bring this up to make a point. In this moment two years ago I thought that was the worst day of my life. That things could not get any worse. I was absolutely devastated and if I'm being honest, still working on getting over it. But that was the relevance of that moment in time. 

 Six months after he left I found a lump in a lymph node and was told my breast cancer had returned. All of a sudden being dumped and left alone was nothing compared to what I was about to go through. Over that next six months I went through surgery to remove lymph nodes, chemo, and radiation. At this moment in time, this was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to face, but after all was said and done, I was deemed cancer free and I felt like I had gotten another chance at life. I bought a Jeep, started dating again and felt like I was finally free of my past demons and could go forward living a life of peace, sobriety, and was hopeful for another chance at love. I was ready to start over and do things right .... finally! 

 Six months later I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was given 3-6 months to live. April 25th was the 6 month mark and I am still here! And yesterday, May the 4th (be with you) HAHA, I walked into the cancer center for another PET scan. This moment in time is a big one folks! I have just finished 6 months of the most grueling chemo there is out there (so I'm told) like a champ, I might add. The current chemo has left me with no feeling in my toes at all and was starting to work on my feet as well as my fingers, so definitely hoping for a break in this regimen. This PET scan will tell the doctors if the chemo has worked or if the tumors are growing and spreading. The hope is that there is either shrinkage or stable results and nothing has grown or spread. Usually you get your results right away when you have a scan, but the cancer center has a new process in place and now you have to wait a day for results. Those 24 hours seemed like an eternity! I spent the evening at a winery with a friend participating in a paint class, painting a beautiful tropical scene, of course. This at least kept my psycho mind at bay for a few hours and my picture is not totally a wreck, so that was a good night in my books. 

 Today is the day. It was finally here. One that I really thought I would dread and be distraught with thoughts of what had happened two years ago, compounded with the scan results, but instead I did not think about that day two years ago at all except maybe once or twice, and then quickly shook it off. I had other things, way more important things, to think about today. Will I get to add more months to my life or will I be preparing for the end of it? The relevance of a moment in time.... No, two years ago was not the worst day of my life, I just thought it was, because up to that moment it was. Time moves on, things happen, and you forget how much it, at one time, hurt so badly. I begin every single morning with the Serenity Prayer and end my morning prayers with a little meditation. Sometimes I repeat this routine several times throughout the day. I pray every single day that this will just be another painful moment in time and that someday way into the future I can look back at and thank God he spared me. That is my hope and prayer. Although I am not naïve at all and I know the statistics and the chances of that are slim. As of right now there is no cure for PC, but only to contain it and extend life some, yet I still have hope and I still believe in miracles! If they can find a Covid vaccine so quickly, maybe the scientist and doctors out there are on the cusp of a new drug to help all of us suffering from this awful diagnosis! 

 Today in I go to the center. Blood draw first, as always. Feeling like I'm going to barf, cry, scream, yet all I do is sit there waiting for Dr. I to come in and give it to me straight. And yes, drum roll, today my scan showed a 50% reduction in the pancreatic tumor from the beginning of my diagnosis in October. The scan also still shows no growth or new tumors anywhere else. This is what we have been praying for at this stage of the game! So now I will begin a daily chemo pill call Lymparza. It is pretty new to the treatment scene a VERY new to the treatment of pancreatic cancer. While this pill is only effective in about 50% of the people, it was developed to target people specifically with the BRCA mutation. Hey look everyone FINALLY the BRCA gene gave me something positive to look forward to! HAHA! So I am very hopeful that this pill will work on me. Please say prayers for me that it will. The doctor told me that if it does work, it could possibly buy me 6-9 more months and then when it quits working, back to the chemo room for hopefully more time. Side effects seem to be, from people I have talked to that are taking it, exhaustion and some nausea, but I'm hoping for minimal side effects. But, if I have to have side effects and it works, I'll take it.... anything to extend my life, hopefully long enough for someone to discover a cure! 

 Thank you to all of you who are supporting me any any way and my prayer warriors! Please keep me on your prayers lists indefinitely, as this is just one battle won in this moment in time with a very long  (hopefully) war ahead! Much love to all of you!

With Friends Like These....

 ....  You'll NEVER Feel Sad or Lonely!  They say people come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime, but I'd like to add Forever to that statement.  This post is dedicated to my Forevers! You know who you are! 💓  I will love you all Forever! 

Most people are lucky if they have one or two Forever best friends; And I know that I have at least 5, if not a few more than that! But I have been BFF's with this particular group of beautiful amazing smart sexy women for at least 40 years.  We are truly blessed to have each other! And our Fabulous Five Oh trip was the biggest blessing that not only I needed, but I feel like in everyone's own ways all needed this trip badly.  We were talking one evening and all of us said it should not have taken one of us getting a terminal diagnosis to have made this trip happen.  But as everyone knows, life gets in the way and before you know it we're all fifty and STILL fabulous.  Terminal or not I am so happy we got to take this trip.  I love you ladies.... Forever!  

I started out my trip last Wednesday morning on a shuttle to St. Louis to catch my airplane into Tampa. I have never traveled alone, so was a little nervous, but I knew it was going to be great when the bus driver started playing the Eagles live during our drive.  Ironically the last time I traveled was a girls trip to Vegas in October 2019 to see the Eagles live in concert.  I never ever take a shuttle, but mom was a little worried about me driving alone to St. Louis, since my chemo has caused some dizzy spells lately.  So I relented and took the bus.  And that music was my way of knowing this was what I was supposed to do.  

Had an easy great ride to the airport and an easy flight as well.  My driver was waiting for me in Tampa to take me to, what I could only describe as a mansion on the beach.  We pulled up and I was in awe before I could even get into the giant house! One of my wonderful friends, Tara, had found us this house and booked it for us.  As I went inside and explored the three levels of pure beauty, I thought I might be in a dream.  I have never been in a house like this, let alone stay in one for 5 days!  It had 3 levels with a freakin elevator ya'll.  Craziness!  Each of us had our own bedroom, bathroom, and balcony and the bottom level was a giant pool and hot tub and patio.  At one point while exploring I thought I must be dreaming, for reals!  I arrived about 6 hours before the rest of the gang, so I changed out of my Missouri clothes and into my Treasure Island clothes and down the beach I went for my daily walk and then grabbed some dinner at my favorite beach restaurant, Caddys.  Then back to the "mansion" for a little Netflix and down time before the girls arrived.  I was pretty wiped out from the all day travel session.  The girls made it in around 11 and we stayed up talking until 2 a.m.  Something I haven't done in YEARS!!  Then off to bed where I left my balcony door open so I could hear the sounds of the ocean all night long.  Best sleep I've had in at least 3 years or more!  There is absolutely nothing more soothing than sleeping to that sound, in my opinion.  

Day number two started off with a short walk to breakfast and a walk on the beach.  My typical Treasure Island routine.  Then headed out for our Tiki Bar water tour.  Another thoughtful gift by a new friend on the island.  We loaded up the vessel and headed out into the bay.  We saw an amazing display of dolphins dancing right around our boat.  It was magical and beautiful.  Had a great lunch at a cool brewery and the rest of the day/night we just sat around our pool and hot tub telling stories, gossiping and just getting caught up on each other's lives.  It had been so long since we had all taken time out of our busy schedules to do this and I truly believe we all needed this trip badly!     

Day three was more of the same; breakfast and beach walk in the morning and talking and gossiping around the pool in the afternoon.  I  had a huge surprise for the girls for this night.  I hired a professional photographer to do a sunset photo shoot for us to always remember this trip.  We all got dressed up and headed out for a nice fancy seafood dinner, which was delicious.  We then met our guy for our photo shoot.  There are no words to describe how fun it was.  We laughed and hugged and maybe shed  few tears.  I cannot wait to get the final copies, as I know they are going to be something to be cherished forever by all of us.  As we were coming to the end of our shoot something so exciting happened; two manatees came up near the shore and were "getting it on" during our photo shoot.  Our photographer went out into the water waist deep and began shooting the giant creatures and the end results were some beautiful photos of these animals with the pink sky in the background.  He said he had never seen anything like that before and I think he was as excited as we all were to witness such beauty.  Definitely a divine intervention.  I think God put them there for a reason, for us to see the beauty in everything around us.  The most ironic thing about this moment was that an hour before the photo shoot began it looked like clouds were rolling in and it might rain.   He called me and asked if we wanted to cancel and try another night.  But I said no let's go for it.  I know now I was meant to keep that scheduled as the sunset was absolutely gorgeous after all and the manatees were there for us.  

The rest of the trip was more eating, talking, hugging, crying and supporting each other as everyone has things going on in their lives that we, as women, feel like we have to be strong and not talk about.  That it may somehow make us weak or too vulnerable.  But we all let it all out this week and I believe we all helped each other even if it was in the smallest ways.  I truly believe these girls are my soul mates and we will always be together no matter how near or far we are from each other.  The love we have is something that most people never get to experience in their lives and for that I feel like the most lucky girl in the world!  

Back to reality though after an AMAZING girls trip!  Irony at it's best....  We left beautiful white powder that makes people happy and joyful and woke up Tuesday morning to the kind of white powder that makes people grumpy and irritated.... Especially at the end of April.  Are you kidding me right now.  Thanks mother nature for your cruel joke! LOL  

Then yesterday was back in the chemo chair.  You never know what the blood counts are going to do, but I was feeling lucky after my trip and blood counts allowed the chemo.  Once again thanks to God's grace.  I think this trip and all the love I received from the girls has given me the strength to push onward and to face whatever challenges hold for me in the next few months.  The game plan right now is to finish this chemo (#12) and then I am scheduled to have a PET scan on the 4th and will find out on the 5th of May if the chemo is still working and continuing to shrink the tumors.  The hope and prayers are that there are no new tumors anywhere, and that the current ones have shrunk some more or at least have remained stable.  If so, we will talk about a new regimen and to possibly give me a break from this harsh chemo.  So please be saying some big time prayers for me that this is the case and I get a good report on the 5th!  Thank you to all my prayer warriors who continue to support and encourage me.  You are what gets me through this journey with a positive outlook and attitude!  Love to all!  Hopefully will be updating in a few weeks with some good stuff to report!