Sobriety and Heartbreak

There are pivotable moments in everyone's lives that are referred to as "before" and "after".  For some there are several.  Others just one huge life altering event that changes you forever.

For me "before" breast cancer, pancreatitis, and the aftermath of it, all of my "before" and "after" tragic moments seem like stupid trivial events that I should have just let go of, as they, after all, were  not all that tragic.  Just little curve balls in this thing we call life that shape the person you are when you go to your final destination.  I had been, up to the point "before" breast cancer, been very fortunate that I had not had to endure some of the pains, heartaches, and personal true tragedies that others have had to endure.  Life was pretty good.  I sure wish I'd lived it better and more true to myself.  But maybe that is why the "befores" and "afters" must occur.  It is God's way of kicking you in the ass and saying, "wake up stupid, your life is passing before your eyes and you're not living your best one".

Breast cancer, pancreatitis, and the aftermath that comes with it is not for the faint of heart or for the weak.  For the person going through it, it is hell and the struggle is one I do not wish upon my worst enemy.  Both physically and mentally the toll is so great that more times than not, that person will do a complete 180 in every aspect of their life.  I for one, have changed totally.  It's hard to explain all of the ways, but the change is life altering for me.  For the person who promises to love and never leave, who is standing beside and watching this happen to their loved one, sometimes can be just as hard for them.  They do not understand what has happened to their "fun Kristy".  They cannot comprehend how you have changed so quickly overnight.  And they cannot handle it and they eventually leave.  Leaving you with just another piece of your "before" cancer life that this terrible disease has stolen from you.

"Before" all of this fun stuff happened to me, when a relationship ended, the "before" Kristy would have went straight to the bar, drank enough to kill a small animal, and picked up the first willing victim and slept with them.  I know, I know.... that is not how to handle "tragedy".  But this is what I did.  This is how I handled everything in my life that was too hard to face head on.  Get drunk.  That takes all of the feelings away and you do not have to deal with them.  Because being emotional and showing raw feelings was just not acceptable to me in my mind.  So I drank.  I drank when I was sad, I drank when I was happy.  I drank a lot.  To me, at the time, it didn't seem like a lot.  It was just a way of life.  The "norm".  At least 4 nights a week, and at least 4-5 drinks a night.  No big deal.  This is what everyone does.  All of my "friends" are doing it.  They're right there in the bar with me.  Drinking, laughing, and forgetting.  In reality, and in the light of day, and looking back into the "before", I would call myself a social alcoholic.  I didn't see myself that way back then.  I didn't drink all day.  I didn't drink every day.  But boy when I did drink I turned into someone that, looking back now, was a barely tolerable person in the moment of drunkness.  My ex called me fun Kristy.  Wanted to know where she went.  He missed fun Kristy.  But, that wasn't fun Kristy, or real Kristy, that was drunk Kristy.  Kristy who was hiding all of her feelings and emotions so she didn't have to face them.

Sober Kristy... Or "real" Kristy as I say now is actually quiet, shy, and very insecure.  I can look back now and realize I started drinking when I was in 8th grade, (yes... 8th grade!) about the time a person starts to feel like they need acceptance and will act out in any way to get attention.  But being a very shy, quiet person, the only way I knew how to do that without feeling insecure was by drinking.  So problem solved.  Any time a social gathering would happen, so would a little drinky pooh.  And from that moment on "fun Kristy" made her grand appearance and would be lingering for the next 30+ years.  And as I got older, there were more social gatherings and then you add in life (because in 8th grade, lets face it, there's not much to be worried about).  And then you add in all the little curve balls and each time you just add a drink.  Until it became my norm.  Drink and move on.  No need to face it and deal with it.  No need to accept any responsibility.  Just have a drink and it all goes away.

It seems crazy to me because I thought I had to be drunk and drinking for people to like me.  I thought I had to be that wild, drunk, crazy person to fit in.  Come to find out that if a person truly loves you, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or sober, quiet or loud, they still will love you the same.  And if they don't, then they probably never loved you to begin with.

So here I am, in the "after".  Facing yet another bump in the road.  My fiancé has left me for someone who could be his child.  He does not love me any more, because of the "after" person that I have become.  Because I am no longer "fun Kristy".  And I am having to face this one head on.  Sober.  No booze, no wacky weed, stone cold sober.  It was in this moment late last night that I realized all of the revelations above.  Because all I really have wanted to do since Sunday was drink, and drink and drink.  I wanted to forget every moment of the final moments of that morning.  I wanted to forget every trip, every big life event, everything we had ever done.  Because memories HURT! And the only way to do that is to drink or get high.  I am no longer allowed to partake in either, or I could die (per my lovely doctor and my pancreas).  So here I am doing all the feeling, hating, loving, missing, someone who has been the biggest part of my life for the last 6 years, knowing that it is over and I will have to get through this somehow.  Even now I'm not sure how I'm going to get through. I just want to drink it all away!   I've cried so much my eyes are screaming, STOP.  I've cried in public, in front of people.  For those of you who know me well, know that NEVER happens.  To let someone see my emotions, no way.  Another effect of the "after".  When you are sober, everything comes at you hard and clear and there's no running away from your feelings.  You just have to let them happen and feel them.  This is the only way to heal.

So here I am.........  The "after" Kristy.  Single at 47.  Starting over .... AGAIN.  Sober.  Quiet. Shy. Insecure. And not a clue in the world how I'm going to make it through this, but I just know that I have to.  The alternative isn't an option.  Friends say you've got this.  You beat cancer.  You can get over a stupid boy.  But right now I do not have this and he wasn't just a stupid boy.  He was someone that I love.  And when you lose someone you love, whether through breakup or death, it's still a loss.  A loss that I will be reeling from for many many many months to come.

Heartbreak and Sobriety .....  someday I will be referring to this as another "before".  That is how life works.  Throwing pivotal moments at you to mold you into the person you will be in the end.