Statistics Can Suck It!

 Two years ago an oncologist walked into the examination room and told me that I would not see more than 3-6 months of life.  Two years ago my life forever changed. I had already been changing and evolving and reeling from PTSD from the prior two years of battling breast cancer.  I had finally thought I was over the cancer battle, only to be walloped again by this giant hit.  The final hit, it would seem.  

The first year was spend in preparation mode.  Preparing to die and fighting to live.  Everything that was done in the first year after my diagnosis was with full intention.  Every little thing was planned out and was done for a purpose to serve the ones I left behind with information and memories.  All the while, in the back of my mind, preparing at any moment to die.  With each doctor's appointment, blood draw, and scan, holding my breath and praying for just one more day.  I would smile and say everything is all good. I did not want to burden anyone with my fears.  I counseled other people in my shoes, or I just lended an ear to ones who needed to vent about this awful illness, for we are the only ones who truly knows what this feels like. Helping them helped me to deal a little better also.  I went on trips and had lots of gatherings with friends and family.  All the while the fear was eating me alive inside.  

Year number two has been nothing short of amazing. Amazing?  What?  I know right, I'm dying....  But aren't we all?  It has been said you begin dying the moment you are born.  Sounds about right if you think about it.  You will never be any younger, more loved or healthier than you are at that moment.  There is only one who knows the moment each of us will cross over.  I truly believe I am still here for a reason and it is a miracle.  Most people who get that 3-6 month speech eventually do, sadly enough, meet their demise within that time period with this type of cancer.  It is vicious.  I have had many friends pass on from my support page and each one takes a toll on my mental wellness.  

Somewhere in year two, I'm not exactly sure when, I found peace.  I let go of the fear and anxiety that I felt in year one.  The fear that every day was going to be "the day".  And I am living one day at a time.  I let go of all of the anger I felt towards people who have hurt me.  A word of advice.... Do this in your life and I promise you that it will make you feel more peace than you ever have felt.  Was it easy?  Hell no!  My foolish pride is a vicious thing.  I made amends with some and moved from anger to friendship again.  Friends who have abandoned me, which I carried such a hard heart for over the last few years, I finally let that go. I referred back to a piece I had read several years ago about friendships and how they come in and out of your life; some for a reason, some for a season, and then the ones who really have your back, for a lifetime.  Those are the people that have stayed around and supported me through all of this mess that I am.  Ones who made the effort and took time for me when everyone else deserted me. I love you dearly my lifetime friends, you know who you are! 

In year two I also slowed down - A LOT!  Learned self care and how to rest my body when it is screaming I need you to rest.  In year one I was in a race.  A race to "get everything done" before.... Now I'm taking life not at a sprint, but hopefully a very long marathon.  I still do everything very intentionally and plan everything with a purpose, but now more at a leisurely pace.  Picking and choosing things that really seem to matter and will give me peace and purpose and to create memories with the ones I hold closest to my heart.  

I still have one demon I am trying to tackle.  There is one person so close in my heart that has seemingly disappeared and doesn't seem to care much about what is going on that breaks my heart daily.  People closest to me know how hard this one is.  I had lunch with a very dear friend last week and we discussed this at length.  He always could read me so well and could tell this was weighing very heavily on my soul.  He quoted from the Bible that "a man shall leave his mother" and this was the way it should be, which made me feel a little better, as he always does.  But there are conversations that need to be had, that I am afraid may never happen.  I say a prayer every day that this person may come back around and to find a way back to me.  I know this is something out of my control and I just have to let it go for my own sanity and health.  I cannot let things out of my control eat away at me.  This is something I have worked very hard at during year number two.  

So here we are, going for year number three and with God's grace, way beyond!  My life now is living from scan to scan every two months and praying it doesn't return.  But I will take that life, as it has given me so much clarity and many blessings. Without this battle, I would have never ever become the person I am today.  I know it sounds crazy, but I am thankful for having my eyes opened in a way that most people will never experience and it is a blessing.  

I have a scan the Monday after Thanksgiving, the 28th.  I would ask for my prayer warriors to say a special prayer for me at your Thanksgiving celebrations this year for another "stable" scan for me and for all of you to be extra thankful this year for your health, for without it, your life would be forever changed!   Until next time, love you all and have a very happy holiday season! 

Thanks For The Memories!

 I have not always shunned the beginning of fall as I do now days.  In fact, in my younger days I loved fall and all that it brought with it.  The cooler days, bon fires, hoodies, post season Cardinals, and SOCCER. My shift in my feelings for the love of fall is the direct result of the evil beast within me.  Every cancer diagnosis I have gotten, 3 to be exact, have been in the fall.  Ironically enough, all around the same time.  So when fall rolls around, for me, it makes me wonder what fresh hell is coming for me this year.  I know that’s a negative spin on things, but if you were in my shoes, you might feel this also.   I also realize I should be celebrating another season has past and I am still here fighting my ass off!  And believe me I am so very grateful for that.  I do not ever take that for granted.

Lately my Facebook memories have me up in my feelings like crazy.  I think they do every year, but this one seems different for some reason.  They are mostly of days gone long ago, although it seems like yesterday, of Britton and his soccer games.  Oh how I loved going and watching that kid play!  And for almost 15 years, every fall was soccer season for this Big Time soccer momma!  That was my life.  Of course we would throw in some post season Cardinal ball games also just because, well, yolo!   I’ve always had that motto, even long before my cancers, and I am proud to say I believe I had fully instilled that into Britton.

I think I’m more up in my feels this year also because of the awesome thing that is happening with the Cardinals this season and the end of the Big 3.  I know it’s crazy to get a little emotional over such a thing, but when you and your only child have watched these guys play since my almost 30 year old baby was just a toddler, well it gets me a little teary eyed.  It’s an end of another great era for both my Cardinals and my baby boy.  Britton being 30 soon seems very unrealistic to me.  I feel like I should be older, feel older, but I don’t.  I still feel 30 myself….. somedays!  Haha! 

Last night while I was fast asleep (thanks Apple+ and baseball) since I couldn’t watch the game, and well if I’m being honest I probably couldn’t have stayed awake anyways LOL, the great Albert Pujols hit #700! Another milestone I have gotten to be alive to see!  The only thing better would have been to have watched it with the boy.  Britton and I have followed him since he came on the scene as a rookie and started doing amazing things.  We checked him out on the Cardinals Caravans, followed him to Jupiter 3 years, two with the late great Scott Sander 💝, Disney World (while playing in a world soccer tourney of course), World Series and post season games and hundreds of regular season games over those last 30 years. And while we did get angry when he left us and we made the #5 in our jerseys into dollar signs, the duct tape was swiftly removed this year when he returned home where he belonged. LOL!  Britton has had many encounters with Albert over the years.  Memories we have made together that will never ever be forgotten.  Thus the emotions this year as the Big 3 make their final appearances.

   

In Jupiter that first year we went, that dedicated and excited child had scoped out where Albert had signed balls the previous game. The next day he insisted we get there 4 hours early.  He sat in that corner he had scoped out the day before for 4 hours just waiting to get to talk to Albert and get his signature, and his persistence paid off! He was the first one to get his ball signed that sunny beautiful day in Jupiter, Florida. 

                                   

A sunny Sunday in 2004, Britton was at the game and was playing a little pregame activity in the kid’s area and ended up with a HUGE prize.  He got to go on the field that game and hand Albert his player of the year award.  Of course at that time, that was every Cardinal fan’s dream, old and young alike!  Who knew what this would mean almost 20 years later.

                                 

A year later at a game in Kansas City, the Royals v. Cardinals, after the ballgame, Briton was on a mission to find out where Albert would come out.  He was convinced he would come back into the stadium somewhere after the game to say hey to his old college buddies.  And sure enough we walked around that stadium until we saw some guys gathered around a door and Britton exclaimed, “See momma there is his wife and his buddies”.  And I’ll be damned if it wasn’t and about 10 minutes later out pops Albert.  Gives his wife a kiss, and starts high fiving his buddies.  My brazen kid steps into the middle of all of that and says, “Hi there, do you remember me?  I gave you your award last month”.  Of course you could tell he had no clue but like the class act that he is, Albert patted him on the head and said, “Of course I do little buddy”.  He signed a ball and away we went with my little boy beaming from ear to ear. 

I tell you what, I wouldn’t trade my past with anyone.  Those moments with my only child where I had the opportunity to make him smile from ear to ear are priceless.  I sure hope he feels the same way.  So when something as memorable as what is happening this year with the Big 3, I can’t help but feel all of those memories flood back with huge emotion, not so much because of what they have done, but what part they have played in the memories I have had while being in their presence.

   

When you are in my unique situation, these kinds of seasons are amplified.  They are cherished more.  Because I have a mindset that is “I get to”.   And nothing that I do now is taken for granted.  As I meticulously pick and choose what I do and who I do it with.  For this is a time to make all the memories I can with the people who will someday I hope, 20 years from now, cherish them as much as I cherish all of my memories. 

I know I haven’t updated in a while….  There is pretty much nothing to update really.  Which is good and also frustrating.  Both my Columbia and Mayo doctors agree that the cancer is back and growing.  It just has not shown its horrible ugly face again yet on the scans.  So for now, status quo and moving along and making memories like crazy!  I still pray every day and hope like hell that my trending upward numbers is somehow just a fluke and the chemo pills are still working, but in reality I know that is a long shot.  But at the same time I’ve beat the odds thus far!  We are coming upon 2 years since my diagnosis.  That’s a long time in pancan years my friends and I am so grateful and blessed for these bonus months! My next scan will be this upcoming Friday, and like always, please tons of prayers for the scan to remain stable once again.  I do believe in my prayer warriors and believe that it works, so keep on doing what you’ve been doing out there my warriors!  And as always make the memories today for tomorrow is never promised! Lots of love to you all!

One Year ... I'm Still Here!!

 June 1st marks ONE YEAR, 12 whole months of my bonus life! 

I'm going to try to celebrate just a tad, without jinxing the whole thing!  

For those of you who haven't been on the crazy train for the full four years of fun, 18 months ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  I asked my oncologist (mistake BTW), how much time do I have.  He replied very matter of factly "3-6 months".  That was 18 months ago.  Anything past that 6 month mark is referred to as my "bonus months".  What an amazing gift those months have been. 

With that as my background, I feel like I am worthy of giving some advice.  When I hear the song by Tim McGraw, "Live Like You We're Dying", I tear up a little bit.  I am living that song and I would definitely download it and listen to the words and think long and hard about what it says and means to you. I have, in the past 18 months, learned a lot about life, love, time and God and I would love to share some of my insight and lessons I have learned during this life altering year.

First and foremost, get your shit together.  No seriously, I know the thought of dying is not a top priority nor something you want to think about AT ALL!  But I'm telling you right now, if you really think about it and put yourself in my shoes, things will come to mind you never ever thought about before.  The first few months after my diagnosis I was a mad woman, checking off a list like crazy, trying to get everything I wanted done..... Before.  Of course there is the practical things, such as TOD, POD and naming beneficiaries on your vehicles, bank accounts, retirement accounts and life insurance, and taking care of getting the house put in a joint name.  If you google the subject there are very helpful checklists and websites to guide you through this process.  That was the easy part.  Something everyone over the age of 18 should do.  Then the thought process kicked in and there wasn't a list from the internet for the next step.   I bought a plastic file folder and files, then I  had a good long cry and a brainstorming session with myself.  What do I want in my "death" box.  What do I want my family to read, see, have, if the horrible doctor's prediction were to come to true. When you really check in and get real with yourself that list will be a mile long.  I worked for 3 months checking things off the brainstorm list.  This is not a bucket list mind you, these are just words you do not want left unsaid and things you do not want to go unseen, items important enough to be in that small plastic box.  Special gifts for your unwed children on their wedding day, possibly a gift for a grandchild who has not made it into this world yet that you may never meet, letters to the most special people in your life, videos, books, etc. all "just in case".  These first three months, and this first step, was the hardest thing I have ever done, but at the same time it was the most freeing thing as well.  I did the hard work and got my "shit" together.  It was sad but at the same time very liberating, as I now know that most of what I want said and seen are completed and I will not be left with I wish I would have said or done that. My family and friends hate it's name, but isn't that what it is?  This whole first process helped to me to move on and be able to LIVE my life without always thinking about things that need to be put in the box.  I honestly think everyone, sick or well alike, need to take this journey and prepare a "death" box, or whatever you chose to name it haha!  You will be amazed at the peace you will find when it is completed.  Of course as the months and years go on, I do think of things to add to it, but for me, I am at peace knowing it's there and finished.

Next came the "bucket" list.  Moving into month 4 of the unknown, I made my bucket list, knowing quite well I would not be able to check several of them off, not just because of a time frame, but because I am not a wealthy person.  Just paying the deductibles and co-pays every year eats up most of my "extra" money.  But I still made the list and put every single thing on there I could think of.  Mind you, at this point that 3-6 month time frame was still fresh in my mind and I was on month 4, but just having everything on the list and saying "someday" makes me feel hope that there will always be a "someday"  to those outlandish items on the list! Hope is one of the drivers of my persistence to never give up.  As long as there is hope, there is life!  It is amazing how many of the items I have actually been able to check off the list and what is more amazing, how the list and my priorities have changed in the last 18 months!  What was once seemingly very important now seems like wasted time.  

Time..... There is absolutely nothing more important than time.  Wanting and craving more.  And spending every single second loving the fact that I am alive.  No longer do I moan and groan over obligatory dinners, lunches, attending events.  I now know that I GET to do these things and I am BLESSED enough to be able to do everything that I do with either close friends or loving family members.  There is nothing in this world more special and being able to spend time with people who genuinely love you!  Over the past year I have been gifted time.  Time with a group of women who I couldn't love more if I tried.  We have really pushed the envelope and opened our calendars up over this past year in order to spend so much more time than we have in the past.  I had an amazing realization this past weekend at one of these special lady's daughter's wedding.  Our group, as we coined this weekend, the "fabulous five", have been friends since grade school.  Have we had our little confrontations, absolutely!  But somehow our love for each other has stood the test of time like no other.  One of the husbands said "I've really never seen anything like it".  And he is right, I don't think there is anything like the love we have amongst the "fab five".  I've always been quite open about my lack of luck in the love department, but it hit me this weekend, that love comes in all shapes and sizes and I'm pretty sure that we have hit the jackpot in the love department!  I'm not sure why I haven't noticed this before.  Maybe it took an outsider who attended the wedding with me, seeing his realization of our great bond, made me realize it for the first time just how amazing and special this thing is we have!  I hope and pray every day for more time with them, trips, lunches, dinners, weddings, etc.  All the things that we once all seemed a little less committed to but if nothing else, this thing of mine, taught us all how to open up the calendar and give a little more time.  

Then there is time with family.  This one gets me a little choked up, as there was so much, I mean a massive amount, of time wasted.  Wasted on sitting in a bar drinking instead of spending that precious time at family gatherings, ball games, concerts, or hell just visiting every once and a while.  I think this one eats at me the  most.  It's one of my regrets.  It's one of the biggies that I allowed alcohol to take  from me.  If you have a loving family and they are trying desperately to connect with you, make time for them!  Clear the calendar.  Make a "family date night" if you have to and put it on the calendar.  My sister and I, for probably the first time ever, are so close and I love her so much.  I have been absolutely blessed beyond measure to have had these bonus months to spend time with her and her family.  I believe things happened in the past few years happened so that we would have the time to become close like sisters are supposed to be.  Also time with my mom.  She stays with me and we have had a year of bonding and bickering (LOL) that has been amazing.  I've seen my daddy and talked to him more than ever in the past year as well. Family time with my extended family.  This year for New Years Eve I spent it with them, for the first time since I was little.  It was such a fun night!  In the past I was too busy getting drunk somewhere else and ignoring the fact that time was racing by and the chance to form these amazing and loving bonds were racing by as well.  I'm again so amazingly blessed to have given this time to make up for some of those many missed family bonding opportunities.  So if you get the chance to spend time with loving family or amazing beautiful close friends, don't put it off, clear the calendar and just do it!  

Pictures and Videos........ Here is my two cents, take all the pictures!  I know I drive people insane with my "let's take a picture".  But I promise you, one day you will be saying "I am so glad we took all of those pictures".  Be that person!  "Let's take a picture"!  Because one day that will be the very last picture you took of someone and it will become the most cherished photo ever.  And you never know when that may be, so again... Take All of The Pictures!  Be that pest!  Someone will thank you someday.

Faith....  I was raised in a small Southern Baptist church in Clifton Hill, MO with my full family always present on my dad's side.  I loved those Sunday's when my grandma and grandpa would load my sister and I up in the old pickup after church for lunch and a day of fun with them.  As we got older we transferred to a local church in Moberly, MO where I spent most of my junior high and high school years in the church with my youth group or the nursery rocking babies.  I always attended church camps, and in fact that was where I was saved.  Sweet Springs Baptist Church camp.  And I was baptized in that church.  My relationship with God after I left home became further and further away, until I meet a man and he was a very devout Catholic church goer.  After we dated a while I started attending the Catholic church with him and his family.  While I didn't understand much of that religion, I loved the after church lunch with the whole family, which took place every Sunday.  After we divorced, I went back to my non-church ways, began drinking even more than ever and pretty much shut religion out of my life.  When people talked about it I ignored it.  Then I was placed in a position at work which put me in direct report of two men.  Both are very Godly men.  I listened a little but didn't think much of it.  But I came to have immense respect and admiration for my direct boss.  He let me vent to him.  He talked to me about God but not in a pushy way but just matter of fact in that was what he believed.  When he retired and I was diagnosed with my second breast cancer diagnosis he gifted me a beach daily devotional.  He was good.  He knew how to get my attention - the beach.  I was at a point in my life where I was needing some major prayers and I started reading the devotional.  Then I started daily prayer and meditation.  I was finding my way back to my faith and then the devastating diagnosis and time frame.  I could have blamed God but instead I embraced faith over fear and anger and began asking for prayers.  I now have a whole army of prayer warriors on my side and I know that the power of prayer works miracles.  I am grateful for the bonus months which allowed me to find my way back to my faith.  

I had blood work done this week for my monthly check.  The important CA19 number that should be below 34, and at one time after chemo was a 9, has been increasing steadily every month since January of this year.  I fully expected the number to increase again, which means the cancer is "waking" up.  But by some miracle the number went down this time!  The first time since January that it hasn't increased.  It only decreased by about 10, but I'll take this as a WIN!  Thank you to all of my prayer warriors for your many prayers!  My next scan is June 28th.  Another big one of course, as they all are at this point.  But I would, as always, appreciate any prayers you can spare on that day.  

Here's to (HOPEFULLY) another 12 bonus months to come and more adventures with the ones I love! 

Warrior.... Um, Yeah I Am!

 I have finally decided to humbly accept that title that people keep trying to give me.  After the week that I have had, I realize that I am so freaking STRONG.  I honestly have no idea how I get up and keep on doing what I'm doing every day.  My only conclusion is I am a WARRIOR, along with God's grace and love, I am able to wake up every day, positive and happy.  It has been a massive emotional and physical roller coaster this week. 

A week ago today I was supposed to head up to my friend's house after work so that we could leave for a long weekend to Nashville Friday morning.  Instead I woke up to my Auggie running into walls because he could not open his eyes.  If you know how much that dog means to me, you will also know the freak out session I had.  Thankfully the vet had a cancellation at 4:00 and so we went to the vet and my buddy had possibly been stung by bees or allergies.  Got him some meds and eye drops and decided I would stay home that night and head to STL the next morning.  

I woke up the next morning and headed to STL to meet up with the girls.  Made it to STL and on the road we went to check off another one of my bucket list items.  This trip was twofold for me, to keep my crazy mind off of the upcoming scan on that Monday and to celebrate Kim's daughter at her bachelorette party.  We had a small snafu and had to backtrack our way (ironically) to Nashville, IL to get the keys to the apartment we would be staying in for the weekend.  For those that know me well know I cannot stand car rides.  I am an airplane chick all the way!  So that detour was a fun surprise haha!  Six hours later we finally made it to our apartment and was ready to start our fun weekend in Nashville! We went to some of the most iconic honky tonks and heard some amazing bands.  The people watching was epic LOL! We hung out with the 14 youngins for a little bit at a distillery, then we headed down to Broadway Street to check out the bands again.  We found out that Nashville is now the bachelor/bachelorette party capital of the US and there were groups EVERYWHERE with very long lines into all of the bars.  Craziness!  Luckily we got to Tootsies early enough on Saturday to get a seat and hung out there for about 6 hours singing and dancing.  Guess who had zero voice on Sunday?  Yep that was me.  Oh yeah and we walked about 15,000 steps each day too.  This lazy ass was all the way straight up worn out upon arriving home Sunday, but mission accomplished, I did not think about the impending scan at all for 3 days!  Here's the tricky part about Nashville.... EVERYONE is drinking..... ALL the time.  I normally can control the narrative and excuse myself when uncomfortable in a drinking setting.  This weekend was a huge challenge for me.  BUT I did not drink! I am so proud of myself! Warrior! 

Monday morning.... up and at em for my 7:45 scan and doctor's appointment.  My tumor markers continue to rise, so I was already thinking things were not going to be good.  Into the tube I went and the scan began.  Afterwards down the hall to see the oncologist.  He stepped into the room and holy moly he said everything still looks good!  He does still believe that the cancer is waking up and growing, but it is still not showing up on the scans, so he said to stay on my chemo pills and let's scan in another two months.  I can honestly say that living life two months at a time is hard, but ya'll keep those prayers coming, they work!!  I am hoping my rising numbers are just a fluke.  But I am also a realist and know it could show up again at any time and those rising numbers mean something.  But I will continue to stay positive and pray!  My doc did throw a curve ball at me and said the Mayo doc had wanted an MRI of my brain, but he really didn't elaborate why.  This kind of freaked me out.....  So we scheduled the MRI at Boone Hospital on Wednesday afternoon.  I went home and pretty much slept the whole day trying to recover from all of the mental and physical activities of the prior days.  Feeling me on this roller coaster week yet? 

I headed over to Boone Hospital for my MRI on Wednesday, nervous as hell, all kinds of things going through my mind.  Why was this ordered out of the blue.  Did the Mayo doctors see something on the CT that MCA didn't.  In the tube again.... this is the lovely machine that sounds like they are jack hammering on your brain.  An hour later out of the tube and off to wait for the results the next day.  Ugh, what a long 24 hours!!  The next day my nurse calls and THANK YOU JESUS...  it was clean and clear and no abnormalities!  Oh yeah and I do have a brain....  haha!  Sometimes these days the way I forget things I was beginning to wonder LOL! 

We rounded out the roller coaster week with a Mother's Day 5k in Moberly that benefits cancer patients in the area.  I was blessed to be able to walk the 5k and spend the day with my sister and her family, my mom, a lifelong best friend, and the best present, my son and some of my "adopted" soccer sons as well!  What a gift! I have also been blessed enough to have been a recipient of the generosity of this organization and it helped so much with deductibles and out of pocket medical expenses.  I was very grateful and will always support this awesome organization.  

I am coming upon my ONE YEAR of my bonus months June 1st! I feel so lucky and so blessed as the majority of pancan patients do not make it to this amazing milestone in their journey.  I am positive it wouldn't be possible without all of the prayers, support and most of all my amazing positive attitude!  Please keep praying for me as I will have my monthly blood check on the 31st and then my next scan will be on June 28th.  But for now I'm trying to live every moment to the fullest and it's been amazing!  

As always, thank you to all of my prayer warriors!  Please continue to do so as I am positive it is working in my favor! Life is short, go do something amazing this weekend! 

Life's Little Jackpots

 When you're given a terminal illness diagnosis and you start to look back on your life and evaluate the greatness of parts of it and the not so great parts as well, you look back at some portions and think damn I've hit the jackpot.  How could things get any better, right?  Like for instance in my reflections of my life the biggest jackpot I could have ever hit was and always will be my son.  He is the one light in my life no matter how dark things are.  Some other major life jackpots are my family, friends, and my work.  These people have never failed me.  Whereas other areas of life such as love, money and health, I was never lucky enough to hit the jackpot with these.  My love life has always been a disaster and I have pretty much always lived paycheck to paycheck.  But that's not to say that I haven't had love in my life a few times or that I haven't pampered myself from time to time either. Oh and let's not even talk about health! haha!  It's just that in these areas I have struggled.  I have friends who have hit the jackpot in these areas, but have struggled terribly in the ones that I have had an amazingly wonderful life with.  Everyone is different when it comes to their life jackpots and everyone will someday reflect on these, just as I am doing now.  And honestly I'm rather pleased with where my life jackpots ended up, with the exception of the health golden ticket.  Nothing can replace your children's love, family and loyal loving friends.  Nor can a company who supports you and has always been amazing could never be replaced either.  I would have, however, loved to have had a lifetime partner, but that just wasn't in the cards for me.  It seems like every time I went all in with my chips the dealer was holding 21.  But that's okay.  Boy did I have fun trying for that win!  LOL!  And as far as money, I see a lot of people with a lot of money and they are some of the most unhappy people I know.  So I'll take my little paycheck to paycheck life and compensate with all the love I have in my jackpot!

Which leads to the most shittiest of my crap shoots, health.  It's been a terrible roller coaster ride for the last four (yes four) years. (I hate roller coasters BTW LOL)  I can't believe it's been that long either.  But the last year and a half have been the worst.  I was told in November 2020 that I would live 3-6 months, only to prove the doctors all wrong on that diagnosis.  In the summer of 2020 all of my doctors were in complete shock as it looked as if the cancer had taken a hike and they were all baffled.  My last two scans have shown "No Evidence of Disease".  Which is a wonderful thing.  And prayers are that I stay in this "state" of my illness for a long while.  But all doctors know that with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, even if you don't see it on a scan, it is still there, just shrunk down microscopic enough that an imaging machine will not pick up the cancer cells.  There is no cure for this disease only management of it, until all of your options run out due to the cancer becoming immune to whatever treatment you have been taking.  For pancreatic patients our options for treatment are also very limited, which is why there should be a major push for more research in this area.  With other cancers there are many treatment options and possible cures.  None for us.  

Anyways, I had to explain that in order to explain how my doctor's appointment went yesterday.  I checked in at the cancer center and got my port accessed and took my normal bloodwork.  Then back to the CT room for my 3 month scan.  I was praying so hard, because my tumor marker numbers have been steadily increasing each and every month with no downward trend in sight.  Laid in the CT bed feeling sick as a dog and praying the whole time.  Then as always was escorted down to my oncologist office area.  The oncologist came in and said he thought the scan looked good.....  YES!  Hallelujah! 

But.... yes there is a but.... In his opinion with my numbers consistently trending upward (just got my results from yesterday and up they went again), in my doctor's words, "I believe more than likely the cancer is starting to wake up again".  Devastation!  I knew this day would come, I just was hopeful that this new miracle drug I have been on would truly be my long term miracle.  And in a way it has been I guess....  it has given me 11 more months than I possibly would not have had without it.  I just wanted more time! So, unless I start to feel really bad again before May 31st, that will be my next scan, and they way he talked he is expecting it to show the cancer back at that time.  I am hoping and praying with all my might that he is wrong, but I also know from enough research and statistics that this drug I am on now gives PC patients just about a year on it before we become immune.  So that's kind of where we are at after yesterday's scan and today's tumor marker numbers.  

So for now, lots and lots of prayers.  I am leaving on Friday for St. Croix with two of my besties!  I can't wait and am going to live the hell out of this vacation and also for the next 2.5 months, so watch out world, I'm coming at ya!  No one knows for sure what the future holds, but statistics don't lie.  Just every once and a while someone gets a miracle given to them.  I'm hopeful that will be me!  In the mean time I'll be living like CRAZY one day at a time and enjoying every single moment I'm given!  

Love you all of my wonderful prayer warriors and please keep up the fight with me.  Maybe I'll just get one of those few and far between miracles.  

Happy New Year?

 I've wrote my New Years blog in my head 100x but haven't been able to put it in writing. I know I needed to though. To get out all of the feelings and emotions that are stuck inside my head until I release them. The crazy thing is, I know that once I do, I will feel peace once again. But for some reason I'm having a hard time admitting, to myself and also the world, all of the anger and fears I'm sheltering deep inside my mind as to what my new year may have in store for me. For some reason in my crazy brain I feel like I don't have the right to be angry, sad or afraid. That I should always be grateful and happy. And if I am not always my seemingly jovial self, I may be looked down upon or worse yet, punished in some way by the universe. For I was given a timeline and yet I'm here. Believe me, there is no one more grateful and thankful than myself for this miracle, but I don't think that I should disallow my other feelings to creep in from time to time.  But I seem to punish myself silently when they invade my thoughts.  Below is where I started this post 4 days ago. 

 As I lay here in bed, New Year's eve morning, I am pondering and praying that the new year will be a good one. I’ve been in a funk for the last several days as the new year approached. As most of the world is getting ready to go out tonight to celebrate their ability to start anew and most having the luxury to be able to simply hit the reset button to change whatever demon has been haunting them, if they resolute to do so, people like myself are wondering if we will even be here again to celebrate the next new year. We instead wonder what fresh new hell we may be brought this year or if God will show us mercy and allow us a year full of clean scans and good blood work.  We do not have the luxury of just hitting a reset button to fix our problems ourselves.  

 

I haven't said much but my last blood work numbers jumped up. They are still within normal, but now only barely. Since then I’ve been living in a bubble of fear. I have tried to push it aside and be happy and enjoy all of the holiday celebrations, which I was able to thank goodness! 

 

I attended two amazing pre Christmas parties. One with my Dogmaster group and the second one was so special that I cried happy tears. My whole entire Moberly group took time out of their busy schedules and gathered at my friend Jeff's new house. It was a very special day for me, even though they probably didn't realize how much it meant to me!  Also, mom and I went to look at some light displays, attended my work Christmas tree lighting and symphony. 

 

Then Christmas Day. It was the most perfect Christmas day I've had in a very long time!  This was the first year in the last 4 that didn't include a surgery or chemo and being highly medicated. LOL! We had one BIG Christmas day at my baby boy's new home. He grilled us all steaks, we opened gifts, watched Christmas shows and played pitch. And I will remember it all for the first time in 4 years!!  It renewed my love of Christmas once again! 

 

New Year's Eve was spent this year in Moberly with my whole extended family. What a wonderful fun time I had! We had lots of good food, played some fun games, laughed and loved! And I felt amazingly blessed. Not once did I want to go drink nor did I worry about kissing someone at midnight.  I had almost my whole family under one roof and the only way it would have been better was if my son, sis and her family would have been there. 

 

Despite all of the many wonderful friends and family gatherings throughout December, in my times of loneliness the fear crept back in and I went back to the dark side of my illness. I’ve been pondering all week how to hit the reset button for myself with my unique situation. 

 

It was in my darkness I realized it is the fear that takes away all of your happiness. If you dwell on your fears you never will allow happiness to enter. And you must live one day at a time, concentrating on the good things and blessings, for no one knows when, where or how they will take their last breath. It could be an illness or an accident, or some other demise. Therefore, I am resetting my button this new  year to live in the moment and take it one day at a time. I will try not to let that fear creep into my mind again like it has this week.  I know there will be times of weakness, but I'm hopeful I can be less fearful and more faithful in this new year!  

 

As always please keep me on your prayer lists and my prayer warriors keep up the good work this year!  January 17th is my next challenge with blood work. Please pray for normal numbers, as they keep rising, pray they go back down!