When The Cheerleaders Disappear....

You have breast cancer....  It's been a little over a year now since I heard those terrible words.  A giant whirlwind.  Most of it I don't remember.  Not sure if it was the good drugs or if my brain has chosen to forget the many painful moments.

I am now living in the "aftermath" of my personal Armageddon.  What anyone who has not had the pleasure of going through a shitty cancer year does not know, is that the aftermath is more awful than the actual event.  This is when you fall into the darkest place you have ever been in your whole entire life.  A time when you should be seeing rainbows, but instead you are under a dark and lonely cloud.

In the beginning stages of the diagnosis out come the "cheerleaders".  People you only knew as colleagues, people you didn't even really know they knew your name, and basically everyone you know surrounds you with love and empowering words of encouragement.  "You Got This".  "You're so Strong".  You're so Brave".... you get the picture....  The cheerleaders visit you, call you, text you, follow your every moment.  They cook for you and clean for you. And at this moment you feel so strong and brave that you feel like you can conquer  anything! I was so blessed to have one of the best support systems out there!  I challenge you to find one better :)  Totally my biased opinion.    

Then come the surgeries and treatments and recovery periods. The "cheerleaders" are still surrounding you with love and encouragement.  And then all of a sudden you're "cured".  You're well.  You're alive!  You made it!  And you finally feel like you are going to get your life back and you can move forward as you were before the big C word was ever uttered.    

The "cheerleaders" all head back into their own lives.  The calls, texts, visits, well wishes become less frequent and eventually stop.  And this is when it happens.  You fall into the deepest, darkest place in your mind that you've ever been.  

You see, just because treatment is over, doesn't mean the torture is over.  No, it just means that there is a new kind of torture.  It lies deep in any breast cancer survivors mind.  Every single day.  You think about breast cancer, every pain or ache you have makes wonder... Is it back??  Your body still hurts from all of the scars and nerves trying to connect.  Yes... still one, two, even three years and beyond your chest still feels like a permanent sunburn has landed on that tender area where your beautiful breasts used to be.  The mourning period for your breasts begins.  The mental torture one inserts into their mind is unbearable.  Most days are just a numb walk through with some glimmers of happiness and hope here and there.  But it is always there.... in the back of your mind.... Is it back???

You can't help but obsess over it.  Try as I may, the obsession is there.  Friends disappear.  I'm sure because they are sick of hearing about it.  Hell so am I.  I wish I could just shut the fuck up about it and move on.  But my brain won't let me.  I'm stuck.  I tend to gravitate toward other survivors, other survivor events and activities.  Leaving my old life and my old traditions and old ways of having fun far behind.  

Back at work now, you walk down the halls... people look at you with pity.  Some ask "how are you", and you can see the look in their eyes like "please don't tell me how you really are, I only asked out of politeness".  LOL  I know that look because I used to do the same thing.  So you smile your fake ass smile and say "doing great"!  When all you really want to say is "my life fucking sucks".  But you definitely can't do that.  They might send you to the funny farm or something.....  haha! 

The "aftermath" is a terrible dark place.  So you if you know a breast cancer survivor, just know that because they are no longer sick, don't look sick, or are not in active treatment, they are more than likely still suffering some level of PTSD from their earlier years of hell.  They probably still pray every single day, "please God, do not let that pain be my cancer back again".  Because the odds have been preached to us.  We know them backwards and forwards.  We know what kind of cancer ours was and what percentage we have of it likely to come back.  We know we were the unlucky #1 in 8 that got this shitty disease in the first place.  We also know now our odds are a #1 in 3 that it's coming back to try to kill us again.  1 in 3.... that's pretty shitty odds.  And we go to bed every single night praying that we are a #2 or #3 in this Russian roulette part of our journey.  

So my words of wisdom for the day is just simply this......  Be kind to our fellow humans out there folks because more than likely they are going through something and a small act as simple as a smile or kind word in passing might make that person's day a little brighter in what might be an otherwise shitty day in their "aftermath".  #bekind 

I Didn't Cry Today!

Nope.  Not one tear.  That's good right?  Or maybe my body just doesn't have any more tears left.  My tear ducts are so swollen that they will not allow one more tear to be shed over this person.  A person who obviously does not want me.  So why in the hell would I want him.  Sounds like insanity to me!  But I miss him.

Today I was forced to shut the radio off in the car after a barrage of songs, one channel after another, played songs that were too hurtful to listen to.  First the Eagles, then Buffett, and the last straw was Kenny.  After all, we were just at the Kenny concert Thursday night.  Yes, we, us, were together at a concert JUST Thursday night.  Knowing now that all the while he was pretending with me, he was thinking about and texting the child.  And I'm sure he was also wishing that it was her standing in my place, drinking and partying, like we used to do.  Like she does.  Like I can't.  So for now, he has ruined my favorite music.

Will I ever be able to enjoy all of the things I love again and not cry?  I assume I will.  I have let him so far into my life that I allowed him to share all of the things I love the most, never thinking he would not be there to always share these.   Never ever occurred to me that I would be left with nothing but thousands of memories of Us together in my favorite places, listening to my favorite music, doing my favorite things.  He promised to love me forever.  But he lied.

The place I want to retire to, is now jaded.  Will I ever want to go back there again?  Will I want to still retire there.

He has ruined it.  ALL of it!!! Because I let him get to close.  I let down my guard and let someone in again.  It had been a very very long time since I had allowed such stupidity.  Stupid me.  NEVER again!

But I didn't cry today!

Sobriety and Heartbreak

There are pivotable moments in everyone's lives that are referred to as "before" and "after".  For some there are several.  Others just one huge life altering event that changes you forever.

For me "before" breast cancer, pancreatitis, and the aftermath of it, all of my "before" and "after" tragic moments seem like stupid trivial events that I should have just let go of, as they, after all, were  not all that tragic.  Just little curve balls in this thing we call life that shape the person you are when you go to your final destination.  I had been, up to the point "before" breast cancer, been very fortunate that I had not had to endure some of the pains, heartaches, and personal true tragedies that others have had to endure.  Life was pretty good.  I sure wish I'd lived it better and more true to myself.  But maybe that is why the "befores" and "afters" must occur.  It is God's way of kicking you in the ass and saying, "wake up stupid, your life is passing before your eyes and you're not living your best one".

Breast cancer, pancreatitis, and the aftermath that comes with it is not for the faint of heart or for the weak.  For the person going through it, it is hell and the struggle is one I do not wish upon my worst enemy.  Both physically and mentally the toll is so great that more times than not, that person will do a complete 180 in every aspect of their life.  I for one, have changed totally.  It's hard to explain all of the ways, but the change is life altering for me.  For the person who promises to love and never leave, who is standing beside and watching this happen to their loved one, sometimes can be just as hard for them.  They do not understand what has happened to their "fun Kristy".  They cannot comprehend how you have changed so quickly overnight.  And they cannot handle it and they eventually leave.  Leaving you with just another piece of your "before" cancer life that this terrible disease has stolen from you.

"Before" all of this fun stuff happened to me, when a relationship ended, the "before" Kristy would have went straight to the bar, drank enough to kill a small animal, and picked up the first willing victim and slept with them.  I know, I know.... that is not how to handle "tragedy".  But this is what I did.  This is how I handled everything in my life that was too hard to face head on.  Get drunk.  That takes all of the feelings away and you do not have to deal with them.  Because being emotional and showing raw feelings was just not acceptable to me in my mind.  So I drank.  I drank when I was sad, I drank when I was happy.  I drank a lot.  To me, at the time, it didn't seem like a lot.  It was just a way of life.  The "norm".  At least 4 nights a week, and at least 4-5 drinks a night.  No big deal.  This is what everyone does.  All of my "friends" are doing it.  They're right there in the bar with me.  Drinking, laughing, and forgetting.  In reality, and in the light of day, and looking back into the "before", I would call myself a social alcoholic.  I didn't see myself that way back then.  I didn't drink all day.  I didn't drink every day.  But boy when I did drink I turned into someone that, looking back now, was a barely tolerable person in the moment of drunkness.  My ex called me fun Kristy.  Wanted to know where she went.  He missed fun Kristy.  But, that wasn't fun Kristy, or real Kristy, that was drunk Kristy.  Kristy who was hiding all of her feelings and emotions so she didn't have to face them.

Sober Kristy... Or "real" Kristy as I say now is actually quiet, shy, and very insecure.  I can look back now and realize I started drinking when I was in 8th grade, (yes... 8th grade!) about the time a person starts to feel like they need acceptance and will act out in any way to get attention.  But being a very shy, quiet person, the only way I knew how to do that without feeling insecure was by drinking.  So problem solved.  Any time a social gathering would happen, so would a little drinky pooh.  And from that moment on "fun Kristy" made her grand appearance and would be lingering for the next 30+ years.  And as I got older, there were more social gatherings and then you add in life (because in 8th grade, lets face it, there's not much to be worried about).  And then you add in all the little curve balls and each time you just add a drink.  Until it became my norm.  Drink and move on.  No need to face it and deal with it.  No need to accept any responsibility.  Just have a drink and it all goes away.

It seems crazy to me because I thought I had to be drunk and drinking for people to like me.  I thought I had to be that wild, drunk, crazy person to fit in.  Come to find out that if a person truly loves you, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or sober, quiet or loud, they still will love you the same.  And if they don't, then they probably never loved you to begin with.

So here I am, in the "after".  Facing yet another bump in the road.  My fiancé has left me for someone who could be his child.  He does not love me any more, because of the "after" person that I have become.  Because I am no longer "fun Kristy".  And I am having to face this one head on.  Sober.  No booze, no wacky weed, stone cold sober.  It was in this moment late last night that I realized all of the revelations above.  Because all I really have wanted to do since Sunday was drink, and drink and drink.  I wanted to forget every moment of the final moments of that morning.  I wanted to forget every trip, every big life event, everything we had ever done.  Because memories HURT! And the only way to do that is to drink or get high.  I am no longer allowed to partake in either, or I could die (per my lovely doctor and my pancreas).  So here I am doing all the feeling, hating, loving, missing, someone who has been the biggest part of my life for the last 6 years, knowing that it is over and I will have to get through this somehow.  Even now I'm not sure how I'm going to get through. I just want to drink it all away!   I've cried so much my eyes are screaming, STOP.  I've cried in public, in front of people.  For those of you who know me well, know that NEVER happens.  To let someone see my emotions, no way.  Another effect of the "after".  When you are sober, everything comes at you hard and clear and there's no running away from your feelings.  You just have to let them happen and feel them.  This is the only way to heal.

So here I am.........  The "after" Kristy.  Single at 47.  Starting over .... AGAIN.  Sober.  Quiet. Shy. Insecure. And not a clue in the world how I'm going to make it through this, but I just know that I have to.  The alternative isn't an option.  Friends say you've got this.  You beat cancer.  You can get over a stupid boy.  But right now I do not have this and he wasn't just a stupid boy.  He was someone that I love.  And when you lose someone you love, whether through breakup or death, it's still a loss.  A loss that I will be reeling from for many many many months to come.

Heartbreak and Sobriety .....  someday I will be referring to this as another "before".  That is how life works.  Throwing pivotal moments at you to mold you into the person you will be in the end.