Fall Definitely Has More Than One Definition

 Today is the first day of fall and it seems like just about everyone is excited about it.  I woke up this morning and let the dogs out and the feeling of the coldness of a cool fall morning stung my skin.  I was not prepared for that! I am used to opening the door to a beautiful summer warm morning.  I then realized my house was freezing also and I had to go dig out my favorite sweater.  These events irritated me and halfway made me mad.  Summer seemed to fly by and I am not ready to let it go, but alas I guess I must.  I don’t really mind fall, in fact, I somewhat like it.  What I don’t like is the reminder that after fall comes the winter and I’m sure by now everyone knows how I feel about that!  HaHa! Then factor in that for the last 4 years in a row fall has seemed to lash out at me and for some unknown reason punish me.  Maybe because it knows that I curse it every year when I feel it coming on in late September.  When something horrible happens, as it has for me, you tend to start trying to blame anything and everything on the never-ending question of WHY ME?!  Even the most absurd reasons. 

 Some of you have been with me from the very beginning of my blog and my many physical “falls”, which all have seemed to occur right in the middle of a Fall season.  From my very first cancer diagnosis in the fall of 2017 with my breast cancer battle.  This lead to a discovery that I have a genetic mutation where I am very susceptible to several cancers, including breast, ovarian, pancreatic, and skin.  This mutation is called BRCA2.  With my breast cancer battle, I had a double mastectomy in January, 2018.  Then due to the BRCA mutation, a full hysterectomy in May, 2018. Add a severe pancreatitis attack in July, 2018 which landed me in the ICU for about a week, and then I rounded out the fall of 2018 in November with a knee surgery for a torn meniscus.  Needless to say 2018 was a terribly rough year for me, as other family and personal issues were there along with the cancer and surgeries.  But I felt like I rose out of the ashes and started January, 2019, full of hope and renewal for a new year and a new me.

 In the fall of 2019, I was showering one morning and felt a lump under my left arm and knew right away without even a thought that it was cancer.  I just had a feeling.  I called the appropriate doctors and was on the biopsy table the next day. Sure enough, my next “fall” was about to take place.  My breast cancer had spread to a lymph node and I would have to have another surgery to remove the lymph nodes from under my arm, 16 of them in all, then chemotherapy called the red devil.  That sounds fun huh?  LOL  It was great!!  After chemo, then 25 straight days of radiation.  Also at the beginning of 2019 is when my fiancé left me and my self-confidence went straight into the toilet.  I remember him saying one night that I looked just like a 10 year old boy.  Let me tell you what ya’ll, after losing your breasts, your ovaries, etc., tons of weight, and your hair, I’m really not sure how I didn’t just give up at that point.  My self-confidence was already in such a place that no one ever wants to visit and then to be told this was just enough to push me about over the edge.  And then 2020 hit and I spent almost a year alone in the house, just my mom and I.  I was too sick to go out from the chemo and radiation and even if I wasn’t feeling terrible, my white counts were so low that I could not risk being around anyone for fear of getting covid.  I seriously thought about giving up more than one time that year. While other people were growing close to their families and significant others and coming together from being locked in, I became more and more depressed and isolated and some days it was almost too much.  Finally in the late summer of 2020, Covid slowed down and my hair started growing and I was ready to slowly get back out there again.  I once again pulled myself up out of the ashes and said, ok God, I get it.  And I started over.  I felt like a brand new person.  More gratitude and love.  I learned how to love and how to show love.  And I knew then what was really important and was going to do the rest of my life with a renewed hope and pathway.  I was dating, going to AA, hanging out with friends and family and just really, for the first time in a very long time, enjoying my life and accepting what had happened to me.  I was ready to give back and join groups and help other women who had gone through the same things I had.  I also received my 1 year sober coin during this time.  My goal for 2021 was going to be to try to start a non-profit branch for BRCA positive peeps who needed some direction on how to navigate this diagnosis and what it all meant.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it, but I had a vision.

 But alas that would not happen.  Instead, in the fall of 2020, after feeling bad and having pancreas problems for almost two years, and seemingly getting worse, and the “fall” of 2021 began.  I was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer, which is cancer in the pancreas that had spread to my liver.  I left the oncologist office the first of November being told to get my affairs in order that I would have no more than 3-6 months to live.  Let me tell you what ya’ll that’s a hard ass pill to swallow.  Especially after all I had already been through.  And yes, the why me’s started and continued for several days.  I started chemo right away.  Gathered as many prayer warriors as I could and we prayed, and prayed, and prayed.  With each chemo session and bloodwork and scan appointments, I seemed to be reacting well to the regime, which was for 6 months, every other week, 56 hours straight of some pretty harsh chemo.  Definitely was no fun at all!  But if it was working I’d take it in a heartbeat.  It meant more time here on earth.  Give it to me doc!  I am now 5 months into what most PC patients call their “bonus time”, which is any time you are alive after the doctor told you that you wouldn’t be.  I am so thankful and I still pray every single day and am still absolutely terrified every single day!  If you see me out and I look like I’m okay, I’m probably not……… but I’ve gotten really good and letting myself forget for just a little while when I’m with friends and family, that my time here is probably a lot shorter than I’m praying for.  But you never know, this chick still believes in miracles!! 

 Now here we are, the first day of fall, 2021.  I just don’t think I can handle one more “fall”.  I am praying for this to be my year of staying upright.  No more physical “falls”, only pumpkin spice, bon fire, sweatshirt wearing Falls!  This, however, is where I get a little scared.  When I was told 3-6 months, my first prayers to God were to please let me at least see all four seasons once again.  To embrace each one and soak in every aspect of that season (even the one I dislike) haha!  And I have done that.  I have lived life like I was dying for the last year and loving and respecting every single season, embracing each one like it would be the last time.  But I’m not ready to go.  I want more seasons and I hope that God hears my prayers when I ask for a miracle to let me live on and to teach others how important it is to live and love like I have this year.  I definitely have learned absolutely what is important and how differently I look at the world and life and for that I am grateful for this journey.  I hope and pray every person learns this lesson in their lifetime, without the consequences I had to face, in order for me to open my eyes to all the beauty on our earth and in all people! I appreciate each of you and please keep me on your prayer chains and lists.  I definitely still need them all to keep fighting this one! Love you all!