The Ghost of Christmas Eve Pasts

Christmas Eve.  Such endearing moments I have stored in my memory bank from this day over the past 45ish years (I don't remember my first few years) haha!  In some ways, Christmas Eve was more precious than the coveted Christmas Day for me.

Oh my goodness, when I was a little bitty girl, my Christmas Eve memories, I will cherish forever.  Our family back then was HUGE.  Tons of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents.  And the whole famdamily would emerge upon my Grandma Rose and Granny Shirley's house in Huntsville, MO.  To this day I still have no idea how we all fit into that house, but we did.  And it was the most magical night of the year.  I can close my eyes right now and conjure up those old memories.  I can put myself right back in that house.  My uncle and aunts gathered around the family room in Grandma Rose's living room.  Uncle George was playing the guitar and my grandma Margaret and aunt Shirley and aunt Hilda were singing Christmas songs.  Eventually we would all join in.  My cousins and I would be playing a game of some sort on the stairs that connected my great grandma's area and my aunt's area together.  We were the older cool kids.  The little ones were upstairs wrecking havoc on my aunts portion of the house, running and screaming and God only knows what else.  Probably sneaking one of the hundreds of homemade treats from the table.  We all ran on a massive sugar high most the evening.  Eventually we would gather around the tree and the presents were, some years, almost as high as the tree.  Everyone always got a gift.  Once the gifts were opened someone would turn on the radio and we would start tracking Santa. We would all change into our pajamas because, of course, we would be falling asleep on our way home later on. Somewhere around midnight it sounded like good ole Saint Nick was making his way into Missouri and all of us kids were in a frantic begging state, we had to get home or else he wouldn't stop!!  Hurry up mom and dad, we have to go! And with our final bit of pleading, the adults would finish up their card games and wrap us kids up from head to toe in our coats, hats and gloves and my daddy would carry my sister and I to the car.  I'm going to estimate that at least 99.9% of the time my sister nor I made it to the highway before we were sound asleep in the car.  We would get home and dad would once again carry us in the house.  Frantically we would put out some cookies for Santa that we had, more than likely, made earlier in the week, and a glass of milk and carrots. And off to bed we would go.  These are the Christmas Eves that will forever be ingrained in my mind as the best days ever.  I loved these Christmas Eves in my early childhood.

In the later years, after grandma Rose passed on, we still had the same routine, but the family got a little smaller, and the gatherings became more rushed.  But they were still magical nonetheless.  It was one of the only times of the year when you still got to see your cousins and to visit and catch up on everyone's lives.   And laugh.... Lord have mercy we laughed so much with each other back then.  Everyone had stories and they were always hilarious.  There were times I would leave there with a stomach ache, not because of all of the amazing homemade food, but from laughing so hard.  One thing stayed the same, my sister and I would still be sound asleep by the time we got home.  But we were too big for daddy to carry us in now, so we had to wake up and walk in.... Oh the tragedy!  LOL!

Then eventually the younger cousins were married and having babies of their own, yours truly included.  Gatherings were harder to plan but somehow we always seemed to make it work and whoever could make it was there.  Most everyone always tried to be there.  I think we all knew that we were living on borrowed time with our beloved Christmas Eve tradition.  So we all made a point to make it as often as we could.  I am so thankful and blessed that my baby boy got to experience as least a little bit of this fleeting magic.

It is said that the glue of the family is held together by our grandparent's generation.  And once they are gone, the family as we knew it is no longer.  No truer statement has been made.  With the loss of my beautiful Aunt Shirley, also came the loss of our magical Christmas Eve tradition.  The cousins are now spread far and wide and families are much too busy to get together like we used to.  Seems so sad to me to let such a beautiful tradition die, but it is a sign of the times.  I am so grateful to have been a part of that generation, as those were truly beautiful times.

The Christmas Eves since my aunt passed away have been spent at home with my ex.  We had began our own traditions.  Christmas pajamas and Christmas movies.  And while it was not the same as Christmas Eves of my childhood and beyond, they were still good.  Quaint, simple and just being together.  Last year we even got the dogs matching pajamas.  *sigh*

And now here we are.... Christmas Eve 2019.... It will go down in the Kristy memory bank as the very first Christmas Eve EVER not spent with some sort of celebration with family, either extended or immediate.  Not a single plan today. Whew my pity party part of one was in full force today for sure! LOL But then I got to thinking, how very blessed I am to have had 47 years of fabulous Christmas Eves before experiencing a shitty one.  Some people go through life never having the best Christmas Eves ever.  And I've had 47!  So this year I'm going to push the Christmas Eve reset button and next year at this very time when I am sitting in my bed writing in my journal, God willing, I can assure you that I will have a new Christmas Eve tradition in place and it will be, once again, magical!!  Maybe it will involve some sand, sun and seascapes... One thing I do know all too well about this thing called life, you NEVER know what it has up it's sleeve for you!

Merry Christmas Eve to all and to all a Good Night 💚

Game Plan for The Great Fuck You Cancer Battle, Part Deux!

Well here we are again... as promised.  Keeping you entertained and updated as best as I can on what's going on in the exciting life of Kristy Lee.  Gosh it's been a while since my last update.  I believe it was right after I found out that my cancer had indeed returned again.  Since the last update there has been a PET scan, chemo classes, radiation consultation, and surgery.  Oh yeah and lots of meltdowns, crying fits, but mostly massive denial.  I think that in my sane mind I know what is happening, but in my insane brain I have decided that if I do not write it down, do not talk about, it is not and will not happen.  But the throbbing pain that radiates down my arm from the giant slice across my armpit and the bandage covering the hole in my chest where my drain was poking out from just a few days ago both tell me otherwise.

I saw my therapist today for the first time since I found the lump and she reminded me of this... one of my greatest coping mechanisms with my last battle was to write and that I should again write often, openly and honestly and just let it all out.  So here we go ….  writing myself out of denial...  maybe...  haha!

First up ... PET scan.  Something I did not have with my first go around.  I'm now thinking that it should be protocol.  Thinking I should have demanded it after I was given the "all clear".  Maybe this shit would have been there then and we could have taken care of it then.  But as with any tragic event in anyone's life you can what if yourself to death and drive yourself insane in the process.  So I have to learn how to stop What Ifing and just accept this is how it is and it cannot be changed.  I'm working on this.  Haven't mastered it yet.  I checked into the cancer center and was taken back into a room, secluded away from everyone.  Yes, no one could be there with me because the nurse was about to pop an IV into my arm and proceed to shoot some radioactive shit into my body and apparently it's not good for, well anyone... BUT yep here they were putting it into ME!  For those of you that know me well, know my anxiety was off the charts at this point.  Thank God for Xanax.  Not even joking...  Sat there for 30 minutes until I was fully "radioactive".  Then was escorted to the scan room where I was shoved in and out of tube for about 30 minutes or so, all the while praying like I've never prayed before that this shit had not gotten any further than my lymph nodes under my arm.  I'm pretty sure I've never been more scared... up to this point at least....  Came out of the scan and went back to see my oncologist.  I felt like I was walking the last mile to the death chamber.  About to learn my fate.  If it had spread it was going to be a very bad day.  My ex was with me and, for a brief moment in time, it was like the "old" days.  Back when I knew I had someone that loved me and had my back no matter what.  God how I wish I had that person in my life now.  It is so hard going through this without the love and support of a partner.  I was hoping this was the beginning of going back to those days... but deep down inside I knew better.  He wasn't coming back just because I was sick again.  And honestly I didn't want him to come back just because I was sick again and he was feeling sorry for me.  But for that brief moment in time it was nice and I was so happy he was there with me.  My oncologist gave me the most amazing wonderful news.   It looked like it was contained to the lymph nodes under my arm.  Thank you God.  Best case scenario!  It's funny how when you get a cancer diagnosis there are times during your journey that you get excited because yes I have cancer, but it's not as bad as it could be.  To a person looking from the outside in, you could possibly seem like a crazy person being excited.  On this particular day we went to breakfast to "celebrate" ….  Yes I have cancer and I am getting ready to go through hell, but not as much hell as I possibly could have been facing....  insanity! So next steps were discussed...  Surgeon appointment made, chemo class scheduled, and radiation consultation scheduled.  Gonna be another fucking fun year folks!  Let's get it started ASAP.  The sooner the better!

Saw my surgeon a few days later and got a game plan for surgery.  Scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving.  Oh goodie, Thanksgiving in the hospital.  This is shaping up to be a great holiday season once again for me.  Ironically enough it was almost two years to the date from my last beginning of treatments.  So yes folks, from here on out I'm guessing Thanksgiving/Christmas will be some major PTSD trigger times of year for this chick.  I'm thinking beach trips for the holidays.  Ha!  Like I need an excuse to want to go to the beach :)

Had my chemo class. Yep this was fun.  It was one meeting I thought would be no big deal.  I went alone. Note to, God forbid, anyone that has to do this particular class... DO NOT do this one alone!  My chemo nurse and I went over a book with about 50 pages of what to expect during chemo, how to's, hair loss, wig providers, etc.  Everything you NEVER want to know about chemo and what it is going to do to my body. Next the chemo nurse wanted me to go to the wig room to pick out a wig.  But I just couldn't make myself do it.  In total denial that any of this was going to be happening to me.  Instead I left there and went home and threw up and cried.  I am still, today, in denial over the hair thing.  I just cannot wrap my head around it.  I cry every time I am drying my hair after a shower.  I know that sooner than later I am going to have to suck it up and accept it, but as of today, still not there.....  I have an appointment with a wig guy on the 23rd, so I guess that will be my acceptance day LOL  or at least my forced day of acceptance.

Saw the radiation doctor the next day.  After chemo class, this sounded like a vacation to Hawaii lol.  Well not really but in comparison, he made it sound like no big deal.  5 weeks of radiating my whole left side of my chest and arm every single day.  But the thing is, I know differently.  I've seen the pictures of my fellow warriors who have gone through this.  The blisters, the red burnt skin that looks like it's going to slide off the bones, the damage to other nearby organs, the heart in particular for myself since they will be radiating right over it.  But I left that appointment with my denial glasses on and said yeah no big deal.  At least today I didn't get a 50 page booklet telling me I would be shitting myself to death, or vomiting like crazy, or massive mouth sores, blood transfusions, ER visits, or 100 other terrible awful things from the day before.

Oh yeah and, speaking of glasses, I also went and got some new glasses as well.  I haven't gotten new glasses in over 5 years.  I wear contacts so usually see no reason to spend moolah on something I do not ever wear right??  Well one of the side effects of this particular chemo is that your tears and pee will be red!  Yes RED.... AND it will "stain" your contacts if you wear them while on this shit.  Are you fucking kidding me???  And yet, yes I am going to allow them to pump this poison into me 4x and pray to God it doesn't damage my body too terribly bad while trying to kill any rogue cancer cells left floating around in my bod.  RED... tears and pee.... denial, denial, denial....  LOL! Too bad it's not Halloween time... I could scare the shit outta people just by crying baaahhaaa!

So here we are.... game plan in place, time for the Great Fuck You Cancer Battle, Part Deux!