Going.... Going.... Gone....

My old life.  My plans for the future.

Tomorrow the house will be sold.  Tomorrow all of the hard work, planning, and saving for the future will be gone.  And for what... I'm still not sure.  I just know that it is sad.

In the perfect world, we were going to live in our house for the next 12 years.  And on the same month as my retirement, the house would also be paid off.  From there it would go on the market and we would pack up and head straight to a condo on the beach with the money from the sale of the house.  Poof... in the blink of an eye.... gone.  Back to being "homeless", broke, and broken and starting over again at 47.  Still dealing with health problems that may or may not ever be resolved.  But for the moment we are monitoring every 3 months and hopefully maybe eventually that pancreas will behave and I can get back to some normalcy, whatever the hell that is!  haha!

Where do I go from here......  I do not know, but what I do know is this, I will bounce back and my future will be brighter than what it was going to be in my old life and my old future plans!

For now, my baby, my son, is buying the house and renting it to me so that I do not have to uproot and suffer through any more changes.  I have had enough changes and challenges in my life in the last year and a half for a lifetime and I am grateful that through this shitty situation, I do not have to go through another one.  I can stay put with my furkids and try to build back the pieces of myself that have fallen apart over the last couple of years.

I am, for the very first time in my adult life, living sober.  I am finding ways to be comfortable with just being still and alone with me, myself, and I.   I have never done this before.   I believe it will help me to continue to grow to be a better person and to just be able to love myself first.  I am learning how to be alone and to be okay with that.  I am learning it's okay to show emotions, be vulnerable, and to let people love you and take care of you.  I'm learning it's okay to demand love and respect and damnit I deserve to be treated with it.  And when all of this happens, I will then be able to love someone else better than I ever have before.  With all the love that my future partner deserves.

For the first time in my life I am not frantically searching for the next relationship.  I am letting each day come at me and taking it in stride.  I'm not planning for the future any more, because I have learned that plans can change in the blink of an eye and you never know what is going to happen.  People get sick.  People die.  People leave.  And you are then left with disappointment and heartache because life didn't turn out like you planned.

So for me, going forward, I am going to live one day at at time.  I am going to get up every day and live my best life for myself.  Live each and every day as if it was my last.  I am going to love with everything I have, because you never know when that love will go away.  I am going to work hard and make the most out of every pay check, because you never know when you may no longer be able to work.  No one really knows what is going to happen today, tomorrow, next month, or next year.  So why not live each and every day in the moment.   By not planning ahead, with any luck at all and God's grace, you will eventually end up there anyways and then you can then look back and say hey I made it to where I "didn't plan on being".

For myself, I am "not planning" on still being on that beach in 12 years and 19 days come hell or high water.  I hope to be married to the love of my life (I know he's out there!).  And to live out the rest of my days walking hand in hand with him until the fairy tale is over.  But in that time between now and then I will live life to the fullest, love with all my heart, and laugh at the craziness that is life, because let's face it you can either laugh or cry and well crying just ruins your makeup! haha!

So for now, onward and upward and live each day like there is no future to plan for!

One. Day. At. A. Time.

Love + Kindness = Hope

Ahhh Summertime....  When Kristy emerges from her winter hibernation and finally removes her butt from the comfy recliner.  haha!  The last four days have been a crazy whirlwind.  I did things that I did not really want to do because I would be doing them alone.... and without booze....alone for the first time in at least 6 years.  I had almost talked myself out of several fun things because I am no longer comfortable going places and doing things by myself.  I used to be able to drink a few glasses of wine before events and then I was okay.  No more wine = Why don't we just stay home.  But I forced myself out of my comfort zone.  I am so very proud of myself and very glad I did.  I came out of this weekend with a whole new attitude and outlook on life going forward.  

From Thursday morning while sitting in the SLU waiting room waiting for my MRI, to this afternoon at Logboat for a CMHS event, love and kindness seemed to present itself around every corner, giving me hope for my future.

Thursday morning while sitting and waiting for my MRI, a mother was sitting in the waiting room with her son.  He was probably my baby's age (26 for those of you that don't know) and was obviously nervous, although trying to act cool.    His mom was there with him and helping him to fill out the forms and trying to calm his nerves without taking away his machoness. All the while I'm sure she was probably worried sick as well.  In the same waiting room, an elderly man sat, looking obviously worried about his wife, who was getting ready to go back for her scans, holding her hand and smiling through his worry, telling her everything was going to be okay.  Love was present in that room.

Thursday evening I had the honor of attending an American Cancer Society Day at the Ballpark Survivor dinner in St. Louis.  The invitees were survivors and their caregivers.  The unconditional love these people had for each other that surrounded me in the room that evening was amazing.  There were men and women of all ages who had cancer at some point and their caregivers were right there by their sides, being their biggest cheerleaders.  There were no looks of resentment on their faces, just love and relief that their person was still alive and with them.  Unfortunately not everyone who goes through cancer makes it out to the other side with their relationships in tact.  I wish my ex could have been there to celebrate with me, but our relationship is one that just didn't survive the ugliness that cancer inflicts on relationships.  So while I was a little sad he was not there, the event made me open my eyes and realize there is hope.  I had with me one of my very best friends since 6th grade, and 3 of my new "pink sisters" that went through an intense cancer retreat with me earlier in the year.  I had love surrounding me at our table.  And at that moment I realized love may have failed me in one way, but is still alive and well in my life in so many other ways.  I realized I need to concentrate on the love and support that I do have and quit dwelling on the one that gave up on me.

Friday evening I attended the Relay for Life event in Columbia.  Once again, survivors and their caregivers were invited around the track and then inside for a survivor and caregiver happy hour.  I didn't know a soul who would be going.  Tried to talk myself out of it several times.  Wanted to drink so badly, but made myself go and do this new sober Kristy thing.  And there it was, starring me right in the face, the love and support of amazing men and women who were there for their person.  There were some husbands wore shirts that said "her fight is my fight".  I'm not going to say I wasn't a tad big jealous of these people who had such a great and strong supporter by their side.  But the love that was shown in the stadium towards everyone gave me, once again, hope.   I ran into friends who had been fighting as well.  I met new friends and learned about new support groups that I could join.  My Healing Chair group was there as well.  I was able to visit with them and I felt the massive amount of support these women were giving.  Even though I had never even met some of them, I felt love from them immediately.  Had I chickened out and not went, I wouldn't have learned about the support groups and wouldn't have met all of these inspiring women.

After the events of the past two days, yesterday morning, I got out of bed with a new attitude.  No more concentrating on what I do not have or what I have lost, but to start being grateful for everything and everyone in my life who loves and supports me.  Get up every day and do what I can do and LIVE.  Just live.  I may need a nap here and there and some days I may feel like shit and have to stay on the couch, but keep on LIVING! So I cleaned the garage out.  I cleaned off the deck.  I went and had lunch with my 95 year old grandfather.  I generously received a new patio table and chairs, to replace the ones that were lost in the "divorce" and my payment will be tickets to the "Pets" movie.  Here's a secret... that's not really a fair payment because I am a weirdo and LOVE that movie series.  I'd pay someone to go with me anyways....  *wink* You know who you are!    I went and listened to some live music and danced.  Without alcohol.  And people let me tell you what, this is so hard for me to do.  It may sound easy to anyone who doesn't have a problem with social settings and alcohol.  For me, it was rough.  But I did it.  And as with any time I see live music, the music healed my soul, even if it was just for a few hours.  I miss my partner in crime terribly bad, but I am no longer going to let that stop me from living my best life and doing the things that I love.  albeit sober....it will get easier, I have no doubt.

Today was up and at 'em.  Day number two of no more mourning and feeling sorry for myself.  I did the grocery shopping.  Then went and bought flowers to brighten up my deck.  I have always planted flowers in the summer and I was just going to forego it this year.  I was just too angry and bitter.   But my new outlook made me go and get my summer flowers.  I grabbed the big golden boy and took him to the park for Art in the Park.  He was bored with the crowds so we went walking.  Along the trail I saw what seemed to be a mother and her son who was possibly a paraplegic.  She had him wheeled up to the railing of the deck overlooking the lake.  She was massaging his head and talking to him in a loving and calming tone.  I thought how hard that must be for that mother to see her son like that.  But she is still there, doing anything she could possibly do to make him happy in some way.  I saw moms and dads with their kids swimming, playing on the playground, and making a new art picture for the fridge maybe. How loved those kids are.  Some parents do not ever spend any time with their children and just put them in front of a computer or game.  I then grabbed my other "kid" and off to Logboat we went to end the day with some food truck tacos and a visit with a few more friends.  The event at Logboat was a Humane Society reunion event, where owners who adopted and saved a dog's life were there.  And in my mind, through the events of today, it was presented to me once again... unconditional love and kindness.  It is out there. From the mom and her son at the lake, to the parents and their kids playing and swimming, to the kind people who adopted these dogs so they wouldn't be killed.

So there you have it folks, Love and Kindness is around us every day.  You just have to be willing to open your eyes and look around.  You will see it.  And when you do, you will have this overwhelming feeling of hope. Hope for our futures, hope for love.  I am going to take the last four day's events to bed with me tonight knowing that no matter what my MRI results bring this week, or what the next phase in my sober journey brings, or whatever else that damn person playing with my voodoo doll may have up their sleeve, I am going to LIVE with this new found hope! Although it would be great if my voodoo doll holder would place it on a shelf... for just a little while! LOL