When you're given a terminal illness diagnosis and you start to look back on your life and evaluate the greatness of parts of it and the not so great parts as well, you look back at some portions and think damn I've hit the jackpot. How could things get any better, right? Like for instance in my reflections of my life the biggest jackpot I could have ever hit was and always will be my son. He is the one light in my life no matter how dark things are. Some other major life jackpots are my family, friends, and my work. These people have never failed me. Whereas other areas of life such as love, money and health, I was never lucky enough to hit the jackpot with these. My love life has always been a disaster and I have pretty much always lived paycheck to paycheck. But that's not to say that I haven't had love in my life a few times or that I haven't pampered myself from time to time either. Oh and let's not even talk about health! haha! It's just that in these areas I have struggled. I have friends who have hit the jackpot in these areas, but have struggled terribly in the ones that I have had an amazingly wonderful life with. Everyone is different when it comes to their life jackpots and everyone will someday reflect on these, just as I am doing now. And honestly I'm rather pleased with where my life jackpots ended up, with the exception of the health golden ticket. Nothing can replace your children's love, family and loyal loving friends. Nor can a company who supports you and has always been amazing could never be replaced either. I would have, however, loved to have had a lifetime partner, but that just wasn't in the cards for me. It seems like every time I went all in with my chips the dealer was holding 21. But that's okay. Boy did I have fun trying for that win! LOL! And as far as money, I see a lot of people with a lot of money and they are some of the most unhappy people I know. So I'll take my little paycheck to paycheck life and compensate with all the love I have in my jackpot!
Which leads to the most shittiest of my crap shoots, health. It's been a terrible roller coaster ride for the last four (yes four) years. (I hate roller coasters BTW LOL) I can't believe it's been that long either. But the last year and a half have been the worst. I was told in November 2020 that I would live 3-6 months, only to prove the doctors all wrong on that diagnosis. In the summer of 2020 all of my doctors were in complete shock as it looked as if the cancer had taken a hike and they were all baffled. My last two scans have shown "No Evidence of Disease". Which is a wonderful thing. And prayers are that I stay in this "state" of my illness for a long while. But all doctors know that with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, even if you don't see it on a scan, it is still there, just shrunk down microscopic enough that an imaging machine will not pick up the cancer cells. There is no cure for this disease only management of it, until all of your options run out due to the cancer becoming immune to whatever treatment you have been taking. For pancreatic patients our options for treatment are also very limited, which is why there should be a major push for more research in this area. With other cancers there are many treatment options and possible cures. None for us.
Anyways, I had to explain that in order to explain how my doctor's appointment went yesterday. I checked in at the cancer center and got my port accessed and took my normal bloodwork. Then back to the CT room for my 3 month scan. I was praying so hard, because my tumor marker numbers have been steadily increasing each and every month with no downward trend in sight. Laid in the CT bed feeling sick as a dog and praying the whole time. Then as always was escorted down to my oncologist office area. The oncologist came in and said he thought the scan looked good..... YES! Hallelujah!
But.... yes there is a but.... In his opinion with my numbers consistently trending upward (just got my results from yesterday and up they went again), in my doctor's words, "I believe more than likely the cancer is starting to wake up again". Devastation! I knew this day would come, I just was hopeful that this new miracle drug I have been on would truly be my long term miracle. And in a way it has been I guess.... it has given me 11 more months than I possibly would not have had without it. I just wanted more time! So, unless I start to feel really bad again before May 31st, that will be my next scan, and they way he talked he is expecting it to show the cancer back at that time. I am hoping and praying with all my might that he is wrong, but I also know from enough research and statistics that this drug I am on now gives PC patients just about a year on it before we become immune. So that's kind of where we are at after yesterday's scan and today's tumor marker numbers.
So for now, lots and lots of prayers. I am leaving on Friday for St. Croix with two of my besties! I can't wait and am going to live the hell out of this vacation and also for the next 2.5 months, so watch out world, I'm coming at ya! No one knows for sure what the future holds, but statistics don't lie. Just every once and a while someone gets a miracle given to them. I'm hopeful that will be me! In the mean time I'll be living like CRAZY one day at a time and enjoying every single moment I'm given!
Love you all of my wonderful prayer warriors and please keep up the fight with me. Maybe I'll just get one of those few and far between miracles.
