Going.... Going.... Gone....

My old life.  My plans for the future.

Tomorrow the house will be sold.  Tomorrow all of the hard work, planning, and saving for the future will be gone.  And for what... I'm still not sure.  I just know that it is sad.

In the perfect world, we were going to live in our house for the next 12 years.  And on the same month as my retirement, the house would also be paid off.  From there it would go on the market and we would pack up and head straight to a condo on the beach with the money from the sale of the house.  Poof... in the blink of an eye.... gone.  Back to being "homeless", broke, and broken and starting over again at 47.  Still dealing with health problems that may or may not ever be resolved.  But for the moment we are monitoring every 3 months and hopefully maybe eventually that pancreas will behave and I can get back to some normalcy, whatever the hell that is!  haha!

Where do I go from here......  I do not know, but what I do know is this, I will bounce back and my future will be brighter than what it was going to be in my old life and my old future plans!

For now, my baby, my son, is buying the house and renting it to me so that I do not have to uproot and suffer through any more changes.  I have had enough changes and challenges in my life in the last year and a half for a lifetime and I am grateful that through this shitty situation, I do not have to go through another one.  I can stay put with my furkids and try to build back the pieces of myself that have fallen apart over the last couple of years.

I am, for the very first time in my adult life, living sober.  I am finding ways to be comfortable with just being still and alone with me, myself, and I.   I have never done this before.   I believe it will help me to continue to grow to be a better person and to just be able to love myself first.  I am learning how to be alone and to be okay with that.  I am learning it's okay to show emotions, be vulnerable, and to let people love you and take care of you.  I'm learning it's okay to demand love and respect and damnit I deserve to be treated with it.  And when all of this happens, I will then be able to love someone else better than I ever have before.  With all the love that my future partner deserves.

For the first time in my life I am not frantically searching for the next relationship.  I am letting each day come at me and taking it in stride.  I'm not planning for the future any more, because I have learned that plans can change in the blink of an eye and you never know what is going to happen.  People get sick.  People die.  People leave.  And you are then left with disappointment and heartache because life didn't turn out like you planned.

So for me, going forward, I am going to live one day at at time.  I am going to get up every day and live my best life for myself.  Live each and every day as if it was my last.  I am going to love with everything I have, because you never know when that love will go away.  I am going to work hard and make the most out of every pay check, because you never know when you may no longer be able to work.  No one really knows what is going to happen today, tomorrow, next month, or next year.  So why not live each and every day in the moment.   By not planning ahead, with any luck at all and God's grace, you will eventually end up there anyways and then you can then look back and say hey I made it to where I "didn't plan on being".

For myself, I am "not planning" on still being on that beach in 12 years and 19 days come hell or high water.  I hope to be married to the love of my life (I know he's out there!).  And to live out the rest of my days walking hand in hand with him until the fairy tale is over.  But in that time between now and then I will live life to the fullest, love with all my heart, and laugh at the craziness that is life, because let's face it you can either laugh or cry and well crying just ruins your makeup! haha!

So for now, onward and upward and live each day like there is no future to plan for!

One. Day. At. A. Time.