Today I chose the later.
When you think you have it bad, just look around, and I bet you will find someone who would gladly trade places with you.
We have an angel tree at work with tags for little kids who need someone to "adopt" them for Christmas. Their parents are going through some hardships and need a little extra help. I always chose two girls, usually between the ages of 4 to 6. Why you may ask. Well we have all boys in our family, so I've never been able to buy the adorable little girl clothing, bows, jewelry, or buy a baby doll or a kitchen set. All the fun things that little girls would love! When I woke up this morning, I realized I basically had today left to shop for my Angel Tree girls before my shit hits the fan. And I definitely didn't want to let them down.
I am so thankful that while I was raising my son, I was always able to provide for him. He never had to stress over where he was going to live or where his next meal was coming from. There are too many children in this world who deal with this problem every day. And even though it's not much, for one magical day I love helping a few kids have a happy moment in what is probably a very stressful life. This tradition has become my favorite thing to do at Christmas.
I pick one day and binge shop for my girls every year. Today was that day this year. It is so much fun and makes me feel wonderful and blessed to be able to help out, even if it's just a little bit. This is what Christmas is really about. And for 3 hours today I forgot about cancer, surgeries, chemo, and my problems, and just imagined these little ones faces on Christmas morning.
I then got home and unloaded my goodies and grabbed the golden boy and headed to the park. I met a woman walking her dog. Auggie, of course, needed to make friends. She and I chatted for a moment and Thanksgiving was brought up in the conversation. I am not sure why, but I was compelled to tell her where I would be on Thanksgiving (the hospital... yippee!). She inquired further and I told her my cancer story. She thanked me for sharing and asked if she could pray for me on Wednesday. Of course I said yes. This stranger then hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. The kindness of this woman filled my heart and soul today with happiness.
I don't know if it was the shopping earlier in the day, the sunshine and warmth of the day, the amazing kindness of a stranger, or the ecstatic way my dog ran like crazy when I unleashed him in the big field, but for the first time in several weeks I felt normal and happy. I think I was even smiling a real smile. Not the fake "I'm fine" one that has been glued to my face since I got the "C" word call again.
And today, for the first time in weeks, I felt like maybe I will be okay. Maybe I will survive all that is about to be thrown at me over the next 5 months. I have been feeling very hopeless before today.
I also know, all too well from the last battle, that this is a temporary feeling and that my emotions will be those of a giant roller coaster. You know the one …. it goes upside down, and spins and eventually you throw up. Yes that is how the next few months will be, but today was a good day! I believe this day was given to me to embrace so that in the months to come I will be able to pull my "sunny Sunday funday" from the archives of my mind and tell myself, you're going to be okay.
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