I know everyone has their own ending, but for me, this year, it's until "the radiologist calls and says your CT shows the tumor is stable with no sign of current metastasis"! That ya'll is my Christmas miracle! I don't need or want another thing except for my family and friends to all be together at some point this holiday season.
Most of you who have followed my journey may or may not realize, but this is the FIRST Christmas in four years I have not been just finished or getting ready for a surgery, or in the middle of or getting ready to start a harsh chemo. Four years of me hating and despising this season. Christmas has been a very hard time for me, along with pretty much every day these last 4 years. Maybe finally it's my turn for a little break.
For the record, these scan results I've been getting are nothing short of a miracle, but the truth of the matter is I will always have stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It will always be lurking. But I have high hopes and expectations for this chemo pill I am currently on. I take 4 chemo pills for the pancreatic cancer and 1 chemo pill to keep the breast cancer away per day. I don't ever feel great, but I suck it up and live my best life!
This year even before my scan, I decided we're doing Christmas like we used to.... BC.... Before cancer and before covid! I got the tree up and dug deep in the boxes for the old decor, the stuff that memories are made of. Handmade homemade handed down ornaments adorn the tree, along with old ornaments from the World War Era. Nope it's not a fancy tree, might even look a little gaudy, but I really don't care! Every time I look at it, a new memory pops into my head. I think it's perfect!
We also, BC, did stockings for
everyone. That hasn't been done in years! I dug them all out and this year all
of the stockings will be hung with care and filled. Just another tradition we
were letting slip away. Nope not this year. This is the year of saving the
traditions. I hope my son and nephews remember them and keep them going. Having
that scan in the back of my mind, thinking this could be my last Christmas, by
golly it was going to be a "normal" one! Just like the ones I
used to know.... I'm trying to make sure it's a Smith traditional Christmas
none the less!
I pulled the names for my angel
tree little girls and shopped till I dropped for them. This is the biggest
blessing for me every year. I wish I had money and could do more! But I know
every year I make two little girls happy which makes my heart happy!
I also have finished my shopping and
the presents are wrapped and already under the tree for fears that the scan was
going to show the worst and I wouldn't have the energy to shop or put up a tree
or anything else if I were to have had to start the hard chemo again.
I've already been to Christmas parties, light seeking at Logboat, Veterans United, the Clydesdale farm, my favorite, Shelter Gardens, the Shelter tree lighting and the Symphony of Toys. I've definitely stayed busy to keep the scan way back in the farthest corner of my mind!
BC I used to make tons of candy
and chex mix. I don't like to brag but the chex mix was so good I made a shit
ton of it and sold it one year. That is the one thing I haven't quite gotten my
strength up to do yet this year. Lordy when Britton was little we would make
cookies and he would decorate them and help me with the candy. I cherish those
memories so much! I just hope I'm here someday to do that with my grandbabies
(hint hint hint) LOL! Maybe I'll get some made this weekend #goals. But don't hold your
breath LOL.
