My carefree days have been few and far between over the last 3 years, as most of you know, through the journey here on my blog. At the time I started this "book", it was just a way to let everyone know about my first breast cancer journey, which I thought would be short and sweet. HAHA.... joke was on me huh? Here we are almost 3 years later still writing. I will admit it helps me a lot to get things off my mind when I write. It somehow helps my brain to process the pain I suppose.
These last two years have seemed like a giant series of ironical events, as I have mentioned in several of my previous posts. Today is absolutely no exception at all. Two years ago today my fiancé came home after staying out all night and announced that he was in love with someone else and was leaving me to be with her. The same fiancé who, a year earlier, after we had been together for 7 years, got down on one knee and proposed right after my first breast cancer diagnosis and said "I want you to know that I've heard this is going to get really hard and I want you to know I will never leave you no matter how hard it gets". A year later, I guess it just got too hard. I didn't celebrate Cinco de Mayo that year either. I only bring this up to make a point. In this moment two years ago I thought that was the worst day of my life. That things could not get any worse. I was absolutely devastated and if I'm being honest, still working on getting over it. But that was the relevance of that moment in time.
Six months after he left I found a lump in a lymph node and was told my breast cancer had returned. All of a sudden being dumped and left alone was nothing compared to what I was about to go through. Over that next six months I went through surgery to remove lymph nodes, chemo, and radiation. At this moment in time, this was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to face, but after all was said and done, I was deemed cancer free and I felt like I had gotten another chance at life. I bought a Jeep, started dating again and felt like I was finally free of my past demons and could go forward living a life of peace, sobriety, and was hopeful for another chance at love. I was ready to start over and do things right .... finally!
Six months later I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was given 3-6 months to live. April 25th was the 6 month mark and I am still here! And yesterday, May the 4th (be with you) HAHA, I walked into the cancer center for another PET scan. This moment in time is a big one folks! I have just finished 6 months of the most grueling chemo there is out there (so I'm told) like a champ, I might add. The current chemo has left me with no feeling in my toes at all and was starting to work on my feet as well as my fingers, so definitely hoping for a break in this regimen. This PET scan will tell the doctors if the chemo has worked or if the tumors are growing and spreading. The hope is that there is either shrinkage or stable results and nothing has grown or spread. Usually you get your results right away when you have a scan, but the cancer center has a new process in place and now you have to wait a day for results. Those 24 hours seemed like an eternity! I spent the evening at a winery with a friend participating in a paint class, painting a beautiful tropical scene, of course. This at least kept my psycho mind at bay for a few hours and my picture is not totally a wreck, so that was a good night in my books.
Today is the day. It was finally here. One that I really thought I would dread and be distraught with thoughts of what had happened two years ago, compounded with the scan results, but instead I did not think about that day two years ago at all except maybe once or twice, and then quickly shook it off. I had other things, way more important things, to think about today. Will I get to add more months to my life or will I be preparing for the end of it? The relevance of a moment in time.... No, two years ago was not the worst day of my life, I just thought it was, because up to that moment it was. Time moves on, things happen, and you forget how much it, at one time, hurt so badly. I begin every single morning with the Serenity Prayer and end my morning prayers with a little meditation. Sometimes I repeat this routine several times throughout the day. I pray every single day that this will just be another painful moment in time and that someday way into the future I can look back at and thank God he spared me. That is my hope and prayer. Although I am not naïve at all and I know the statistics and the chances of that are slim. As of right now there is no cure for PC, but only to contain it and extend life some, yet I still have hope and I still believe in miracles! If they can find a Covid vaccine so quickly, maybe the scientist and doctors out there are on the cusp of a new drug to help all of us suffering from this awful diagnosis!
Today in I go to the center. Blood draw first, as always. Feeling like I'm going to barf, cry, scream, yet all I do is sit there waiting for Dr. I to come in and give it to me straight. And yes, drum roll, today my scan showed a 50% reduction in the pancreatic tumor from the beginning of my diagnosis in October. The scan also still shows no growth or new tumors anywhere else. This is what we have been praying for at this stage of the game! So now I will begin a daily chemo pill call Lymparza. It is pretty new to the treatment scene a VERY new to the treatment of pancreatic cancer. While this pill is only effective in about 50% of the people, it was developed to target people specifically with the BRCA mutation. Hey look everyone FINALLY the BRCA gene gave me something positive to look forward to! HAHA! So I am very hopeful that this pill will work on me. Please say prayers for me that it will. The doctor told me that if it does work, it could possibly buy me 6-9 more months and then when it quits working, back to the chemo room for hopefully more time. Side effects seem to be, from people I have talked to that are taking it, exhaustion and some nausea, but I'm hoping for minimal side effects. But, if I have to have side effects and it works, I'll take it.... anything to extend my life, hopefully long enough for someone to discover a cure!
Thank you to all of you who are supporting me any any way and my prayer warriors! Please keep me on your prayers lists indefinitely, as this is just one battle won in this moment in time with a very long (hopefully) war ahead! Much love to all of you!
