Two years ago an oncologist walked into the examination room and told me that I would not see more than 3-6 months of life. Two years ago my life forever changed. I had already been changing and evolving and reeling from PTSD from the prior two years of battling breast cancer. I had finally thought I was over the cancer battle, only to be walloped again by this giant hit. The final hit, it would seem.
The first year was spend in preparation mode. Preparing to die and fighting to live. Everything that was done in the first year after my diagnosis was with full intention. Every little thing was planned out and was done for a purpose to serve the ones I left behind with information and memories. All the while, in the back of my mind, preparing at any moment to die. With each doctor's appointment, blood draw, and scan, holding my breath and praying for just one more day. I would smile and say everything is all good. I did not want to burden anyone with my fears. I counseled other people in my shoes, or I just lended an ear to ones who needed to vent about this awful illness, for we are the only ones who truly knows what this feels like. Helping them helped me to deal a little better also. I went on trips and had lots of gatherings with friends and family. All the while the fear was eating me alive inside.
Year number two has been nothing short of amazing. Amazing? What? I know right, I'm dying.... But aren't we all? It has been said you begin dying the moment you are born. Sounds about right if you think about it. You will never be any younger, more loved or healthier than you are at that moment. There is only one who knows the moment each of us will cross over. I truly believe I am still here for a reason and it is a miracle. Most people who get that 3-6 month speech eventually do, sadly enough, meet their demise within that time period with this type of cancer. It is vicious. I have had many friends pass on from my support page and each one takes a toll on my mental wellness.
Somewhere in year two, I'm not exactly sure when, I found peace. I let go of the fear and anxiety that I felt in year one. The fear that every day was going to be "the day". And I am living one day at a time. I let go of all of the anger I felt towards people who have hurt me. A word of advice.... Do this in your life and I promise you that it will make you feel more peace than you ever have felt. Was it easy? Hell no! My foolish pride is a vicious thing. I made amends with some and moved from anger to friendship again. Friends who have abandoned me, which I carried such a hard heart for over the last few years, I finally let that go. I referred back to a piece I had read several years ago about friendships and how they come in and out of your life; some for a reason, some for a season, and then the ones who really have your back, for a lifetime. Those are the people that have stayed around and supported me through all of this mess that I am. Ones who made the effort and took time for me when everyone else deserted me. I love you dearly my lifetime friends, you know who you are!
In year two I also slowed down - A LOT! Learned self care and how to rest my body when it is screaming I need you to rest. In year one I was in a race. A race to "get everything done" before.... Now I'm taking life not at a sprint, but hopefully a very long marathon. I still do everything very intentionally and plan everything with a purpose, but now more at a leisurely pace. Picking and choosing things that really seem to matter and will give me peace and purpose and to create memories with the ones I hold closest to my heart.
I still have one demon I am trying to tackle. There is one person so close in my heart that has seemingly disappeared and doesn't seem to care much about what is going on that breaks my heart daily. People closest to me know how hard this one is. I had lunch with a very dear friend last week and we discussed this at length. He always could read me so well and could tell this was weighing very heavily on my soul. He quoted from the Bible that "a man shall leave his mother" and this was the way it should be, which made me feel a little better, as he always does. But there are conversations that need to be had, that I am afraid may never happen. I say a prayer every day that this person may come back around and to find a way back to me. I know this is something out of my control and I just have to let it go for my own sanity and health. I cannot let things out of my control eat away at me. This is something I have worked very hard at during year number two.
So here we are, going for year number three and with God's grace, way beyond! My life now is living from scan to scan every two months and praying it doesn't return. But I will take that life, as it has given me so much clarity and many blessings. Without this battle, I would have never ever become the person I am today. I know it sounds crazy, but I am thankful for having my eyes opened in a way that most people will never experience and it is a blessing.
I have a scan the Monday after Thanksgiving, the 28th. I would ask for my prayer warriors to say a special prayer for me at your Thanksgiving celebrations this year for another "stable" scan for me and for all of you to be extra thankful this year for your health, for without it, your life would be forever changed! Until next time, love you all and have a very happy holiday season!
