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Here I Go Again....

Well this is a post I hoped I would never have to write....  But here I am, back at it again.  I won the 1 in 8 lottery with my first breast cancer diagnosis... and the 3% of the population Lotto with BRCA2.  And now the next lotto has been won....  the 1 in 3 breast cancer survivors that will recur.  The word won is definitely being used sarcastically here! haha Looks like you will be tortured with my horror stories of the continued shitty life of Kristy Lee once again.  Yes, it was originally named Kristy's shitty year, but we are now heading into year number 3.  It seems I may never ever again get a break from whatever fresh hell is waiting for me next.  Not sure what the hell I did to the universe but man it's pissed at me about something!  LOL!

So here we go....  1 in 3... How it began....  Thursday evening I was showering.  Went to shaving my armpits like I always do. For those of you that don't know, after mastectomy and lymph node removal, you have no feeling at all in your chest area and a lot of time under your arms.... All the nerves have been cut.  So when shaving you cannot tell if your getting it all or not so you sometimes have to feel around to make sure.  And this was the moment that will no doubt define my next year, if not my forever.  I felt a mass.  I knew it was something.  Not scar tissue, not a cyst, something was not right.  I got out of the shower and got dressed for bed.  But as expected, I did not sleep much at all.  At 8:03 I had my oncologist on speed dial and luckily was able to get into see him at 9:00 that morning.  Doc checked it out and said, "I don't think it's probably anything to be really concerned about, but let's biopsy it just to make sure".  Uh, yes, lets.  Better safe than sorry is my new rule.  So out of the oncologist office with a 1:00 appointment for a ultrasound needle guided biopsy.  If you recall my first go around with this shit, me and needles do not like each other at all.  So needles shoved in armpit didn't sound like a fun day at all! But nonetheless here we go. PTSD through the roof at this point.  Checked into the outpatient section, escorted back to put on my most favorite outfit in the world... the ugly gown LOL  I am now flopped up on the bed with arms overhead and the first set of needles being shoved into my pit.  Felt great!  lmao!  Thankfully this got me totally numb and all I hear are the clicking sounds of each piece of my armpit being cut out, 5 in all. Hum must have been a decent size.  Bandage up and ice pack applied and out the door I was sent...  We'll call you on Monday, leaving me alone with my paranoid thoughts for the whole long ass 2.5 days.

Today, Monday, phone call day.  Except no phone call.  So I finally decided to call, confident that at 2:00 in the afternoon surely everything was fine or they would have called, right... no news = good news right.  The radiologist got on the phone and said the preliminary results were in and everything was benign, but due to my history they were going to do a few more extensive tests just to be 100% sure. She would call me back once they were done with those.   Ha!  Benign!  Yes!  Relief!  Back to working and feeling okay.  Escaped a tragedy.  Whew!  LOL LOL LOL.... silly me! An hour later my phone rings... it's the doctor again.  "I'm very sorry, but the more detailed samples show cancer in the lymph node."  What?? Wait... noooooo, you said okay, benign, safe.  WTF!!!  At that point the very same numb feeling over came my body that happened just almost 2 years ago when I got the first "you have cancer" phone call.  The blood drained from my face.  I almost threw up and passed out.  Cried a little.

Here I am again, two years later.  Getting ready to make plans to try to save my life from the awful C word once again.  This time the oncologist included terrible words in our preliminary game plan.  PET scan.  To check the rest of my body to see if it has spread anywhere else.  Then chemo.  Then radiation.  ALL of the things that, two years ago, I was so relieved I did not have to go through because my cancer was "not aggressive" and chemo and radiation would not make enough of a difference in my chances of recurrence.  So we did not purse them.  Yet here I am... recurring...  I cannot explain how angry I am... at God, at the doctors, at fate.  It's not fair! How much pain needs to be inflicted upon one human being in such a short time before they just finally give up???

So I'm not sure where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been.... lol....  We'll start off with a PET scan I'm assuming this week early.  I am praying like crazy for this horrible awful shit to have not spread any further.  Then we will get a game plan from there, but it is sure to include chemo and radiation according to my conversation with my oncologist today.  I know it sounds trivial and ridiculous but losing my hair is going to be so devastating to me.  I am so sad, mad, depressed and just in shock at this moment.  And this year, unlike my last go around, it will be alone.  My best friend, my partner in crime, my support person is not going to be here with me and that scares me a lot too.  But I must go on!  I hope that I can make it to the other side of this next massive trial I am about to go through!  And no doubt, if I do make it out to the other side, will once again be a different person with more life experiences than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime.




1 comment:

  1. Kristy, did they find cancer cells in your lymph nodes when you had your first surgery? My doctor took lymph nodes when I had my lumpectomy and they found cancer so that’s why I had to go thru chemo and radiation. They also did a pet scan to check my whole body. I’m so sorry you have to go thru this!

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