Thanks For The Memories!

 I have not always shunned the beginning of fall as I do now days.  In fact, in my younger days I loved fall and all that it brought with it.  The cooler days, bon fires, hoodies, post season Cardinals, and SOCCER. My shift in my feelings for the love of fall is the direct result of the evil beast within me.  Every cancer diagnosis I have gotten, 3 to be exact, have been in the fall.  Ironically enough, all around the same time.  So when fall rolls around, for me, it makes me wonder what fresh hell is coming for me this year.  I know that’s a negative spin on things, but if you were in my shoes, you might feel this also.   I also realize I should be celebrating another season has past and I am still here fighting my ass off!  And believe me I am so very grateful for that.  I do not ever take that for granted.

Lately my Facebook memories have me up in my feelings like crazy.  I think they do every year, but this one seems different for some reason.  They are mostly of days gone long ago, although it seems like yesterday, of Britton and his soccer games.  Oh how I loved going and watching that kid play!  And for almost 15 years, every fall was soccer season for this Big Time soccer momma!  That was my life.  Of course we would throw in some post season Cardinal ball games also just because, well, yolo!   I’ve always had that motto, even long before my cancers, and I am proud to say I believe I had fully instilled that into Britton.

I think I’m more up in my feels this year also because of the awesome thing that is happening with the Cardinals this season and the end of the Big 3.  I know it’s crazy to get a little emotional over such a thing, but when you and your only child have watched these guys play since my almost 30 year old baby was just a toddler, well it gets me a little teary eyed.  It’s an end of another great era for both my Cardinals and my baby boy.  Britton being 30 soon seems very unrealistic to me.  I feel like I should be older, feel older, but I don’t.  I still feel 30 myself….. somedays!  Haha! 

Last night while I was fast asleep (thanks Apple+ and baseball) since I couldn’t watch the game, and well if I’m being honest I probably couldn’t have stayed awake anyways LOL, the great Albert Pujols hit #700! Another milestone I have gotten to be alive to see!  The only thing better would have been to have watched it with the boy.  Britton and I have followed him since he came on the scene as a rookie and started doing amazing things.  We checked him out on the Cardinals Caravans, followed him to Jupiter 3 years, two with the late great Scott Sander 💝, Disney World (while playing in a world soccer tourney of course), World Series and post season games and hundreds of regular season games over those last 30 years. And while we did get angry when he left us and we made the #5 in our jerseys into dollar signs, the duct tape was swiftly removed this year when he returned home where he belonged. LOL!  Britton has had many encounters with Albert over the years.  Memories we have made together that will never ever be forgotten.  Thus the emotions this year as the Big 3 make their final appearances.

   

In Jupiter that first year we went, that dedicated and excited child had scoped out where Albert had signed balls the previous game. The next day he insisted we get there 4 hours early.  He sat in that corner he had scoped out the day before for 4 hours just waiting to get to talk to Albert and get his signature, and his persistence paid off! He was the first one to get his ball signed that sunny beautiful day in Jupiter, Florida. 

                                   

A sunny Sunday in 2004, Britton was at the game and was playing a little pregame activity in the kid’s area and ended up with a HUGE prize.  He got to go on the field that game and hand Albert his player of the year award.  Of course at that time, that was every Cardinal fan’s dream, old and young alike!  Who knew what this would mean almost 20 years later.

                                 

A year later at a game in Kansas City, the Royals v. Cardinals, after the ballgame, Briton was on a mission to find out where Albert would come out.  He was convinced he would come back into the stadium somewhere after the game to say hey to his old college buddies.  And sure enough we walked around that stadium until we saw some guys gathered around a door and Britton exclaimed, “See momma there is his wife and his buddies”.  And I’ll be damned if it wasn’t and about 10 minutes later out pops Albert.  Gives his wife a kiss, and starts high fiving his buddies.  My brazen kid steps into the middle of all of that and says, “Hi there, do you remember me?  I gave you your award last month”.  Of course you could tell he had no clue but like the class act that he is, Albert patted him on the head and said, “Of course I do little buddy”.  He signed a ball and away we went with my little boy beaming from ear to ear. 

I tell you what, I wouldn’t trade my past with anyone.  Those moments with my only child where I had the opportunity to make him smile from ear to ear are priceless.  I sure hope he feels the same way.  So when something as memorable as what is happening this year with the Big 3, I can’t help but feel all of those memories flood back with huge emotion, not so much because of what they have done, but what part they have played in the memories I have had while being in their presence.

   

When you are in my unique situation, these kinds of seasons are amplified.  They are cherished more.  Because I have a mindset that is “I get to”.   And nothing that I do now is taken for granted.  As I meticulously pick and choose what I do and who I do it with.  For this is a time to make all the memories I can with the people who will someday I hope, 20 years from now, cherish them as much as I cherish all of my memories. 

I know I haven’t updated in a while….  There is pretty much nothing to update really.  Which is good and also frustrating.  Both my Columbia and Mayo doctors agree that the cancer is back and growing.  It just has not shown its horrible ugly face again yet on the scans.  So for now, status quo and moving along and making memories like crazy!  I still pray every day and hope like hell that my trending upward numbers is somehow just a fluke and the chemo pills are still working, but in reality I know that is a long shot.  But at the same time I’ve beat the odds thus far!  We are coming upon 2 years since my diagnosis.  That’s a long time in pancan years my friends and I am so grateful and blessed for these bonus months! My next scan will be this upcoming Friday, and like always, please tons of prayers for the scan to remain stable once again.  I do believe in my prayer warriors and believe that it works, so keep on doing what you’ve been doing out there my warriors!  And as always make the memories today for tomorrow is never promised! Lots of love to you all!

With Friends Like These....

 ....  You'll NEVER Feel Sad or Lonely!  They say people come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime, but I'd like to add Forever to that statement.  This post is dedicated to my Forevers! You know who you are! 💓  I will love you all Forever! 

Most people are lucky if they have one or two Forever best friends; And I know that I have at least 5, if not a few more than that! But I have been BFF's with this particular group of beautiful amazing smart sexy women for at least 40 years.  We are truly blessed to have each other! And our Fabulous Five Oh trip was the biggest blessing that not only I needed, but I feel like in everyone's own ways all needed this trip badly.  We were talking one evening and all of us said it should not have taken one of us getting a terminal diagnosis to have made this trip happen.  But as everyone knows, life gets in the way and before you know it we're all fifty and STILL fabulous.  Terminal or not I am so happy we got to take this trip.  I love you ladies.... Forever!  

I started out my trip last Wednesday morning on a shuttle to St. Louis to catch my airplane into Tampa. I have never traveled alone, so was a little nervous, but I knew it was going to be great when the bus driver started playing the Eagles live during our drive.  Ironically the last time I traveled was a girls trip to Vegas in October 2019 to see the Eagles live in concert.  I never ever take a shuttle, but mom was a little worried about me driving alone to St. Louis, since my chemo has caused some dizzy spells lately.  So I relented and took the bus.  And that music was my way of knowing this was what I was supposed to do.  

Had an easy great ride to the airport and an easy flight as well.  My driver was waiting for me in Tampa to take me to, what I could only describe as a mansion on the beach.  We pulled up and I was in awe before I could even get into the giant house! One of my wonderful friends, Tara, had found us this house and booked it for us.  As I went inside and explored the three levels of pure beauty, I thought I might be in a dream.  I have never been in a house like this, let alone stay in one for 5 days!  It had 3 levels with a freakin elevator ya'll.  Craziness!  Each of us had our own bedroom, bathroom, and balcony and the bottom level was a giant pool and hot tub and patio.  At one point while exploring I thought I must be dreaming, for reals!  I arrived about 6 hours before the rest of the gang, so I changed out of my Missouri clothes and into my Treasure Island clothes and down the beach I went for my daily walk and then grabbed some dinner at my favorite beach restaurant, Caddys.  Then back to the "mansion" for a little Netflix and down time before the girls arrived.  I was pretty wiped out from the all day travel session.  The girls made it in around 11 and we stayed up talking until 2 a.m.  Something I haven't done in YEARS!!  Then off to bed where I left my balcony door open so I could hear the sounds of the ocean all night long.  Best sleep I've had in at least 3 years or more!  There is absolutely nothing more soothing than sleeping to that sound, in my opinion.  

Day number two started off with a short walk to breakfast and a walk on the beach.  My typical Treasure Island routine.  Then headed out for our Tiki Bar water tour.  Another thoughtful gift by a new friend on the island.  We loaded up the vessel and headed out into the bay.  We saw an amazing display of dolphins dancing right around our boat.  It was magical and beautiful.  Had a great lunch at a cool brewery and the rest of the day/night we just sat around our pool and hot tub telling stories, gossiping and just getting caught up on each other's lives.  It had been so long since we had all taken time out of our busy schedules to do this and I truly believe we all needed this trip badly!     

Day three was more of the same; breakfast and beach walk in the morning and talking and gossiping around the pool in the afternoon.  I  had a huge surprise for the girls for this night.  I hired a professional photographer to do a sunset photo shoot for us to always remember this trip.  We all got dressed up and headed out for a nice fancy seafood dinner, which was delicious.  We then met our guy for our photo shoot.  There are no words to describe how fun it was.  We laughed and hugged and maybe shed  few tears.  I cannot wait to get the final copies, as I know they are going to be something to be cherished forever by all of us.  As we were coming to the end of our shoot something so exciting happened; two manatees came up near the shore and were "getting it on" during our photo shoot.  Our photographer went out into the water waist deep and began shooting the giant creatures and the end results were some beautiful photos of these animals with the pink sky in the background.  He said he had never seen anything like that before and I think he was as excited as we all were to witness such beauty.  Definitely a divine intervention.  I think God put them there for a reason, for us to see the beauty in everything around us.  The most ironic thing about this moment was that an hour before the photo shoot began it looked like clouds were rolling in and it might rain.   He called me and asked if we wanted to cancel and try another night.  But I said no let's go for it.  I know now I was meant to keep that scheduled as the sunset was absolutely gorgeous after all and the manatees were there for us.  

The rest of the trip was more eating, talking, hugging, crying and supporting each other as everyone has things going on in their lives that we, as women, feel like we have to be strong and not talk about.  That it may somehow make us weak or too vulnerable.  But we all let it all out this week and I believe we all helped each other even if it was in the smallest ways.  I truly believe these girls are my soul mates and we will always be together no matter how near or far we are from each other.  The love we have is something that most people never get to experience in their lives and for that I feel like the most lucky girl in the world!  

Back to reality though after an AMAZING girls trip!  Irony at it's best....  We left beautiful white powder that makes people happy and joyful and woke up Tuesday morning to the kind of white powder that makes people grumpy and irritated.... Especially at the end of April.  Are you kidding me right now.  Thanks mother nature for your cruel joke! LOL  

Then yesterday was back in the chemo chair.  You never know what the blood counts are going to do, but I was feeling lucky after my trip and blood counts allowed the chemo.  Once again thanks to God's grace.  I think this trip and all the love I received from the girls has given me the strength to push onward and to face whatever challenges hold for me in the next few months.  The game plan right now is to finish this chemo (#12) and then I am scheduled to have a PET scan on the 4th and will find out on the 5th of May if the chemo is still working and continuing to shrink the tumors.  The hope and prayers are that there are no new tumors anywhere, and that the current ones have shrunk some more or at least have remained stable.  If so, we will talk about a new regimen and to possibly give me a break from this harsh chemo.  So please be saying some big time prayers for me that this is the case and I get a good report on the 5th!  Thank you to all my prayer warriors who continue to support and encourage me.  You are what gets me through this journey with a positive outlook and attitude!  Love to all!  Hopefully will be updating in a few weeks with some good stuff to report! 

February......

 A single person's nightmare.  The universe's big middle finger to single people everywhere.  Everywhere you look there are ads for love and what you must buy to keep that love or win a new love.  We are inundated with it from February 1 until the 14th.  The big romantic day.  

On the rare occasion that I have been single on VD, and this is by no means me bragging, but a testimony to my co-dependency issues I've had my whole life apparently, which was not brought to my attention until my most recent break up with my fiancé, two years ago.  I realized that most of my life I have had a relationship of some kind, jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend, never really letting myself be alone and learning anything about "ME"!  

This will be my second year that I am one of those single people getting the big F you today by all the adorable people "in love".  But I am okay.  For the first time in my life I have been single for almost two years now.  And guess what?  I am OK!  It's in your darkest moments that you truly learn who you are and what you are capable of.  

In the past, the only way you would know about the lucky ones getting valentines were three ways.  Yes for all you yougins out there, we did not have social media back in the day.  So we found out things the old fashioned ways.  One.... the small town rumor mill.  "Did you know that Johnny got Sally flowers for Valentines day"?  "That rat bastard, he said he was my valentine"! LOL....   Two.... as we got older, and had jobs in an office, the entourage of people being called to the lobby to get their obligatory flowers from the husbands and boyfriends who obviously had no romantic spirit or creative minds, streamed through the halls all day long. All the while you sat and watched as the desks filled up around you while yours stood empty.   Three.... the phone call from your BFFs, whom you are genuinely happy for when they call to say the guy they've been crushing on just stopped by with gifts, but at the same time, jealous as hell!  haha!  But now we have social media and it is in your face 24/7 from 2/1 thru 2/14.  Today I will be taking the social media break.  Why fuel the already irritated fire, right?  

As stated above I've had my share of valentines, so I do not feel like I'm missing out on much.  It's just another reminder to me today that I have probably had my last love affair.  My last love was probably my last love.  I have come to accept the fact that the market out there for a single gal in her late 40's who is terminally ill probably isn't that great.  And that's okay.  I do get sad about it some days, but I have dealt with that demon and have put it to rest.  Love comes in many ways and the love that has been showered over me these last 3 months has been nothing short of amazing.  I plan on living out my days here on earth loving and living it up with the people who truly love and care for me, and that will be my biggest blessing.  

And I have had 3 great romantic loves in my life.  Ones that were truly amazing and that I will cherish the rest of my life.  I feel very fortunate to say that, as some people never really find that one true love and I've had three! How lucky am I?  Very fortunate I would say.  

But the BEST part of my life and the best part of February is the fact that the greatest and most amazing love of my life happened in this month.  God gave me my son in February, so that no matter what, I will always have a valentine and love! I believe this was done with God's purpose.  I hadn't seen my boy since Christmas due to covid complications, but this last Tuesday I got to get out of the house and take my boy for a birthday dinner.  It was the BEST night I have had since Christmas, as every time I get to spend any time with him is what keeps me going and fighting this uphill battle with the beast! And as long as I have him and his love I'll keep on fighting! 

Also this last week I had my first scan since my diagnosis and it was not bad.  It showed reduction in the main pancreas tumor and the liver tumors remained stable with no further spread!!  It seems the chemo may be working and can buy me some more time on this precious earth with the people I LOVE!  I will continue with this chemo as long as I can handle it for at least 3 more months.  So right now we have a game plan.  I truly believe it is with all of your prayers and the blessings of medical science that is making this possible and would ask that you keep me in your prayers.  On this Sunday Valentines day, that is the best way to show LOVE for someone.  Pray for them if you know they are in need and have a burden.  

And how could I forget my furbabies, one who was also born in February as well.  Born on February 13, another furever Valentine blessing, my sweet 3 year old Golden, Auggie.  And my loyal little Yorkie Poo who is 10 years old, Sophie.  Lord have mercy there is not better and greater love and devotion than those babies.  They sure have been life savers over the last 3 years especially.  

So it seems as though cupid has missed his mark with me again this year, I think he actually hit the nail right on the head and brought me the best valentines week I could possibly have with getting to spend time with my son and a good scan report and thousands of people praying for me daily, I'll take that over some flowers and candy any ole day!  

And my wonderful sister knew it would be a day without any valentine spirit so she sent me a WHOLE box full of fun from Springfield that mom and I can dig into.  Maybe I'll even model my valentine outfit late for ya'll.  LOL  Meanwhile I'll be on the couch in my PJ's and eating my box of candies from my sissy and watching my most favorite Valentine movie....  Valentines Day, of course.  The scene where she beats the shit out of the piñata NEVER gets old!  LMAO

Happy Valentines Day everyone and I hope you find your LOVE, however it may come to you today and keep them prayers coming! 

Irony and Inauguration

 I know my irritation of  people and their taking for granted their lives gets old at times as I voice my irritations, but I'm just trying to open people's eyes before it's too late.  I'm not trying to be a pain in the ass, although I know I'm good at that at times haha!  I only have recently figured it out myself.  

Three years ago today I was getting ready to chop my boobies off.  I had also chosen to not have any kind of reconstruction, as a mastectomy and reconstruction is not the boob job most people think it is.  I knew the risks involved; recurrent cancer hiding below the implant going undetected, your body rejecting the implants, many surgeries and possible infections galore, and if the skin is so thin the implant can actually bust through the skin at any time.  Therefore, I chose no boobies.  I was devastated.  Thought it was possibly the worst day of my life.  I was losing part of my womanhood.  And it took me a few years to accept my new body.  And life went on.  

Ironically, one year ago today I lost the last of my hair from the toxic chemo that I was taking for my breast cancer recurrence.  Now I was boobless and yes, bald as a baby's ass, and my fiance of 7 years had just left me for another woman.  And again I was devastated and thought it was the worst thing in the world and life couldn't get any worse.  But I got used to my bald head and wearing my turban hats and once again life went on.  I healed and bought a Jeep and was ready to live my new life.  Thankful for a third chance and forever changed by what I had been through over the last two years.  

Today we ushered in a new President of the United States.  Half of my friends and family on Facebook and in my own house spent the day bitter and still convinced the election was stolen and spewed hatred and hateful comments.  The other half were elated and happy and thrilled with today's pomp and circumstance and pagentry.  The statements "not my president", "we're doomed", "just wait and see" were just a few of the non-positive statements I saw.  I was actually absolutely amused as these same statements came out of the mouths of the elated and thrilled folks just four short years ago and they were ridiculed then for making these statements, yet here they were doing the same.  You see folks were all alike.  We are all human.  And most importantly what makes us all unique is our ability to think for ourselves and form our own opinions.  And what makes us adults is being able to have conversations and thoughts without hatred.  And let's all be totally honest EVERY SINGLE politician has been groomed and are all basically the same at the level we ushered in today.  They don't give a rats ass about you, only their popularity and wallets.  The results are not going to affect your every day life.  As witnessed through this pandemic, you should be more worried about your local government and their power as they are the ones calling the shots in each state, not the big dogs in Washington, who again, could give a rats ass about you.  

I only make the above statement because there was so much energy over the last few months regarding the above.  Energy you could have been focusing on your family and friends.  Forming new bonds.  Volunteering.  Doing your part to make the little part of your world a better place and spreading love and friendship instead of mean and hateful things towards people who think a feel differently than you.  

Here's the punch line folks......... There is absolutely NOTHING that bad to cause such stress and rifts between friends and families, nothing......... EXCEPT when the doctor walks into that office and says I'm sorry there's not a cure for this.  You have 3-6 months to live and you should get your things in order.  Now that there is what I call a shitty devastating life altering day.  Everything else is just distractions and stress causing bumps in the road.  One of my high school best friends ex was diagnosed this weekend with my exact diagnosis.  He still has two teenage boys at home and works in the restaurant industry.  Please add him to your prayer list as well.  This disease is beginning to attack younger and younger people and the doctors are baffled at the alarming rate.  It makes me so angry sometimes.  I watch older people on TV and on Facebook and I cry and get angry and say why me and it's not fair.  But as we all know, life is definitely not fair! 

Today is the anniversary of an amazing friend who lost his son in a car wreck 8 years ago today.  He was getting ready to graduate from high school.  Life is short.  And not fair.  This folks is life changing.  Not an election and a new President.  

So tonight, try to go to bed with a forgiving and renewed heart and give this new administration a chance and try to share and post less items that haven't came from your beautiful minds! And pray you never have to experience what really is the worst thing that can possibly happen to you.  I feel ashamed for some of my friends who have focused so much energy on worrying about this that it has affected their mental health and how they are functioning in life.  It has taken away their happiness.  I pray our country can start healing and everyone goes into the next year with positive thoughts and forgiveness.  Spend more time with your families and friends and less time worrying about what the big rich ass holes in Washington are doing because they sure as hell are not worrying about you! 

I say a prayer every day for our country to heal and for God to grant me a miracle of health and extended life.  I would welcome everyone to join me in these prayers and I would feel blessed to have any and all of the prayers! 

Just remember without your health you have absolutely nothing, please take care of yourselves out there my wonderful prayer warriors!  

Another Trip Around the Sun

It's been a few months since I last wrote and since I have been released from active cancer treatments part deux.  I was going back this morning and reading my blog entry from last year's birthday and cried a little.  I was so hopeful and so excited for the upcoming year.  That it may have finally been my year of peace.  But as most of you know, this trip around the sun was anything but peaceful and overall pretty shitty! I'm thinking this one tops the last two in the shitty year department.  So MAYBE this coming year will be my year!  The last year in my 40's.  

I am going into this next year hopeful.  Hopeful first and foremost for a healthy year.  Hopeful that I may find a partner in crime.  And hopeful that I can finally settle into being who I am supposed to be and to love myself for that.  

As far as what has been going on with my health and healing journey, I continue to be in a constant state of pain on my radiated side. Thank God for pain meds.  I know they are supposed to be bad but I am thankful for them.   Even though my skin has healed, my burns are deep and in some areas all the way through.  I've been told that since I have no fat, that my bones and muscles were more than likely affected more and it would take some time to heal.  The doctors say most patients turn the corner at about 6 months out.  So I'll be counting down the days for the next 4 months!  haha! Some people have asked me if I'm healed/cancer free.  They do not do scans after treatment is over.  Just basically toss ya back out there and "hope" all of the torture and pain you've been put through is "enough".  The mental tole this takes on me, and every other cancer patient, is a daily battle. Every ache, pain, bump, lump is the constant question, "Is it back".  I do realize as the years pass on and it stays at bay this mental battle will get a little better.  This shit is evil and you just never know.  

I was supposed to begin a chemo type hormone blocker right after I finished radiation.  This pill is supposed to maybe keep the cancer at bay.  In return the side effects you receive to keep the cancer "maybe" at bay are sometime intolerable.  It kills your bones, throws you into early osteoporosis, and leaves some patients in constant joint and bone pain, along with other fun side effects.  And then there is not a guarantee that it won't come back any way.  For me, the pain that I am still in right now from the radiation has made me decide to forego this pill until I get back to ground zero and am feeling like a normal human being again.  And then I will assess and probably try out the pill.  This is a hard decision for me and I am battling it every day.  But either way there is no guarantee that the evil shit won't come back. So I am choosing to get back to "normal" before I begin to put myself back in pain again.  

I fell and fractured my ankle two weeks after radiation was finished and I was in a boot for a few weeks.  I have been a bad patient and haven't worn it like I should have.  So today for my birthday I will be heading back to the orthopedic doctor to see if it has healed up okay.  Hopefully I won't be in too much trouble!  haha! 

Maybe This Year!

Birthdays.  As you get older, you reflect more on the past and look harder at the future.  

It's been a few months since I last wrote and since I have been released from active cancer treatments part deux. Since finishing radiation, I have fell and broken my ankle and landed in a pile of dog shit in the process. (see hilarious post below LOL) So that was fun.  Haha!   And I have been battling post radiation nerve pain. My ankle has now healed (I actually had the x-rays this morning to verify) and we are working on finding some relief for the nerve pain.  Please say a prayer for me that it happens soon. It's a pain like one I've not had and it sucks!! Oh! And I'm getting HAIR!  I still hate it and wish that it would grow faster, but I am thankful that it's coming in.  My self confidence is pretty much in the shitter, but I am working on that too.  I've made some very hard decisions about my health that were tough to make, but I feel like are best for me now.  I pray it is the right decision.  Also in the last two months I bought a new toy, my Jeep!  Her name is Sunset Chaser and her and I are going to go on some awesome adventures in the future I have no doubt.  Covid is still here and wrecking havoc on my plans to travel as soon as I finished treatment.  But I plan on being on my Sunset Beach as soon as we are allowed to get back to some sort of normalcy.  

I went back this morning and read my blog entry from last year's birthday reflections and cried a little.  I was so hopeful and so excited for the upcoming year.  Hopeful that it may have finally have been my year of peace.  But as most of you know, this trip around the sun was anything but peaceful and overall pretty shitty! I'm thinking this one even tops the last two in the shitty year department.  So MAYBE this coming year will be my year!  The last year in my 40's.  Overall not a horrible decade, but it seems like most of it was wasted.  I spent the majority of it in a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime.  Instead it ended in heartbreak last year.  And 1/3 of it was spent with me being terribly sick and fighting for my life.  Someday when I look back at my 40's and those memories they will be bittersweet.  I had tons of fun on many trips, concerts, and other adventures with my ex, some good friends, and most importantly my sister and my mom over these years.  My relationship with my family has been put back together and that, in itself, is the best blessing I could have gotten from my 40's.  

These years that were supposed to be my "prime".  My son graduated high school and left for college when I turned 40 and boy did  I have big plans.  haha!  I spent most of my "prime" in some state of drunkenness for the most part.  And when not in that state, I was in the state of illness and fighting for my life. However, over the last 3 years I have learned a lot about myself.  I thought getting sober was going to be easy and was cruising through it until my ex left and I fell off the wagon and landed back in ICU.  Then a month out of ICU my second cancer showed up.  My "prime" has definitely not been idyllic.  

BUT today on my 49th birthday, I am cancer free and alcohol free almost 9 months. So MAYBE, just maybe, I have learned all of the lessons God has been trying to teach me now and this year will be my transitioning year into my 50's.  And God willing I will have a peaceful second half of my life, taking all the lessons I have learned about myself in my 40's with me.  

I am going into this next year hopeful.  Hopeful first and foremost for a healthy year.  Hopeful that I may find my forever partner in crime.  And hopeful that I can finally settle into being who I am supposed to be and to love myself for that.  

Next year when I am reading this entry, I once again pray that it will have been a very uneventful year.  A year of peace and healing.  And when I wake up on my 50th birthday I pray that I can say, wow finally a boring year full of love and adventures! 

ISN’T IT IRONIC…. FULL CIRCLE… AGAIN??

Gosh, it seems like forever ago since I was told I could stop chemo early and begin radiation.  And since I was told I was exposed directly to the Rona.  Yet it has only been a month and a half!  This quarantine routine is definitely making me insane.  You guys know I’m a very social being and it’s taken all of my strength to obey the rules.  But I would rather be insane in my house than sick with the Rona, since my immune system is still compromised, so I stay put!

Before I began my radiation treatments, I was approved to go ahead and have a Corona test to make sure I didn’t have it before starting radiation. So yep, I’ve had the brain tickler.  Haha!  I am happy to say I was negative and I began my radiation treatments on March 30^th.   Every week day for the last 5 weeks I have ventured to the cancer center to receive daily radiation on a very large portion of the left side of my upper body.  I find it hilarious that throughout my whole adult life I have avoided the sun, slathered sunscreen on my body like a psycho, to make sure I didn’t get burnt and increase my risk of skin cancer.  But here I am, yes, now I’m volunteering to have my body burnt to a crisp, all in the name of trying to make sure the cancer stays away from me this time!!  Craziness I tell ya!   And true to everyone’s account of their experience with radiation, it wiped me out.  I am so exhausted with fatigue by about 5:00 I cannot hardly remove my ass from the recliner.  The burns started out minimal.  And I thought well hell this isn’t that bad.  Haha, I know better than that right?  The 4^th week I began to really burn and blister pretty good.  And yes here I am week number 5.  My final treatment day is tomorrow!!!  My skin started falling off of my chest on Monday in layers.  Needless to say this is VERY painful and without the pain meds and salve I don’t think I probably would have made it through!  But here I am!  They did say it would take a few weeks to a month to recover from the radiation and for my burns to heal, but ONE more and I am DONE!  Time to get my immune system, body and routine back to some sort of normalcy!

Here is where the irony of it all begins.  Almost two years to tomorrow's release date, I was released by my oncologist after my first battle.  I had had multiple surgeries, biopsies, tests, blood draws, and had finally been deemed cancer free with a 3% chance of recurrence.  I was released, after 5 months of hell, back into my “normal” life and was told to go live.  That it was gone.  And after a few months, I was indeed easing back into my “new normal” and starting to get comfortable.  I was living life to the fullest. 

Irony Part Deux….  This coming Tuesday it will be exactly one year since my life fell apart in the worst way and the future I had planned died.  After surviving cancer and finally feeling like I was getting my life back on track, my fiancé left me for someone else.  I was heartbroken like never before.  My heart was shattered into a million pieces.  Some days it feels like it was 100 years ago and some days it still seems like it was just yesterday.  I really cannot believe it has already been a year.  The first few months were horrible and I thought I may never recover.  But the days turned into months and I was finally starting to feel like I might be ready to jump back into that old dating cesspool that all of us single people know it to be LOL….  But instead I got a fun surprise and found out that my cancer had returned, yes almost two years to the date of the last diagnosis.  So dating and living had to be put on hold again and I had to return to fighting for my life. 

Throughout this new cancer journey over the last 6 months of hell, I have found strength in myself I never knew was there.  I had to reach inward and pull parts of myself out that had been hidden away from even me.  I am still dealing with my heartbreak, but I am a lot better now than I was a year ago.  I am also dealing with insecurities with myself regarding my body, my looks, and who I am, as well as my alcoholism.   I now, however, have a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  Although I may forever anticipate and be a little afraid of the months of May and November haha!    

So maybe tomorrow when I walk out of that cancer center (sore as fuck LOL) at 3:30 and I am once again thrust back out into the world with my next “new normal”, I will have FINALLY come full circle on this long and painful journey towards finding me.  I have learned so much about myself over the last two years.  Maybe this was God’s way of helping me to find my pathway to peace through all of the pain, heartache, and trials and tribulations that I have faced.  And with any luck, maybe my voodoo doll holder has been killed and my next blog entry will be about dating and love or dating disasters, anything but stupid CANCER!  Watch out boys.... the next blog may be about you!  LOL!!

2019 - WTF Was That???

One year.  Doesn't seem like a long time in the scheme of things.  But when it's a bad one, it seems like it was 20.  And when it's two in a row, it seems like a lifetime since I have felt any sort of normalcy at all.

One year ago I was sitting on a rooftop overlooking downtown Columbia getting ready to kiss 2018 goodbye, good riddance and adios!  We had just gotten back from St. Louis and purchasing my dream convertible car as a celebration for surviving the year.  My fiancé and I were going to celebrate the fact that the horrible awful year was over and we were looking into 2019 with hope for a healthy, happy new year.  After all I had survived cancer, 4 major surgeries, an ICU stay that changed my life, two pet deaths, and my grandfather and aunt's house fire.  It was time to celebrate that we had survived and that it was all over with!  We were ready to start a brand new year happy and healthy! With champagne and sparklers (yes sparklers, I was so excited) in hand, we rang in the new year with hope and excitement for a new beginning.  2019 was going to be our year! BUT as per my new normal, my voodoo doll holder had other plans.  Seriously folks, there's a reward out for the voodoo doctor! LOL!

So here we are, one year later.  Getting ready to flip the big middle finger at another year of hell going out the door!  This year, however, there will be no rooftop celebration.  No convertible.  No fiancé. No sparklers.  No champagne.  Instead I will be probably vomiting, or shitting myself to death, or at the very least, so tired I will not be able to raise my head up off of my pillow, from the poison that will be input into my body the day before.

2019 offered up to me a broken heart, sold my dream convertible, sold my home, the loss of my ex husband who was also one of my best friends in this world, the loss of my only aunt, continued pancreas problems which landed me in the hospital twice, and yes, the gift that keeps on giving, my cancer returned, this time in my lymph node, had another surgery and will be beginning chemo the 30th.... Irony at it's best.....  I cried all the way home from the doctor just one year earlier after finding out that I would not need chemo.  I was so relieved.  Yet here we are... one last bite in the ass from 2019!

But I am also able to look back onto 2019 and realize that I have gained tons of knowledge and massive inner strength that I had no idea was inside of me.  I am emerging from 2019 mentally strong and amazingly self aware.

The biggest and best take away of the year.  Cherish and love your family.  They will always love you and be beside you no matter what.  When my life went to hell in May and again last month and I needed someone, it was my family that was there for me.  Not a man, not even my "friends".  They, for the most part, disappeared this year as well.  But my mom, sister, and dad were all there, by my side.  And for this I will be eternally grateful.  God has given me my sister back.  We have not been close for years, but through this year, our amazing adventure to New York and all of my illnesses, she has been there for me and we have bonded again, as sisters should always be.  I have always believed everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes it sucks, but I think in the end the outcome is because something else is supposed to happen.  My fiancé and I had a whirlwind trip to New York planned to celebrate me beating cancer and just to get away and finally have a good time.  Two weeks before our trip of a lifetime, our relationship came to an abrupt and shocking end.  I had already paid for the trip and it was non-cancelable.  But as it turned out my sister was in a position at the time that she could take 11 days off with very short notice and agreed to come along.  Then we decided mom had to come along also.  You see us three had NEVER had a girls only trip anywhere.  So while it sucked that my relationship was over and a trip that had originally been planned as a romantic thank you for taking care of me while I was sick trip didn't happen.  It was the best mom and daughter trip ever!  We laughed, cried, ate, walked, shopped, played awful tourists, and just bonded.  This, I believe, was the work of a greater power.  I believe it was supposed to happen this way.

Another biggie for 2019...  I got sober.  Yes I was forced to due to health issues, but for the most part I did it.  Was I perfect.... hell NO!  I fell off the damn wagon a few dozen times.  BUT....  I can assure you it was the first year in a very, very long time that was not an all out drunkfest.  And I know that I am going into 2020 with a strong will to never drink again.  Will I achieve this goal?  Maybe so.  Maybe not.  But I at least have the will to get healthy after chemo and radiation and not put toxic shit into my body ever again.  Baby steps.  But steps nonetheless!

2019 also brought some great trips with friends and checks off my bucket list.  I looked back through my pictures from the year and man they were great trips!  Of course the Canada and New York City trip in May was a bucket list dream trip with my mom and my sis.

Florida, back to my mother ship, Treasure Island, with two amazing women whom I am blessed to call friends, over the 4th of July.  I am so glad they agreed to go with me.  This holiday was going to be hard and I just had to get out of town. I learned so much about myself on this trip.  Treasure Island was the planned location of our retirement home.  We had been there over the past 6 years at least 10 times.  I wasn't sure that I could enjoy it or face it after the breakup.  But with the help of my girls, we laughed, cried and just had a blast.  I reclaimed it as my own and I still, some day, will live there come hell or high water!  I gained amazing inner strength from this trip.

And finally Vegas in October, again with my two travel BFF's.  In Vegas I checked my bucket list and saw The Eagles and Aerosmith on two consecutive nights.  It was amazing!   I danced, sang, cried and had the best time ever.  All by myself.  And guess what, I was OK.  Again inner strength was gained.

This year I also won a gold medal in the Corporate Show Me State Games for bowling. I was chosen to go onto the field at ACS day at the ballpark in St. Louis for the Cardinals game and represent all cancer survivors.  I attended 10 concerts throughout the year besides the Vegas ones and also I volunteered to work Roots and Blues Festival.  I attended several different fund raisers throughout the year for many different organizations.  These events definitely make you grateful for the life you have, even though it may be a shit storm at times.  I attended my 30 year class reunion (yes I'm old LOL). And made amazing new friends through a cancer retreat.  It was an intense 3 day weekend and the bond made sure we will be forever sisters.

Another biggie, for the first time ever I went to restaurants and bars and ate by myself, table for one, and survived.  While I do not prefer to go and do things alone, this year I learned that I was going to have to learn how to be okay alone.  Friends disappeared and my option was to stay home and feel sorry for myself or go and just do it.  Two years ago I could not have ever done that!  I have learned so much about myself and who I am and who I want to be.  I know I will be going into 2020 stronger than ever in my faith in myself.  And while I have learned I do not need anyone, I do know I want that one special person in my life to share the rest of it with.  But I now know that I do not have to push it and do not have to settle for less than the fairy tale.  And while I am waiting for Prince Charming, I am going to be OK with me, myself, and I.  This is a huge self awaking for me.  Being alone does not mean you're desperately lonely.  It just means you love yourself enough to never settle.

And while 2020 will definitely not be starting out as a celebratory year I can assure you that when I am standing in some magical place when the clock strikes Midnight December 31, 2020 this chick will be, with God's grace and a shit ton of luck, kissing the man of my dreams, cancer free, and living the best life I have in front of me to live!  That is my New Years wish for me! Happy 2020 everyone.  May it be your best year in the books yet!!  

The Ghost of Christmas Eve Pasts

Christmas Eve.  Such endearing moments I have stored in my memory bank from this day over the past 45ish years (I don't remember my first few years) haha!  In some ways, Christmas Eve was more precious than the coveted Christmas Day for me.

Oh my goodness, when I was a little bitty girl, my Christmas Eve memories, I will cherish forever.  Our family back then was HUGE.  Tons of cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents.  And the whole famdamily would emerge upon my Grandma Rose and Granny Shirley's house in Huntsville, MO.  To this day I still have no idea how we all fit into that house, but we did.  And it was the most magical night of the year.  I can close my eyes right now and conjure up those old memories.  I can put myself right back in that house.  My uncle and aunts gathered around the family room in Grandma Rose's living room.  Uncle George was playing the guitar and my grandma Margaret and aunt Shirley and aunt Hilda were singing Christmas songs.  Eventually we would all join in.  My cousins and I would be playing a game of some sort on the stairs that connected my great grandma's area and my aunt's area together.  We were the older cool kids.  The little ones were upstairs wrecking havoc on my aunts portion of the house, running and screaming and God only knows what else.  Probably sneaking one of the hundreds of homemade treats from the table.  We all ran on a massive sugar high most the evening.  Eventually we would gather around the tree and the presents were, some years, almost as high as the tree.  Everyone always got a gift.  Once the gifts were opened someone would turn on the radio and we would start tracking Santa. We would all change into our pajamas because, of course, we would be falling asleep on our way home later on. Somewhere around midnight it sounded like good ole Saint Nick was making his way into Missouri and all of us kids were in a frantic begging state, we had to get home or else he wouldn't stop!!  Hurry up mom and dad, we have to go! And with our final bit of pleading, the adults would finish up their card games and wrap us kids up from head to toe in our coats, hats and gloves and my daddy would carry my sister and I to the car.  I'm going to estimate that at least 99.9% of the time my sister nor I made it to the highway before we were sound asleep in the car.  We would get home and dad would once again carry us in the house.  Frantically we would put out some cookies for Santa that we had, more than likely, made earlier in the week, and a glass of milk and carrots. And off to bed we would go.  These are the Christmas Eves that will forever be ingrained in my mind as the best days ever.  I loved these Christmas Eves in my early childhood.

In the later years, after grandma Rose passed on, we still had the same routine, but the family got a little smaller, and the gatherings became more rushed.  But they were still magical nonetheless.  It was one of the only times of the year when you still got to see your cousins and to visit and catch up on everyone's lives.   And laugh.... Lord have mercy we laughed so much with each other back then.  Everyone had stories and they were always hilarious.  There were times I would leave there with a stomach ache, not because of all of the amazing homemade food, but from laughing so hard.  One thing stayed the same, my sister and I would still be sound asleep by the time we got home.  But we were too big for daddy to carry us in now, so we had to wake up and walk in.... Oh the tragedy!  LOL!

Then eventually the younger cousins were married and having babies of their own, yours truly included.  Gatherings were harder to plan but somehow we always seemed to make it work and whoever could make it was there.  Most everyone always tried to be there.  I think we all knew that we were living on borrowed time with our beloved Christmas Eve tradition.  So we all made a point to make it as often as we could.  I am so thankful and blessed that my baby boy got to experience as least a little bit of this fleeting magic.

It is said that the glue of the family is held together by our grandparent's generation.  And once they are gone, the family as we knew it is no longer.  No truer statement has been made.  With the loss of my beautiful Aunt Shirley, also came the loss of our magical Christmas Eve tradition.  The cousins are now spread far and wide and families are much too busy to get together like we used to.  Seems so sad to me to let such a beautiful tradition die, but it is a sign of the times.  I am so grateful to have been a part of that generation, as those were truly beautiful times.

The Christmas Eves since my aunt passed away have been spent at home with my ex.  We had began our own traditions.  Christmas pajamas and Christmas movies.  And while it was not the same as Christmas Eves of my childhood and beyond, they were still good.  Quaint, simple and just being together.  Last year we even got the dogs matching pajamas.  *sigh*

And now here we are.... Christmas Eve 2019.... It will go down in the Kristy memory bank as the very first Christmas Eve EVER not spent with some sort of celebration with family, either extended or immediate.  Not a single plan today. Whew my pity party part of one was in full force today for sure! LOL But then I got to thinking, how very blessed I am to have had 47 years of fabulous Christmas Eves before experiencing a shitty one.  Some people go through life never having the best Christmas Eves ever.  And I've had 47!  So this year I'm going to push the Christmas Eve reset button and next year at this very time when I am sitting in my bed writing in my journal, God willing, I can assure you that I will have a new Christmas Eve tradition in place and it will be, once again, magical!!  Maybe it will involve some sand, sun and seascapes... One thing I do know all too well about this thing called life, you NEVER know what it has up it's sleeve for you!

Merry Christmas Eve to all and to all a Good Night 💚

Sunny Sunday Funday

When you are facing what is more than likely going to be some of the shittiest months of your life, beginning  in less than a week, you have two choices....  You can lay in the house in a pile of depression and misery and dwell on what terrible things are to come OR you can get your ass up and jump in the shower, brush your beautiful long hair for one of the last times, treasuring every moment of it, and make the most out of what is sure to be one of the last sunny seventy degree days for many months to come.

Today I chose the later.

When you think you have it bad, just look around, and I bet you will find someone who would gladly trade places with you.  

We have an angel tree at work with tags for little kids who need someone to "adopt" them for Christmas.  Their parents are going through some hardships and need a little extra help.   I always chose two girls, usually between the ages of 4 to 6.  Why you may ask.  Well we have all boys in our family, so I've never been able to buy the adorable little girl clothing, bows, jewelry, or buy a baby doll or a kitchen set.  All the fun things that little girls would love!  When I woke up this morning, I realized I basically had today left to shop for my Angel Tree girls before my shit hits the fan.  And I definitely didn't want to let them down. 

I am so thankful that while I was raising my son, I was always able to provide for him.  He never had to stress over where he was going to live or where his next meal was coming from.  There are too many children in this world who deal with this problem every day.  And even though it's not much, for one magical day I love helping a few kids have a happy moment in what is probably a very stressful life.  This tradition has become my favorite thing to do at Christmas. 

I pick one day and binge shop for my girls every year. Today was that day this year.  It is so much fun and makes me feel wonderful and blessed to be able to help out, even if it's just a little bit.  This is what Christmas is really about.  And for 3 hours today I forgot about cancer, surgeries, chemo, and my problems, and just imagined these little ones faces on Christmas morning.

I then got home and unloaded my goodies and grabbed the golden boy and headed to the park.  I met a woman walking her dog.  Auggie, of course, needed to make friends.  She and I chatted for a moment and Thanksgiving was brought up in the conversation.  I am not sure why, but I was compelled to tell her where I would be on Thanksgiving (the hospital... yippee!).  She inquired further and I told her my cancer story.  She thanked me for sharing and asked if she could pray for me on Wednesday.  Of course I said yes.  This stranger then hugged me and told me it was going to be okay.  The kindness of this woman filled my heart and soul today with happiness.

I don't know if it was the shopping earlier in the day, the sunshine and warmth of the day, the amazing kindness of a stranger, or the ecstatic way my dog ran like crazy when I unleashed him in the big field, but for the first time in several weeks I felt normal and happy.  I think I was even smiling a real smile.  Not the fake "I'm fine" one that has been glued to my face since I got the "C" word call again.

And today, for the first time in weeks, I felt like maybe I will be okay.  Maybe I will survive all that is about to be thrown at me over the next 5 months.  I have been feeling very hopeless before today.

I also know, all too well from the last battle, that this is a temporary feeling and that my emotions will be those of a giant roller coaster.  You know the one …. it goes upside down, and spins and eventually you throw up.  Yes that is how the next few months will be, but today was a good day! I believe this day was given to me to embrace so that in the months to come I will be able to pull my "sunny Sunday funday"  from the archives of my mind and tell myself, you're going to be okay.

Here I Go Again....

Well this is a post I hoped I would never have to write....  But here I am, back at it again.  I won the 1 in 8 lottery with my first breast cancer diagnosis... and the 3% of the population Lotto with BRCA2.  And now the next lotto has been won....  the 1 in 3 breast cancer survivors that will recur.  The word won is definitely being used sarcastically here! haha Looks like you will be tortured with my horror stories of the continued shitty life of Kristy Lee once again.  Yes, it was originally named Kristy's shitty year, but we are now heading into year number 3.  It seems I may never ever again get a break from whatever fresh hell is waiting for me next.  Not sure what the hell I did to the universe but man it's pissed at me about something!  LOL!

So here we go....  1 in 3... How it began....  Thursday evening I was showering.  Went to shaving my armpits like I always do. For those of you that don't know, after mastectomy and lymph node removal, you have no feeling at all in your chest area and a lot of time under your arms.... All the nerves have been cut.  So when shaving you cannot tell if your getting it all or not so you sometimes have to feel around to make sure.  And this was the moment that will no doubt define my next year, if not my forever.  I felt a mass.  I knew it was something.  Not scar tissue, not a cyst, something was not right.  I got out of the shower and got dressed for bed.  But as expected, I did not sleep much at all.  At 8:03 I had my oncologist on speed dial and luckily was able to get into see him at 9:00 that morning.  Doc checked it out and said, "I don't think it's probably anything to be really concerned about, but let's biopsy it just to make sure".  Uh, yes, lets.  Better safe than sorry is my new rule.  So out of the oncologist office with a 1:00 appointment for a ultrasound needle guided biopsy.  If you recall my first go around with this shit, me and needles do not like each other at all.  So needles shoved in armpit didn't sound like a fun day at all! But nonetheless here we go. PTSD through the roof at this point.  Checked into the outpatient section, escorted back to put on my most favorite outfit in the world... the ugly gown LOL  I am now flopped up on the bed with arms overhead and the first set of needles being shoved into my pit.  Felt great!  lmao!  Thankfully this got me totally numb and all I hear are the clicking sounds of each piece of my armpit being cut out, 5 in all. Hum must have been a decent size.  Bandage up and ice pack applied and out the door I was sent...  We'll call you on Monday, leaving me alone with my paranoid thoughts for the whole long ass 2.5 days.

Today, Monday, phone call day.  Except no phone call.  So I finally decided to call, confident that at 2:00 in the afternoon surely everything was fine or they would have called, right... no news = good news right.  The radiologist got on the phone and said the preliminary results were in and everything was benign, but due to my history they were going to do a few more extensive tests just to be 100% sure. She would call me back once they were done with those.   Ha!  Benign!  Yes!  Relief!  Back to working and feeling okay.  Escaped a tragedy.  Whew!  LOL LOL LOL.... silly me! An hour later my phone rings... it's the doctor again.  "I'm very sorry, but the more detailed samples show cancer in the lymph node."  What?? Wait... noooooo, you said okay, benign, safe.  WTF!!!  At that point the very same numb feeling over came my body that happened just almost 2 years ago when I got the first "you have cancer" phone call.  The blood drained from my face.  I almost threw up and passed out.  Cried a little.

Here I am again, two years later.  Getting ready to make plans to try to save my life from the awful C word once again.  This time the oncologist included terrible words in our preliminary game plan.  PET scan.  To check the rest of my body to see if it has spread anywhere else.  Then chemo.  Then radiation.  ALL of the things that, two years ago, I was so relieved I did not have to go through because my cancer was "not aggressive" and chemo and radiation would not make enough of a difference in my chances of recurrence.  So we did not purse them.  Yet here I am... recurring...  I cannot explain how angry I am... at God, at the doctors, at fate.  It's not fair! How much pain needs to be inflicted upon one human being in such a short time before they just finally give up???

So I'm not sure where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been.... lol....  We'll start off with a PET scan I'm assuming this week early.  I am praying like crazy for this horrible awful shit to have not spread any further.  Then we will get a game plan from there, but it is sure to include chemo and radiation according to my conversation with my oncologist today.  I know it sounds trivial and ridiculous but losing my hair is going to be so devastating to me.  I am so sad, mad, depressed and just in shock at this moment.  And this year, unlike my last go around, it will be alone.  My best friend, my partner in crime, my support person is not going to be here with me and that scares me a lot too.  But I must go on!  I hope that I can make it to the other side of this next massive trial I am about to go through!  And no doubt, if I do make it out to the other side, will once again be a different person with more life experiences than anyone should have to endure in one lifetime.

Salt... Salt... Where's the &%$# Salt???

There are very few creatures on this earth that can live in both salt water and fresh water.  Fish that live in a salt water environment and then, for whatever reason, are thrown into a fresh water environment will die, because they do not have the skills to adapt to the new environment. 

These are the crazy thoughts that run through my brain in the late/early hours of the morning when I cannot sleep. 

On this particular morning I find myself comparing myself to the beautiful colorful salt water fishes of the far away islands in the middle of the ocean.  I have snorkeled there many times.  I wish now I would have taken in the beauty just a little longer while I was out there. 

Me, like that beautiful fish in the ocean, was the most confident, beautiful person I could imagine.  I had begun to love myself and who I was.  My life was content and happy and I didn’t have a care in the world.  

Now, in the aftermath of my nightmare, I liken myself to how the beautiful fish must feel like if they were ever to be swept into clear fresh water for the first time….  Unable to breathe, unable to adapt to their new surroundings. 

I have lost pretty much everything and am starting over from the bare bones;  physically, mentally, socially.  And at my age, it’s not going to be easy.  I am terrified of the unknown.  I do not like myself at all.  I hate that I am weak and cannot force myself move on. Everything is new and unsure.  Very little from my old life is present in this new pond.

In my salty beautiful life, I would have been able to bounce back.  But I have instead been thrust into the clear water, and it is drowning me.  To be totally honest, sobriety sucks.  I hate it.  With a passion.  Some nights I can feel the urge of the need to drink to be overwhelming.  Longing desperately for my old life.   Who cares if it kills me…  I already feel dead anyways… right??  But, for the moment, I am resisting, for the most part, and I have yet to pour that fifth of Jack down my throat, like I really want to do so badly!  I guess I should be proud of myself for coming this far.... 

It is funny how you get so set in your ways and how comfortable you become that when you lose everything you feel like you are going to drown in the clear water and die. 

In the past year and a half people I love have passed on, I have lost body parts I was quite fond of, a few furbabies have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, a few friends I thought were friends betrayed my trust terribly, and a few friends and a soul mate hit the road and disappeared, taking pieces of me with them. Thus, leaving this beautiful fish thrust from the salty ocean and into the clear water, unable to breathe without her old environment. She has been cast out of and placed into this new life with no coping skills at all needed to survive the fresh water.   

I’m trying like hell to get it all back.  But some days it’s just too much to even comprehend.  Everything that I have been through.  I go to therapy, mediate, do yoga, and yet I still can’t seem to make myself move forward.  I sit in wait of the next awful thing to drop.  And seriously can you blame me?  About every 3 months since November 2017 something has happened in my life.  Just about the moment when I feel like I might be able to breathe in the new fresh water and start moving forward, bam, something happens again.  Preventing me from being able to move forward, once again. 

So for now this "salty" girl will be treading that fresh water like hell until she finally learns how to live and breathe freely in it without choking. 

Birthday Reflections

Birthdays.... A time to reflect. A time to hit the reset button for another trip around the sun.  Most of my birthdays in my adult life have been somewhat mediocre. And after the last two years, I would pray for my birthday reflection next year to be if nothing else, mediocre! 

As a child birthdays were always exciting times for me. I share my birthday week with my mother and my sister.  We would always have a big family gathering and a giant birthday party with three cakes and tons of presents and lots of love from all the family.  I had a great childhood. Lord some days what I wouldn't give to go back in time! 

This birthday for me is a major time for reflection. Thanks to good ole Facebook memories, all the years from the past that pop-up on this day reminding me of things, at times, I definitely would prefer not to remember. For me the last six years of awesome birthday celebrations popped up and reminded me what I have lost this year.... Those damn memories sometimes have a tendency to punch you in the gut when you're not expecting them to. I honestly don’t know why I continue to look at them. I guess I like torturing myself. LOL! 

The last 365 days have been anything but easy for me. I look back at my memories from last year on this day.  I was in Kansas City to see Kenny Chesney at Arrowhead with my fiancé. He bought us sand bar tickets for the show because we both loved Kenny so much and he knew it would be a special birthday for me since it was my first one after my cancer surgeries. My birthday last year was full of celebration and excitement. I had just beat cancer and was finally starting to kind of bounce back from all of the torture that had been put upon my body and mind from earlier in the year. Last year‘s reflection was of grateful gratitude.  I felt like I had been given a new lease on life and I was ready to go out there and live it! Little did I know the person in possession of my voodoo doll was not done with me and killed any hopes and dreams of getting back to some kind of normalcy after cancer. 

For those of you that don’t know, two weeks after that concert, I was rushed to ICU and put in the hospital for a week with some pancreas problems. Since that day, for the last year,  I have been battling the same pancreas problems. Going to doctor after doctor and test after test with no one really being able to figure out why I am sick. The only thing they have come up with is it was either one of the chemo drugs I had taken or one of my surgeries may have caused some trauma. I have had to get sober for the first time in my life. I have had to learn how to eat a totally different way. And for the most part I’ve had to do this alone. Through all of the struggles and challenges and painful events caused by this illness, paired with the cancer journey, I slipped into a deep depression. It was a very dark, emotionally painful time for me. And then to top it off, in May of this year, the man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, decided he no longer wanted to be with me.  He left. No warning. Just gone. So as you can see the last year has been less than idyllic to say the least! 

But this morning as I lay in bed doing my annual birthday reflections I know this for sure…

I am a very strong, independent, amazing woman who has emerged out of the most terrible two years, that I would not wish upon anyone, with yet another year of hope! I am sober, more comfortable with myself than I have ever been in my life, and am learning how to be at peace with everything that has happened to me. I am trying, day by day, to accept these things and not dwell on them. It is hard some days. The mind is an amazing thing that can make you cra cra!! I am grateful I am still alive and I have been given a second chance at life. I know I do not need anything at all except faith and love for myself to be able to make this next trip around the sun the best year I can possibly ever have. This will be the year of "me". Self love and care. 

In the last two weeks I’ve taken an amazing trip with two amazing strong single women to Florida. And I have been out dancing, acting crazy and just cutting loose just like I used to…… without alcohol! What... Are you kidding... Yep. Me. Dancing. No booze. That's a first! And the silver lining... No hangover! I’m not going to lie, it is hard. It is so very hard to let yourself feel, to cut loose, and just be yourself in front of people. People are cruel and they judge you. But I have also learned that those same people are the ones who are afraid to let go and cut loose and just be themselves. They have no other way of thinking except to judge you because they are too afraid to see themselves in that light.  So they are forgiven. 

But if you learn to love yourself enough, you don’t care what anyone else thinks because you know your heart and you know who you are. 

I have learned life is an amazing gift that you’re given every single day. I have learned to wake up every morning with gratitude and just live each day as if it was my last. Be crazy, be silly, have fun, live in the moment and just be yourself.  Love yourself, because in the end, no one else is going to love you until you learn to love yourself first!  I am working on this every single day.  I have good days and I have very dark days.  But I figure as long as I keep working on it, eventually I will see some light at the end of this VERY long tunnel.  

So there you have it.... the birthday musings of a 48-year-old woman who has emerged from the fire and is ready to take this next trip around the sun and try to make it the best year of her life!