I am now living in the "aftermath" of my personal Armageddon. What anyone who has not had the pleasure of going through a shitty cancer year does not know, is that the aftermath is more awful than the actual event. This is when you fall into the darkest place you have ever been in your whole entire life. A time when you should be seeing rainbows, but instead you are under a dark and lonely cloud.
In the beginning stages of the diagnosis out come the "cheerleaders". People you only knew as colleagues, people you didn't even really know they knew your name, and basically everyone you know surrounds you with love and empowering words of encouragement. "You Got This". "You're so Strong". You're so Brave".... you get the picture.... The cheerleaders visit you, call you, text you, follow your every moment. They cook for you and clean for you. And at this moment you feel so strong and brave that you feel like you can conquer anything! I was so blessed to have one of the best support systems out there! I challenge you to find one better :) Totally my biased opinion.
Then come the surgeries and treatments and recovery periods. The "cheerleaders" are still surrounding you with love and encouragement. And then all of a sudden you're "cured". You're well. You're alive! You made it! And you finally feel like you are going to get your life back and you can move forward as you were before the big C word was ever uttered.
The "cheerleaders" all head back into their own lives. The calls, texts, visits, well wishes become less frequent and eventually stop. And this is when it happens. You fall into the deepest, darkest place in your mind that you've ever been.
You see, just because treatment is over, doesn't mean the torture is over. No, it just means that there is a new kind of torture. It lies deep in any breast cancer survivors mind. Every single day. You think about breast cancer, every pain or ache you have makes wonder... Is it back?? Your body still hurts from all of the scars and nerves trying to connect. Yes... still one, two, even three years and beyond your chest still feels like a permanent sunburn has landed on that tender area where your beautiful breasts used to be. The mourning period for your breasts begins. The mental torture one inserts into their mind is unbearable. Most days are just a numb walk through with some glimmers of happiness and hope here and there. But it is always there.... in the back of your mind.... Is it back???
You can't help but obsess over it. Try as I may, the obsession is there. Friends disappear. I'm sure because they are sick of hearing about it. Hell so am I. I wish I could just shut the fuck up about it and move on. But my brain won't let me. I'm stuck. I tend to gravitate toward other survivors, other survivor events and activities. Leaving my old life and my old traditions and old ways of having fun far behind.
Back at work now, you walk down the halls... people look at you with pity. Some ask "how are you", and you can see the look in their eyes like "please don't tell me how you really are, I only asked out of politeness". LOL I know that look because I used to do the same thing. So you smile your fake ass smile and say "doing great"! When all you really want to say is "my life fucking sucks". But you definitely can't do that. They might send you to the funny farm or something..... haha!
The "aftermath" is a terrible dark place. So you if you know a breast cancer survivor, just know that because they are no longer sick, don't look sick, or are not in active treatment, they are more than likely still suffering some level of PTSD from their earlier years of hell. They probably still pray every single day, "please God, do not let that pain be my cancer back again". Because the odds have been preached to us. We know them backwards and forwards. We know what kind of cancer ours was and what percentage we have of it likely to come back. We know we were the unlucky #1 in 8 that got this shitty disease in the first place. We also know now our odds are a #1 in 3 that it's coming back to try to kill us again. 1 in 3.... that's pretty shitty odds. And we go to bed every single night praying that we are a #2 or #3 in this Russian roulette part of our journey.
So my words of wisdom for the day is just simply this...... Be kind to our fellow humans out there folks because more than likely they are going through something and a small act as simple as a smile or kind word in passing might make that person's day a little brighter in what might be an otherwise shitty day in their "aftermath". #bekind
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