Salt... Salt... Where's the &%$# Salt???

There are very few creatures on this earth that can live in both salt water and fresh water.  Fish that live in a salt water environment and then, for whatever reason, are thrown into a fresh water environment will die, because they do not have the skills to adapt to the new environment. 

These are the crazy thoughts that run through my brain in the late/early hours of the morning when I cannot sleep. 

On this particular morning I find myself comparing myself to the beautiful colorful salt water fishes of the far away islands in the middle of the ocean.  I have snorkeled there many times.  I wish now I would have taken in the beauty just a little longer while I was out there. 

Me, like that beautiful fish in the ocean, was the most confident, beautiful person I could imagine.  I had begun to love myself and who I was.  My life was content and happy and I didn’t have a care in the world.  

Now, in the aftermath of my nightmare, I liken myself to how the beautiful fish must feel like if they were ever to be swept into clear fresh water for the first time….  Unable to breathe, unable to adapt to their new surroundings. 

I have lost pretty much everything and am starting over from the bare bones;  physically, mentally, socially.  And at my age, it’s not going to be easy.  I am terrified of the unknown.  I do not like myself at all.  I hate that I am weak and cannot force myself move on. Everything is new and unsure.  Very little from my old life is present in this new pond.

In my salty beautiful life, I would have been able to bounce back.  But I have instead been thrust into the clear water, and it is drowning me.  To be totally honest, sobriety sucks.  I hate it.  With a passion.  Some nights I can feel the urge of the need to drink to be overwhelming.  Longing desperately for my old life.   Who cares if it kills me…  I already feel dead anyways… right??  But, for the moment, I am resisting, for the most part, and I have yet to pour that fifth of Jack down my throat, like I really want to do so badly!  I guess I should be proud of myself for coming this far.... 

It is funny how you get so set in your ways and how comfortable you become that when you lose everything you feel like you are going to drown in the clear water and die. 

In the past year and a half people I love have passed on, I have lost body parts I was quite fond of, a few furbabies have crossed the Rainbow Bridge, a few friends I thought were friends betrayed my trust terribly, and a few friends and a soul mate hit the road and disappeared, taking pieces of me with them. Thus, leaving this beautiful fish thrust from the salty ocean and into the clear water, unable to breathe without her old environment. She has been cast out of and placed into this new life with no coping skills at all needed to survive the fresh water.   

I’m trying like hell to get it all back.  But some days it’s just too much to even comprehend.  Everything that I have been through.  I go to therapy, mediate, do yoga, and yet I still can’t seem to make myself move forward.  I sit in wait of the next awful thing to drop.  And seriously can you blame me?  About every 3 months since November 2017 something has happened in my life.  Just about the moment when I feel like I might be able to breathe in the new fresh water and start moving forward, bam, something happens again.  Preventing me from being able to move forward, once again. 

So for now this "salty" girl will be treading that fresh water like hell until she finally learns how to live and breathe freely in it without choking.