It's been a few months since I last wrote and since I have been released from active cancer treatments part deux. Since finishing radiation, I have fell and broken my ankle and landed in a pile of dog shit in the process. (see hilarious post below LOL) So that was fun. Haha! And I have been battling post radiation nerve pain. My ankle has now healed (I actually had the x-rays this morning to verify) and we are working on finding some relief for the nerve pain. Please say a prayer for me that it happens soon. It's a pain like one I've not had and it sucks!! Oh! And I'm getting HAIR! I still hate it and wish that it would grow faster, but I am thankful that it's coming in. My self confidence is pretty much in the shitter, but I am working on that too. I've made some very hard decisions about my health that were tough to make, but I feel like are best for me now. I pray it is the right decision. Also in the last two months I bought a new toy, my Jeep! Her name is Sunset Chaser and her and I are going to go on some awesome adventures in the future I have no doubt. Covid is still here and wrecking havoc on my plans to travel as soon as I finished treatment. But I plan on being on my Sunset Beach as soon as we are allowed to get back to some sort of normalcy.
I went back this morning and read my blog entry from last year's birthday reflections and cried a little. I was so hopeful and so excited for the upcoming year. Hopeful that it may have finally have been my year of peace. But as most of you know, this trip around the sun was anything but peaceful and overall pretty shitty! I'm thinking this one even tops the last two in the shitty year department. So MAYBE this coming year will be my year! The last year in my 40's. Overall not a horrible decade, but it seems like most of it was wasted. I spent the majority of it in a relationship that I thought would last a lifetime. Instead it ended in heartbreak last year. And 1/3 of it was spent with me being terribly sick and fighting for my life. Someday when I look back at my 40's and those memories they will be bittersweet. I had tons of fun on many trips, concerts, and other adventures with my ex, some good friends, and most importantly my sister and my mom over these years. My relationship with my family has been put back together and that, in itself, is the best blessing I could have gotten from my 40's.
These years that were supposed to be my "prime". My son graduated high school and left for college when I turned 40 and boy did I have big plans. haha! I spent most of my "prime" in some state of drunkenness for the most part. And when not in that state, I was in the state of illness and fighting for my life. However, over the last 3 years I have learned a lot about myself. I thought getting sober was going to be easy and was cruising through it until my ex left and I fell off the wagon and landed back in ICU. Then a month out of ICU my second cancer showed up. My "prime" has definitely not been idyllic.
BUT today on my 49th birthday, I am cancer free and alcohol free almost 9 months. So MAYBE, just maybe, I have learned all of the lessons God has been trying to teach me now and this year will be my transitioning year into my 50's. And God willing I will have a peaceful second half of my life, taking all the lessons I have learned about myself in my 40's with me.
I am going into this next year hopeful. Hopeful first and foremost for a healthy year. Hopeful that I may find my forever partner in crime. And hopeful that I can finally settle into being who I am supposed to be and to love myself for that.
Next year when I am reading this entry, I once again pray that it will have been a very uneventful year. A year of peace and healing. And when I wake up on my 50th birthday I pray that I can say, wow finally a boring year full of love and adventures!
