Lets Play the Why Me and What If Game

Everyone has played the Why Me, What If game, probably many times in their lives.  Lord know I have.  Boy does the nasty C word put all of those in the past into perspective huh....

I'm now 24 hours away from the biggest "bump" of my life thus far.  Sleep eludes me now.  I'm exhausted but there's no sleep to be found.  Instead I play the game, over and over and over....

First there's the Why Me's....  Why did I get this.  Why Me.  What did I do to deserve this.  For the last month and a half these words been screaming in my head over and over and now it is so loud there's not much of anything left in my head but this.

Secondly, of course you have to answer the above questions with your crazy overthought brain right.  So on to the What Ifs....

What if I'd ate healthier, more veggies, less sweets, cut the booze, what if.  But then I read other ladie's posts on my cancer support pages.  Some of these ladies ate low fat, low carb, organic, no taste, no smell food and they still are on that page along with me playing Why Me.

What if I'd exercised more, stayed in the gym last year instead of being a big ole fat quitter.  Again same ladies from above, in the gym 5 days a week, workout nazzi's, if you will, and yep there they are right on that same page playing the game.

What if I'd gone to church more (again big ole lazy quitter).  As a child and teenager there was not a Sunday or Wednesday that I wasn't there.  How did I get so far removed.  Probably something for a therapy session or another post.  But yep... you guessed it, on that page there are Godly faithful women.

What if I'd been nicer to people.  Lord knows I try, but sometimes I'm just a catty mean girl.  I really think we all are.  I mean we are females.  We're all cut from the same mold.  When we are with our friends we are catty.  You can deny it, but you know it's true.  But... what if...  did being catty make me get cancer?  See this is how an insane person's brain works...  haha!

What if I'd not gained so much weight, gotten "obese".  Yes, obese...  this is the term that is on my medical chart for my weight.  Now granted folks I'm not skinny, I am a tad big overweight, and yes the budda belly needs to go, but I am 5'6" and wear a 12 size pants, if this is obese, what is the term for the folks heavier than me.

Anyways, I digress....  Yes, what if, why me.  Well only the good Lord above knows this answer obviously, as there are women of every faith, religion, color, nationality, country, vegan, non-vegan, workout nazzi, lazy asses all dealing with this terrible thing and each and every one of them, I have no doubt at all, have played the Why Me, What If game.  And everyone has different answers.

Maybe mine was to make me pull my head out of my ass and get my shit together, to realize what is important and love my life.  I was spiraling out of control pretty good before the nasty C word phone call.  Maybe it's meant to walk me down a path I have not yet seen.  Maybe it will introduce me to some new wonderful people that are needing a Kristy Lee in their life  LOL.  Everyone needs a Kristy Lee, right haha!

Whatever the reason may be, in 24 hours I'm going to put on my big girl panties, roll my "obese" ass to the hospital and let the new "normal" begin, and pray to the good Lord that this C word leaves my body 100%.  Whatever the new normal may be, I do not know yet, but I do know for sure that my life will be forever changed when I return home Sunday.