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Another Trip Around the Sun

It's been a few months since I last wrote and since I have been released from active cancer treatments part deux.  I was going back this morning and reading my blog entry from last year's birthday and cried a little.  I was so hopeful and so excited for the upcoming year.  That it may have finally been my year of peace.  But as most of you know, this trip around the sun was anything but peaceful and overall pretty shitty! I'm thinking this one tops the last two in the shitty year department.  So MAYBE this coming year will be my year!  The last year in my 40's.  

I am going into this next year hopeful.  Hopeful first and foremost for a healthy year.  Hopeful that I may find a partner in crime.  And hopeful that I can finally settle into being who I am supposed to be and to love myself for that.  

As far as what has been going on with my health and healing journey, I continue to be in a constant state of pain on my radiated side. Thank God for pain meds.  I know they are supposed to be bad but I am thankful for them.   Even though my skin has healed, my burns are deep and in some areas all the way through.  I've been told that since I have no fat, that my bones and muscles were more than likely affected more and it would take some time to heal.  The doctors say most patients turn the corner at about 6 months out.  So I'll be counting down the days for the next 4 months!  haha! Some people have asked me if I'm healed/cancer free.  They do not do scans after treatment is over.  Just basically toss ya back out there and "hope" all of the torture and pain you've been put through is "enough".  The mental tole this takes on me, and every other cancer patient, is a daily battle. Every ache, pain, bump, lump is the constant question, "Is it back".  I do realize as the years pass on and it stays at bay this mental battle will get a little better.  This shit is evil and you just never know.  

I was supposed to begin a chemo type hormone blocker right after I finished radiation.  This pill is supposed to maybe keep the cancer at bay.  In return the side effects you receive to keep the cancer "maybe" at bay are sometime intolerable.  It kills your bones, throws you into early osteoporosis, and leaves some patients in constant joint and bone pain, along with other fun side effects.  And then there is not a guarantee that it won't come back any way.  For me, the pain that I am still in right now from the radiation has made me decide to forego this pill until I get back to ground zero and am feeling like a normal human being again.  And then I will assess and probably try out the pill.  This is a hard decision for me and I am battling it every day.  But either way there is no guarantee that the evil shit won't come back. So I am choosing to get back to "normal" before I begin to put myself back in pain again.  

I fell and fractured my ankle two weeks after radiation was finished and I was in a boot for a few weeks.  I have been a bad patient and haven't worn it like I should have.  So today for my birthday I will be heading back to the orthopedic doctor to see if it has healed up okay.  Hopefully I won't be in too much trouble!  haha! 

1 comment:

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