2019 - WTF Was That???

One year.  Doesn't seem like a long time in the scheme of things.  But when it's a bad one, it seems like it was 20.  And when it's two in a row, it seems like a lifetime since I have felt any sort of normalcy at all.

One year ago I was sitting on a rooftop overlooking downtown Columbia getting ready to kiss 2018 goodbye, good riddance and adios!  We had just gotten back from St. Louis and purchasing my dream convertible car as a celebration for surviving the year.  My fiancé and I were going to celebrate the fact that the horrible awful year was over and we were looking into 2019 with hope for a healthy, happy new year.  After all I had survived cancer, 4 major surgeries, an ICU stay that changed my life, two pet deaths, and my grandfather and aunt's house fire.  It was time to celebrate that we had survived and that it was all over with!  We were ready to start a brand new year happy and healthy! With champagne and sparklers (yes sparklers, I was so excited) in hand, we rang in the new year with hope and excitement for a new beginning.  2019 was going to be our year! BUT as per my new normal, my voodoo doll holder had other plans.  Seriously folks, there's a reward out for the voodoo doctor! LOL!

So here we are, one year later.  Getting ready to flip the big middle finger at another year of hell going out the door!  This year, however, there will be no rooftop celebration.  No convertible.  No fiancé. No sparklers.  No champagne.  Instead I will be probably vomiting, or shitting myself to death, or at the very least, so tired I will not be able to raise my head up off of my pillow, from the poison that will be input into my body the day before.

2019 offered up to me a broken heart, sold my dream convertible, sold my home, the loss of my ex husband who was also one of my best friends in this world, the loss of my only aunt, continued pancreas problems which landed me in the hospital twice, and yes, the gift that keeps on giving, my cancer returned, this time in my lymph node, had another surgery and will be beginning chemo the 30th.... Irony at it's best.....  I cried all the way home from the doctor just one year earlier after finding out that I would not need chemo.  I was so relieved.  Yet here we are... one last bite in the ass from 2019!

But I am also able to look back onto 2019 and realize that I have gained tons of knowledge and massive inner strength that I had no idea was inside of me.  I am emerging from 2019 mentally strong and amazingly self aware.

The biggest and best take away of the year.  Cherish and love your family.  They will always love you and be beside you no matter what.  When my life went to hell in May and again last month and I needed someone, it was my family that was there for me.  Not a man, not even my "friends".  They, for the most part, disappeared this year as well.  But my mom, sister, and dad were all there, by my side.  And for this I will be eternally grateful.  God has given me my sister back.  We have not been close for years, but through this year, our amazing adventure to New York and all of my illnesses, she has been there for me and we have bonded again, as sisters should always be.  I have always believed everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes it sucks, but I think in the end the outcome is because something else is supposed to happen.  My fiancé and I had a whirlwind trip to New York planned to celebrate me beating cancer and just to get away and finally have a good time.  Two weeks before our trip of a lifetime, our relationship came to an abrupt and shocking end.  I had already paid for the trip and it was non-cancelable.  But as it turned out my sister was in a position at the time that she could take 11 days off with very short notice and agreed to come along.  Then we decided mom had to come along also.  You see us three had NEVER had a girls only trip anywhere.  So while it sucked that my relationship was over and a trip that had originally been planned as a romantic thank you for taking care of me while I was sick trip didn't happen.  It was the best mom and daughter trip ever!  We laughed, cried, ate, walked, shopped, played awful tourists, and just bonded.  This, I believe, was the work of a greater power.  I believe it was supposed to happen this way.

Another biggie for 2019...  I got sober.  Yes I was forced to due to health issues, but for the most part I did it.  Was I perfect.... hell NO!  I fell off the damn wagon a few dozen times.  BUT....  I can assure you it was the first year in a very, very long time that was not an all out drunkfest.  And I know that I am going into 2020 with a strong will to never drink again.  Will I achieve this goal?  Maybe so.  Maybe not.  But I at least have the will to get healthy after chemo and radiation and not put toxic shit into my body ever again.  Baby steps.  But steps nonetheless!

2019 also brought some great trips with friends and checks off my bucket list.  I looked back through my pictures from the year and man they were great trips!  Of course the Canada and New York City trip in May was a bucket list dream trip with my mom and my sis.

Florida, back to my mother ship, Treasure Island, with two amazing women whom I am blessed to call friends, over the 4th of July.  I am so glad they agreed to go with me.  This holiday was going to be hard and I just had to get out of town. I learned so much about myself on this trip.  Treasure Island was the planned location of our retirement home.  We had been there over the past 6 years at least 10 times.  I wasn't sure that I could enjoy it or face it after the breakup.  But with the help of my girls, we laughed, cried and just had a blast.  I reclaimed it as my own and I still, some day, will live there come hell or high water!  I gained amazing inner strength from this trip.

And finally Vegas in October, again with my two travel BFF's.  In Vegas I checked my bucket list and saw The Eagles and Aerosmith on two consecutive nights.  It was amazing!   I danced, sang, cried and had the best time ever.  All by myself.  And guess what, I was OK.  Again inner strength was gained.

This year I also won a gold medal in the Corporate Show Me State Games for bowling. I was chosen to go onto the field at ACS day at the ballpark in St. Louis for the Cardinals game and represent all cancer survivors.  I attended 10 concerts throughout the year besides the Vegas ones and also I volunteered to work Roots and Blues Festival.  I attended several different fund raisers throughout the year for many different organizations.  These events definitely make you grateful for the life you have, even though it may be a shit storm at times.  I attended my 30 year class reunion (yes I'm old LOL). And made amazing new friends through a cancer retreat.  It was an intense 3 day weekend and the bond made sure we will be forever sisters.

Another biggie, for the first time ever I went to restaurants and bars and ate by myself, table for one, and survived.  While I do not prefer to go and do things alone, this year I learned that I was going to have to learn how to be okay alone.  Friends disappeared and my option was to stay home and feel sorry for myself or go and just do it.  Two years ago I could not have ever done that!  I have learned so much about myself and who I am and who I want to be.  I know I will be going into 2020 stronger than ever in my faith in myself.  And while I have learned I do not need anyone, I do know I want that one special person in my life to share the rest of it with.  But I now know that I do not have to push it and do not have to settle for less than the fairy tale.  And while I am waiting for Prince Charming, I am going to be OK with me, myself, and I.  This is a huge self awaking for me.  Being alone does not mean you're desperately lonely.  It just means you love yourself enough to never settle.

And while 2020 will definitely not be starting out as a celebratory year I can assure you that when I am standing in some magical place when the clock strikes Midnight December 31, 2020 this chick will be, with God's grace and a shit ton of luck, kissing the man of my dreams, cancer free, and living the best life I have in front of me to live!  That is my New Years wish for me! Happy 2020 everyone.  May it be your best year in the books yet!!