ISN’T IT IRONIC…. FULL CIRCLE… AGAIN??

Gosh, it seems like forever ago since I was told I could stop chemo early and begin radiation.  And since I was told I was exposed directly to the Rona.  Yet it has only been a month and a half!  This quarantine routine is definitely making me insane.  You guys know I’m a very social being and it’s taken all of my strength to obey the rules.  But I would rather be insane in my house than sick with the Rona, since my immune system is still compromised, so I stay put!

Before I began my radiation treatments, I was approved to go ahead and have a Corona test to make sure I didn’t have it before starting radiation. So yep, I’ve had the brain tickler.  Haha!  I am happy to say I was negative and I began my radiation treatments on March 30^th.   Every week day for the last 5 weeks I have ventured to the cancer center to receive daily radiation on a very large portion of the left side of my upper body.  I find it hilarious that throughout my whole adult life I have avoided the sun, slathered sunscreen on my body like a psycho, to make sure I didn’t get burnt and increase my risk of skin cancer.  But here I am, yes, now I’m volunteering to have my body burnt to a crisp, all in the name of trying to make sure the cancer stays away from me this time!!  Craziness I tell ya!   And true to everyone’s account of their experience with radiation, it wiped me out.  I am so exhausted with fatigue by about 5:00 I cannot hardly remove my ass from the recliner.  The burns started out minimal.  And I thought well hell this isn’t that bad.  Haha, I know better than that right?  The 4^th week I began to really burn and blister pretty good.  And yes here I am week number 5.  My final treatment day is tomorrow!!!  My skin started falling off of my chest on Monday in layers.  Needless to say this is VERY painful and without the pain meds and salve I don’t think I probably would have made it through!  But here I am!  They did say it would take a few weeks to a month to recover from the radiation and for my burns to heal, but ONE more and I am DONE!  Time to get my immune system, body and routine back to some sort of normalcy!

Here is where the irony of it all begins.  Almost two years to tomorrow's release date, I was released by my oncologist after my first battle.  I had had multiple surgeries, biopsies, tests, blood draws, and had finally been deemed cancer free with a 3% chance of recurrence.  I was released, after 5 months of hell, back into my “normal” life and was told to go live.  That it was gone.  And after a few months, I was indeed easing back into my “new normal” and starting to get comfortable.  I was living life to the fullest. 

Irony Part Deux….  This coming Tuesday it will be exactly one year since my life fell apart in the worst way and the future I had planned died.  After surviving cancer and finally feeling like I was getting my life back on track, my fiancé left me for someone else.  I was heartbroken like never before.  My heart was shattered into a million pieces.  Some days it feels like it was 100 years ago and some days it still seems like it was just yesterday.  I really cannot believe it has already been a year.  The first few months were horrible and I thought I may never recover.  But the days turned into months and I was finally starting to feel like I might be ready to jump back into that old dating cesspool that all of us single people know it to be LOL….  But instead I got a fun surprise and found out that my cancer had returned, yes almost two years to the date of the last diagnosis.  So dating and living had to be put on hold again and I had to return to fighting for my life. 

Throughout this new cancer journey over the last 6 months of hell, I have found strength in myself I never knew was there.  I had to reach inward and pull parts of myself out that had been hidden away from even me.  I am still dealing with my heartbreak, but I am a lot better now than I was a year ago.  I am also dealing with insecurities with myself regarding my body, my looks, and who I am, as well as my alcoholism.   I now, however, have a sense of peace that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  Although I may forever anticipate and be a little afraid of the months of May and November haha!    

So maybe tomorrow when I walk out of that cancer center (sore as fuck LOL) at 3:30 and I am once again thrust back out into the world with my next “new normal”, I will have FINALLY come full circle on this long and painful journey towards finding me.  I have learned so much about myself over the last two years.  Maybe this was God’s way of helping me to find my pathway to peace through all of the pain, heartache, and trials and tribulations that I have faced.  And with any luck, maybe my voodoo doll holder has been killed and my next blog entry will be about dating and love or dating disasters, anything but stupid CANCER!  Watch out boys.... the next blog may be about you!  LOL!!