Musings of an Insomniac Waiting for Tomorrow .... Again...

As I lay in bed this evening, impatiently waiting for tomorrow's appointment, I am thinking about all of the things I have learned thus far in my "C" journey.

First it is absolutely insane to me that it has only been a little over 2 months since that terrible phone call.  It feels like a year has passed.  In 2.5 months I have had a mammogram, needle biopsy, lumpectomy, sentinel node disection, genetic testing, which turned out positive, making me the first known mutant in my family, iron infusions, 1 million doctor appointments with 1 million doctors (I'm known to exaggerate sometimes haha), and a bilateral mastectomy.  Lots of twists and turns.  Some bad news, some good news.  Luckily two of the biggest items of concern were in the good news column, which will hopefully earn me a trip right past the chemo room door!

As I type the list of fun adventures above, for the first time I actually realize ..... no wonder I'm so f'n tired and exhausted.  I  feel like I've been floating in a bubble, barely comprehending one thing and then all of a sudden I have to jump to the next.  Some would say, "you've been laying on your ass for almost two months, how can you be tired."  Valid question to an outsider.  But here it is.....  My "excuse"....  I believe I am literally so mentally exhausted that I have not even been able to process all of this in my head yet, not to mention the physical aspect of my worn out body as well.  I was laying on the couch today and it hit me a little bit....  Your boobs are gone.... you have cancer.  But I immediately ran my brain off of that railroad track.  I seriously feel like I am floating through this in a dream.  I wonder if other people feel like this when going through something similar?  Probably....    But alas,  I guess I will "wake up" when my mind is ready to process all of this.  Not yet.  I'm still too "exhausted".

I have also learned I will probably mourn each and every thing that once had to do with my boobies that will no longer be a part of my new life, even the hated things.  I opened my bra drawer this weekend and started sorting through them.  I guess this was a good first step towards acceptance and "waking up".  My first thought .....  Good Lord there is like $9,000 worth of bras in this drawer.  As I gained weight, my boobies gained cups throughout the years.  I had B's, C's, and D's.  What a waste!  I'm not going to lie, even though I have loathed these horrible contraptions pretty much my whole life, it made me kind of sad.  I'm now in the minority of women who no longer get to complain about the dreaded bra.  This conversation is one that always bonds us women.  It's one more thing that removes me from the "girl" group; one more thing the ugly "C" word has taken from me! But hey ladies be very, very jealous....  Now I can go braless or I can be a size B one day and then lookie there, the next day I'm strutting in with a DDD!  How awesome is that LOL! People will ask "did you get a boob job".  Hell yeah I did.  I cut 'em off just so I can be whatever size I want, any day I want.  The shock factor on their faces that I'm imagining right now makes me laugh.  I'm sure I will be taking the no bra option 99.9% of the time....  #silverlining

I have also learned there are many, many types of breast cancer.  Each person literally has a different scenario.  It's almost impossible to find someone with your exact diagnosis.  No wonder it's so hard to find a cure.  No two BC's are alike.  I also learned I'm one of the "lucky" (I use this term lightly) ones as mine is not as aggressive as others.  I am blessed in this area.

Another fun fact I realized just recently..... my once favorite color now pisses me off....  When I see it I cringe, want to scream............  Geez thanks cancer, you even ruined my favorite color!

Tomorrow I'm sure will be the beginning of new items I will be able to add to this lovely list.  I'm just praying that the chemo chapter in the "C" book gets ripped out and thrown away!!!