While most people are celebrating at home this year with small gatherings due to the pandemic and they are celebrating the fact that 2020 is going out the door and 2021 is being welcomed in with open arms with a new hope of the upcoming year to be much better than the past year, there is a small community of us that are not quite as excited about rolling over into a new year.
You see there is a group of terminally ill folks around the world that, in the last few months, have been given an expiration date that will more than likely, unless God intervenes and gives us a miracle, happen to us in 2021. I was reading a post today from another pancreatic cancer fighter and she posted something close to my thoughts above and it finally hit me why I was so angry about this day and all of the happy new year wishes and posts today. I too have been given an expiration date that is supposed to happen in 2021. So if I've been a little grumpy, sad or aloof these past few weeks, this is the reason. And while I will never give up and wholly plan on being here to welcome in 2022 next year, I am very aware of the statistics and the giant deck stacked against me. So I have foregone the NYE celebrations or TV shows or anything associated with welcoming in a new year that may take my life. Instead mom and I watched Christmas Vacation and forgot it was the new year as much as we could.
The double edged sword of this diagnosis in the middle of a pandemic is horrible. While, in the past, when someone had been given a terminal diagnosis they were able to travel, go to dinner with friends, visit friends and family and live out their last days checking their bucket lists and surrounded by their families. But in the middle of a pandemic, none of that is possible. Instead it is a very lonely and sad existence. So while tonight, if it was not the middle of Coronaville, I might be out with friends at least celebrating what may possibly be my last new years eve and doing it up right with my friends and family. This pandemic is ruining what could be the last days of my life and things I want to accomplish before I leave this earth. I guess in a way it will push me even harder to fight to stay alive to see another Birthday, Christmas and NYE and celebrate these milestones with a bang! Hopefully soon Coronaville will be a thing of the past and I can start checking that bucket list off!
For now, I will be working, and going to chemo and praying 100x a day for a miracle. And praying that Covid calms down so I can go to the beach with my family and friends and something even as small as going to diner with family and friends.
I dreaded Christmas for weeks. Cried daily thinking it could be my last. But I prayed to God to give me peace and calmness to enjoy Christmas without worry of it being my last one. My prayers must have worked because Christmas with my family gave me a new strength I needed to get through a few more months. I needed that gathering of all of us and love and happiness. Something I haven't felt in months. I was truly blessed to be with all of them this year. I took a chance on Covid and thank goodness it looks like it paid off and all is well with my family. I am so glad that I did.
Monday I will have a very important call with an Oncologist from the Mayo Clinic and praying he will agree to take me on as a patient. Hopefully I will be traveling to Rochester at some point in the next couple of months. I believe that will give me the best chance at trials and a lot more expertise as well. So Monday will be a big day for me for sure!
In four short months it will be spring and I pray I am thriving and I can start to get back outdoors with friends and family for dinners, walks in the park, and just enjoying life outside, even if Covid is still here. Hopefully I am too!
For now I am blessed to have all of my prayer warriors and people who love and care about me. Please do not stop the prayers because I believe that will be my way toward beating this ugly beast and hopefully will buy me some more years on this earth! Love you all!
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