The Trifecta of Hell

Heartbreak.  Alcohol Addiction.  Cancer.

I have been struggling terribly emotionally since my new diagnosis.  I cannot seem to understand why, this time, I have had such a hard time dealing with this latest setback in my life.  Trying to stay positive is getting more difficult for me as I go through this long and painful process.

This week I had a full week alone in my house.  It has been the first time since Thanksgiving I've had the house to myself and it gave me a lot of processing time that I had, up to this point, not had.  I thought it would be wonderful and give me freedom and peace.  Instead, it left me feeling terribly alone and forced me to look at myself and to figure out why I wasn't dealing with all of this positively like I had in the past.  Thursday I had a major mental breakdown and cried for 8 hours straight. I figured a few things out about myself and what was really going on.  This is when I realized I am not just going through a cancer relapse, but I am still grieving the breakup and loss of what I thought was going to be my partner for the rest of my life.  And trying to maneuver this horrible ordeal alone without him this time.  I also realized I am grieving the loss of my go to escape friend, alcohol, as well.

Before my recurrence back in the fall, I was finally making some major progress on the heartbreak front.  I was feeling more like myself and thought I was close to being able to possibly date again.  I was beginning to look forward to the future and finding "my one" for good this time.  Then I was suddenly thrust back into cancer world.  My future became cloudy.  And the healing process for my massive heartbreak was put on hold and in a lot of ways went backwards.  I had the support and love of my fiancé during my first go around with the beast and it made a huge difference in healing and attitude I am finding out.  This go around, without that support it is devastating and so hard.  Being sick, weak, alone and bald, the self esteem goes out the window and you're left feeling ugly and embarrassed to be in public. He's not there by my side holding on to me and telling me no matter what, you're beautiful.  Other people say that out of niceness, but it's just not the same.  I have pushed through and forced myself out a few times, but there is not a single second that is comfortable.  Will my wig fall off? My God I would die of absolute embarrassment.  And that stupid wig.  It's uncomfortable, itchy, heavy and kind of hurts your scalp.  When going through chemo your scalp is pretty sore and feels somewhat like you have a permanent sunburn on your head.  And when you're wearing a turban and not wearing your wig, the stares of pity are unbearable.  I do not want pity, I just want to be a normal person living a normal life, but that is not going to happen for a very long time it feels like right now.  So while I have the great support of a few people, without having him beside me it has been quite the rough road for me.  I realized this week I am not only going through horrible chemo and cancer treatments, I am still going through the grieving process of losing him as my main support person and cheerleader as well, making this process for me 100x harder.

Then there is the other elephant in the room.  The fact that I had been trying to get sober for almost a year.  And the fact that right before the recurrence I had fallen off the wagon big time and landed my stupid ass back in the hospital for another round of pancreatitis.  I thought I had it under control.  I had even told a guy that I had been out on a couple of dates with that I could drink wine and be okay as long as I stay away from the shots and hard liquor. LOL  silly girl   I had myself convinced that was true.  In reality there is not a single type of alcohol that is "ok" to drink at any time when you have an alcohol problem.  That wagon tips over way to easy.  You can only imagine how badly I wanted to go drink myself into oblivion once I heard those you have C words again and so many times since then.  But I haven't.  That last bout in the hospital, once again, shook me to the core and I vowed "this time" I'm done.  Today I am 74 days sober, without a single drop of alcohol.  And I can honestly say I haven't even wanted a drink.  I believe it's probably largely in part due to the fact that the side effect of this chemo I am on right now mirrors the very worst part of drinking.  It feels like that worst night of pouring whiskey and shots down your throat for hours, only to come home and lay down in your bed and the bed to begin spinning like a top.  Which then forces your drunk, weak and stumbling body to the toilet where you lay all night praying to that porcelain god.  And just when you think you've survived, you wake up to the most unbearable pain and exhaustion you've ever felt.  Well played God, well played.  If this is what it takes to make me never want to drink again, then so be it.  Because I can honestly say that after I am finished with this next round of this type of chemo and one more dance with the red devil gods next week, I do not EVER want to feel this way ever again! But as any addict knows there will be hurdles as I try to stay sober after this nightmare is over with, but I believe this experience will give me the strength to persevere through this hurdle as well.

So through my alone time this week, I realized I was not only battling cancer and chemo, but also heartbreak and addiction as well.  And this trifecta has made it that much more difficult to maneuver through this season of my life I am going through now.  No wonder I had a breakdown.  And no wonder I'm having a hell of a time dealing with it.  I had a great friend come rescue me Thursday night and gave me the best advice.  Be kind to yourself and allow people who want to love you during this to do so and don't worry about the people who do not.  This is hard for me to do, but going forward I am going to try to do better at loving myself.  I am going to try to give myself permission to be sad, to grieve, to heal and to also let people who want to love me do so.