Raising from the Dead -- Part I

Geez it's been a while since I've updated on the health front.  Honestly, here I am two years later and I am still in the belief that this is just a terrible nightmare and one day I will wake up and it will have been just that.  I guess maybe that's how our minds trick us into thinking that it is really not as bad as it is at the time we're going through something terrible.

Carving the TurKristy
Surgery went as planned the day before Thanksgiving.  For those of you that didn't know, it was to remove lymph nodes underneath my left arm, as this is where the cancer has made it's fabulous return.  The procedure is called an Axillary Node Dissection (I think)…  haha...  Where the surgeon basically cuts your armpit in half and digs out the nodes that could possibly be riddled with the lovely C word.  Which has now, once again, left me without the use of my left arm.  Raising it and any range of motion will be a minimum until physical therapy starts.  My surgeon took 10 nodes this time, so along with the 5 that were taken from my very first surgery two years ago, I'm now down 15 lymph nodes under my left arm.  Unfortunately this can cause some other problems down the road, but I'm not even going to begin to worry about that shit right now!

I spent Thanksgiving day in the hospital.  Which was not a fun way to begin a holiday season that is supposed to be filled with fun, parties, family gatherings, etc.  But it is what it is. And was released a few days later, back to my house and my comfy Healing Chair.  Ready to get to healing so I could get on with the next phase and back to living my life.

A follow up with my surgeon a few days later was just the news I needed to hear.  Out of the 10 nodes that were taken only 1 had cancer!  That was the best news possible for this type of surgery.  And she pulled my drains out that day too, so big day!  haha... The drains are a pain in the ass (refer back to February 2018 posts for more fun gory details) LOL...  The discussion was then regarding next treatment plan.  At this point the plan was 4 chemo infusions and maybe radiation, maybe not.  You see you can only radiate so much and then that is no longer an option and she is thinking saving that in our back pocket in case of another recurrence might be the best plan of action, but in the end it will be my oncologists final decision.

I still have little range of motion in my arm, and lifting my arm past half way is a biach!  I am to start physical therapy sometime soon, but chemo is wrecking havoc on that plan of action, so for now, it will just have to wait.

Glitches are Bitches - Part Deux
Remember way back when in 2018 when it seemed like I had a win and then it was taken away by some shitty ass glitch because, yes, my voodoo doll holder hates me!!  LOL

Here we are again 2 years later with another gut punch.  The original plan was 4 chemo treatments over 8 weeks.  I was going to be sick... yes.  I was going to lose my hair... yes.  But as of the Friday before my first infusion I had finally accepted all of that and was ready to get these 4 infusions out of the way and back to living life.  A little chemo.  A little PT.  And back at it!  hahahahaha! Wrong answer.

That very Friday morning my oncologist, out of the blue, called to let me know that he was adding 12 more chemo infusions to my regimine.  The last 12 would be once a week for 12 weeks.  Are you fucking kidding me??  This now puts me into almost July .... 5 months of chemo....  I'm not even gonna lie I lost my shit.  Laid in bed and cried for 12 hours.  Depression took over and I, up until now, haven't even really been able to talk about it much.  I thought it was overkill.  I had one lymph node out of 10 and they took it.  My PET scan was clear other than this area.  WHY???  But no explanation on the phone, just a call to let me know of the game plan change.  I was to be in the office the next Monday for my first infusion and he said we would talk then.  Uh yeah dude we're going to F'n talk alright!!

Chemo Day --- Number One of 16
The most terrifying day of my life thus far.

The morning started with a visit with my oncologist.  And of all days, I forgot my Xanax.  WTF.  And I was already prepared to rip him a new asshole for the conversation the Friday before regarding 12 more chemo treatments.  Words like overkill, and just using me for more money, etc. all were on the tip of my tongue as I walked down the hall into his office.

Here's where things get fun....  He walks in and says we need to discuss my pathology of the cancer they removed from the lymph node.  Well fuck... yep here we go.... glitches are bitches...  my cancer has now taken a more aggressive turn and the physical make up of the tumor has changed.  Basically, without giving you numbers and information you have no idea what I'm talking about, it went from a 4% aggressive tumor to a 53% aggressive tumor over the last two years.  Therefore, now the extra chemo and treatments are necessary to make sure that it hasn't floated into some other part of my body to come back and get me again.  Sooooooooooo the good doctor escaped my ass eating on that lovely Monday morning.  But again, deflated over the news of more chemo.

Next is the dreaded walk down the hall to the infusion room.  Another one of those walks where the inmates must feel like as they walk to the gas chamber....  Terrified as hell, talking so fast and jittering all over the place, I was a mess!  Then the nurse sticks the horrible needle into my port to flush it and get things going.  But what happens next is lovely.  Ativan.  LOL....  Let's just say Kristy does not remember the rest of Monday, which isn't a bad thing!

Tuesday came and went as a blur.  I do not remember much at all except feeling like I was dead and alive both at the same time.  I could barely lift my head up to even drink or make it to the restroom.  Not going to lie folks, it's vicious shit.  I pray to God you never, ever have to go through this.  There were moments this week that I just wanted to walk into the doctor's office next Monday and just tell him that I quit and that I am not strong enough to handle this.  But I know I have to.  For myself.  For my son.  For my future grandbabies that I want to live to see.  And all the places I haven't been to yet that are still waiting for me as well.

Wednesday morning came and I was rebounding a bit.  Yes!  I got out of bed and went to the chair.  Miracle!  haha! Silly me.... the euphoria was only temporary as once the Neulasta contraption attached to my arm deployed a whole new kind of hell began.  I woke up in the middle of the night on Wednesday and felt like my bones were being beat with hammers.  The pain was so intense you could not even touch my body without pain shooting straight through to my bones.  This lasted all day Thursday as well.  You see the Neulasta contraption helps to replenish the white blood cells that are destroyed by the chemo infusion.  So once it deploys it immediately goes into your bones and is forcing your body to make bone marrow.  And we all know our body has a mind of it's own and doesn't like to be forced to do anything.... obviously.

Friday and Saturday have came and went as well.  Thank goodness I am feeling somewhat better, but the exhaustion is absolutely incredible.  I cannot believe that a walk to the mailbox makes you feel like you've ran a mile, but it does!  Hopefully I will continue to rebound this next week, before my next round of hell begins on the 13th.  And even though I will not want to, and will probably cry all the way down the hall again, I'll be back in the infusion chair again for Part II.  Love you all and please keep the prayers coming!! ❣