When I start to refer to myself in third person, you know it's gotten bad. Hurry friends, get the straight jacket!
Tomorrow will be exactly 3 months since the most awful phone call in the world. I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down. I do not feel like myself and I cannot seem to find me. Lord knows I'm trying. I hate feeling like I have lost myself somewhere in an abyss with no chance of ever returning. And why did it have to happen at the exact moment in my life when I was really beginning to love who I was! I had spent my whole life trying to fit in. Trying to make people like me. Doing anything to accomplish this via new hair styles, new clothes, new habits, etc. just to fit in. Then one day a few years ago it just clicked. And I no longer gave a rats ass who liked me, who didn't like me, because I finally was liking myself. It is just so unfair.
When I began this journey, so many ladies who had gone through it before me had said that this would change me. I would not be the same. And I would have to find a new normal. I just thought that they meant how I would be learning how to deal with being boobless (ie. new bras, foobies, clothes, etc.) Well I'm here to tell you that shit is a piece of cake compared to the mental toll it takes on a person. Which I'm guessing is what these lovely ladies were referring to all along. It is always in the back of my mind. There is not a moment in the day when I do not think about it in some way. Whether it's when I'm eating, drinking, exercising, not exercising, out to dinner, watching TV, blah blah blah... you get the picture. It is consuming me and inhibiting me from being who I once was. Before December 1, I ate what I wanted, drank what I wanted, laid on my ass if I wanted and was a happy person who was living life like there was no tomorrow. You would think that, after the shit I've just been though, it would be more relevant for me to continue to do as I was before. But instead here I am finding myself unrecognizable. Unable to find joy in even the smallest of things. Unable to have fun and laugh at all. I have been out and about with my fiancé and with friends. I have had my closest girls over to hang out. I put my smile on and try like hell to be "me". And all I feel is dead inside. I feel fake. I am not happy. But everyone expects me to just bounce back from this and act like nothing happened. We need fun Kristy back. But I just can't. Not yet. It's too soon. And no one seems to understand. I am lost in the forrest of my emotions and haven't found my way out yet.
I feel terrible because my fiancé fell in love with the old me. Now it seems like he's going to be stuck with this new person whom I do not even like. Why should I expect him to like her..... oops... me.... where's that straight jacket? haha! He is seriously a rock star in my book.
Along with everything that has happened thus far, I also began a new medicine Monday that will probably, in all reality, cause severe hot flashes, massive mood swings, along with other side effects that will again interfere with who I am trying to get back to.
I'm hoping this is temporary and eventually I will feel like me again, but so much has changed and I am a new person without a doubt. I just hope I can learn to like this new me as much as I liked the old one and get back to some type of normalcy someday SOON! #thistoshallpass #imissmynormal
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