Happy New Year?

 I've wrote my New Years blog in my head 100x but haven't been able to put it in writing. I know I needed to though. To get out all of the feelings and emotions that are stuck inside my head until I release them. The crazy thing is, I know that once I do, I will feel peace once again. But for some reason I'm having a hard time admitting, to myself and also the world, all of the anger and fears I'm sheltering deep inside my mind as to what my new year may have in store for me. For some reason in my crazy brain I feel like I don't have the right to be angry, sad or afraid. That I should always be grateful and happy. And if I am not always my seemingly jovial self, I may be looked down upon or worse yet, punished in some way by the universe. For I was given a timeline and yet I'm here. Believe me, there is no one more grateful and thankful than myself for this miracle, but I don't think that I should disallow my other feelings to creep in from time to time.  But I seem to punish myself silently when they invade my thoughts.  Below is where I started this post 4 days ago. 

 As I lay here in bed, New Year's eve morning, I am pondering and praying that the new year will be a good one. I’ve been in a funk for the last several days as the new year approached. As most of the world is getting ready to go out tonight to celebrate their ability to start anew and most having the luxury to be able to simply hit the reset button to change whatever demon has been haunting them, if they resolute to do so, people like myself are wondering if we will even be here again to celebrate the next new year. We instead wonder what fresh new hell we may be brought this year or if God will show us mercy and allow us a year full of clean scans and good blood work.  We do not have the luxury of just hitting a reset button to fix our problems ourselves.  

 

I haven't said much but my last blood work numbers jumped up. They are still within normal, but now only barely. Since then I’ve been living in a bubble of fear. I have tried to push it aside and be happy and enjoy all of the holiday celebrations, which I was able to thank goodness! 

 

I attended two amazing pre Christmas parties. One with my Dogmaster group and the second one was so special that I cried happy tears. My whole entire Moberly group took time out of their busy schedules and gathered at my friend Jeff's new house. It was a very special day for me, even though they probably didn't realize how much it meant to me!  Also, mom and I went to look at some light displays, attended my work Christmas tree lighting and symphony. 

 

Then Christmas Day. It was the most perfect Christmas day I've had in a very long time!  This was the first year in the last 4 that didn't include a surgery or chemo and being highly medicated. LOL! We had one BIG Christmas day at my baby boy's new home. He grilled us all steaks, we opened gifts, watched Christmas shows and played pitch. And I will remember it all for the first time in 4 years!!  It renewed my love of Christmas once again! 

 

New Year's Eve was spent this year in Moberly with my whole extended family. What a wonderful fun time I had! We had lots of good food, played some fun games, laughed and loved! And I felt amazingly blessed. Not once did I want to go drink nor did I worry about kissing someone at midnight.  I had almost my whole family under one roof and the only way it would have been better was if my son, sis and her family would have been there. 

 

Despite all of the many wonderful friends and family gatherings throughout December, in my times of loneliness the fear crept back in and I went back to the dark side of my illness. I’ve been pondering all week how to hit the reset button for myself with my unique situation. 

 

It was in my darkness I realized it is the fear that takes away all of your happiness. If you dwell on your fears you never will allow happiness to enter. And you must live one day at a time, concentrating on the good things and blessings, for no one knows when, where or how they will take their last breath. It could be an illness or an accident, or some other demise. Therefore, I am resetting my button this new  year to live in the moment and take it one day at a time. I will try not to let that fear creep into my mind again like it has this week.  I know there will be times of weakness, but I'm hopeful I can be less fearful and more faithful in this new year!  

 

As always please keep me on your prayer lists and my prayer warriors keep up the good work this year!  January 17th is my next challenge with blood work. Please pray for normal numbers, as they keep rising, pray they go back down!